I'm in a funk

I knew these things would happen when I signed up to be a foster mom.

Now I just got a phone call from the facilitator that the visit for tonight was cancelled... As BM has an appointment that could run late. She also mentioned next weeks trial.

I had enough. I called her back and said... Listen...no one is telling me anything. WHAT trial is NEXT week??? The baby's 5 year old brothers TPR trial is next week. The adorable little boy who has been in foster care for a big chunk if his short life...and has been pushed aside since his baby brother came into the picture and has taken over BMs attention at the visitations.

I am convinced that yesterday's hearing was squeezed in prior to brothers TPR trial for a reason. Typically when one TPR is approved the next one happens a little more quickly. But since she now has home visits, I don't know what to expect.

I simply don't know what to expect and that is my biggest problem. I have to put all control into a system that I really don't trust.

There is a big life lesson brewing, I know it.

Today I need to stop holding this baby, get off this couch and clean my apartment. It's horrid.

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My frustration

With the child welfare system here has grown 10 fold over night.

I received a call from a visitation worker last night -- court was to decide if this baby would even stay in foster care. The judge decided that he would... But has added another supervised visit in her home...every week. Per the worker...they will be taking place every Saturday.

No caseworker could tell me what this court case was about...but I received a call from the visitation worker who knew everything? The one that is working on a third party contract which is up in January and won't even be employed at that point...SHE knows it all???

I emailed the one case worker that actually returns emails and I explained that I completely understand that I am a foster mom and have no voice or rights and that this baby can leave at any moment...but for someone to not even notify me that a decision like that was being made is simply unacceptable. That I may only be a foster parent, but I still should be able to have a moment to process things like this.

What is completely fucked up is that BM has 3 other kids in FC. One who she is actively having visitations with... But this baby is the one who is being put into her care on a more regulated basis? An un-medicated, delusional, mentally ill woman who has no phone, job or form of transportation.

Yes. My frustration is going through the roof right now.


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In the dark

As I drop baby off for BM visit, she hands me the frozen breast milk she has been saving for me and says, "I only brought a little because I don't know what is going to happen at tomorrows court hearing."

I look at her and kind of nod and smile... As if I know what she is talking about.

As I pick up baby from the visit, the facilitator says, "well, depending on how tomorrow goes, I may or may not see you on Wednesday. So, I guess you will just get a call from the caseworker either way..."

As if something that may or may not happen tomorrow will stop visitations.

Again with the nodding...as if I am totally down with what she is talking about.

I knew there was a court case as I got a mystery piece of paper in the mail about it. When I asked BOTH caseworkers about it, they claimed they don't know what it is about.

They weren't as convincing as I.

Somebody knows something and is keeping me in the dark. I don't like this feeling and I am beginning to understand that the foster parent is always in the dark.

So. Something good...or something not as good may or may not be happening tomorrow.

UGH.

In other news.... Damn this kid is freaking CUTE.

Oh... And thanksgiving was great... I went to my sisters as well as to the sisters of the woman I am dating. *wink*


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I never realized

how much love you can feel for a little peanut in a matter of a day.... or 18 days.

To try to explain the whirlwind of activity that has been going on in my apartment, in my head and in my life would take hours... and I am sure there would still be so much that I would be missing.

Somehow I have found these parenting skills that I have never used and wasn't sure even existed. I am changing diapers, making formula and washing bottles for this little 18 day old bundle of joy that may or may not stay with me.

I hope he will... he is pure joy wrapped up in a little fleece reindeer outfit. How I wish I could share a picture. Don't worry, I have taken 234239423978 of them for the day that (fingers crossed) I can.

The foster system is even scarier and discombobulated than I have imagined. Some days I wonder if they even know I am here and have their child.

Birth mom (BM) is doing her very best at trying to remain on the straight and narrow. My heart hurts for her... as she wants her children so badly. I don't know what is in the cards... but I do know that my job is to take the best care I can of this baby bird and give him the best start of life he can possibly have.

I am working part time- I bring him with me. Just some random hours here and there.. it is exhausting.

There is lots more going on--of course-- There is MORE to the story.. :) But I have lots of work to get done and I don't know how long he will be content with Melissa Ferrick playing Win 'Em Over .... over and over and over again while I sit here.

I hope everyone is well, and I hope to have a chance to catch up on blog land soon!

xo
ciw

Amazing

I picked up a little boy born last Friday.

Completely in love.



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