Mama got some new shoes.

I needed some retail therapy the other day, so we packed up and headed to the mall. My dad has always been a big componant of retail therapy and he is actually the one to teach me about it. When I think about it, I laugh. He has taught me so much... I wish I would have listened to more.

Anyways- I looked at my ragg'd old shoes I was wearing and immediately headed to the shoe department at Boston Store.

I bought far too many for far too much.

Today I have a high version of a lesbian loafer on. Well structured. Black. Lesbian sheik. I have my boot cut dark jeans, a cute sweater, funky necklace, make up and my herrr is did.

The other day I actually put on some make up and Traci said to me... "honey, what are you doing different... your eyes look soft and there is black stuff on your eyelashes.... you look so pretty!" she is such an adorable butch. God I love her. That made me realize that I have gotten into "mommy mode" and a picture of me could have, at any time, been shown on a crappy daytime talk show with a black bar over my eyes as the "DON'T BE THIS WOMAN" example.

I function better when I feel better.

Side note: PB came home yesterday from his bio mom's visit dressed in a horse outfit. Granted, he was the cutest stinkin' horse around. Mane, tail, hooves and all. I ooh'd and aahh'd over him.. she was VERY proud. She said she thought that this was a good option for him to wear while it was too warm to wear his snow suit and not warm enough to just go with a light jacket.

Well.. okay.. she was thinking. A horse costume wouldn't have been my first choice...  but it is good that she was thinking about PB.

ooohhkkaaayyyy..

I called Traci with this "ohmygodthisisgoingtodrivemefuckingbattyandIAMOVERIT" and she, like she always does.. had a calm response. "She is mentally ill.. we don't know where she is coming from today".

I agree with that statement. But also, I don't.

She may have a mental illness... and I know she loves her babies.. but she wants custody. If she believes that I, somehow, have breastmilk for him... Uhhh.. there is something wrong there. Or.. if she had Peanut Butter in her care, and he was starving because she insisted on BF'ing him when she wasn't providing enough... because she believes that is the only route to go... again.. disconnection.

In other news: I get to go home and nap today. I need one. And then pray to the menstral Gods that I get my period istead of flip-flopping between eating everything in site (including another piece of red velvet cake) and bawling my eyes out because I just dropped my phone. Again.

Foster obsessed? (sorry- another rant)

Traci and I had a fantastic conversation the other night. Parents of any nature can relate to each other through their activities and experiences of their children. It is SO VERY DIFFERENT for parents of foster children or adoptive children. We still relate to the "hey how old was Johnny when he .. blahblahabla" .. but they will NEVER understand how it feels to be a glorified babysitter for someone else while the birth parent/s do or they don't get their shit together. They may or may not take 1 month to 5 years to do that. Possibly will or wont show up to visits. Can't even leave the state without permission- and trying to get a hold of someone FOR that permission takes weeks.... so no spur of the moment ANYTHING as not only do you need permission but you have to work around visitation schedules that change on, sometimes, a daily basis.

No. No one can relate to that except other parents who are going or have been through it.

No one can understand, either, the fear of creating a bond. Don't get me wrong.. I LOVE PB. ADORE him. I would NEVER allow anything bad to happen to him. But to think.. well.. we MIGHT have him past April.. we MIGHT not.... and he may get driven away in a car and I would never see him again.

I knew that all of this was part of foster care. But even when I was told about it, I didn't think it sounded THAT bad. Newsflash: it is. The whole system is so messed up.

I tried to reach out to BM again today. I wanted to know, even though I signed something stating I would never email or post photos of PB, that if she would like, I could email them to her... but only if she were comfortable with that... as I don't have much time to get photos developed and I think it is important to have her see that her son is well taken care of. I told her stories of things he has been up to and talked about how well he is doing in daycare, etc. I also told her when the next doctors appointment is- and the things that I would like to cover at the appointment. One thing I would like to discuss is when I would be able to put a little bit of rice cereal in PB's bottle. He just isn't getting full.. and he seems to have a bit of reflux.

I get this in return: DO NOT GIVE HIM CEREAL. HE IS TOO YOUNG AND WILL CHOKE AND DIE. GIVE HIM MY MILK ONLY.

*sigh*

My response: Thank you for your input.

Yes. I am so careless that I will let you son choke and die. I am not giving him steak, woman. I am asking the doctor about putting a teaspoon to a tablespoon of rice cereal in his milk. If he is hungry, I am not going to make him suffer, if it will help the reflux... and the doctor says it is fine, I will do it. And, BM... I DON'T HAVE ANY BREAST MILK. Where am I supposed to get it, the breast milk tree I have in my back yard?

She refuses to send any milk on visits...as she says it is too hard for her to carry it.   She refuses to send any home from her in home visit - as she says she doesn't trust the visitation facilitator to handle it correctly. Hey. BM. She is driving your son around the city and 45 minutes to see you. I think she will do okay with your breast milk.

When I try to talk to PB's caseworker about this.. she said "she doesn't want to get in the middle".

*blink*

Kinda your job.

I can COMPLETELY understand why foster families don't stay in the system. Yes. There is a TON of emotions you have to deal with... and there is a TOTALLY BROKEN SYSTEM you have to deal with too.

I think of all the kids who could benefit from homes like mine... and it makes me SO SAD to know that because of the kind of BS I have had to deal with- people like me are leaving foster care all the time.

My life is wonderful outside of this stress, it really is. I am sorry to my readers that I have been using this as a ranting tool.. I just need to get it off my chest, and again, no one REALLY gets it.

*exhale*

Back to work.

I have a heart on.

For real. I do. It's Valentines people... GET WITH IT! I stinkin' LOVE this holiday. I think because there is so much glitter and everything is pink and red. We brought big pink and red cupcakes to PB's daycare teachers. They were scarfed up in a matter 3 min and they gave Traci the plate to bring home. Now I have a fear that they are starving and I want to make them a nice stew or something. I brought a big red velvet cake into work for the girls. They didn't scarf as much... but it was probably because they were each on their 8th bag of dip stick sugar things.. where you lick the stick and then you dip it in sugar. If I only had a nickel every time I did that. Hardy harhar.

Anywhoooo...

I feel like I have hit a brick wall with blogging. I want to share everything and not have fear. Show you pictures, tell you details... but I dare not.

In reality I am a big mess.

I am looking for another foster family to cling on to and to take residency under their wing. I feel as if the caseworkers and the agency in general are looking at me thinking... Get OVER it. Just DO WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO.

Side note...

I JUST got a call from daycare that PB has his two bottom teeth in. um. HE IS THREE MONTHS OLD. He has not complained or cried or anything. He has been his happy self!!!  I FREAKED on the phone. The teacher was laughing at my reaction.

HE IS OLD NOW. oi oi oi.

Hey peeps..

quick update for those who still check in...

• Traci is getting her foster license.. and moving in in March.
• Baby T is doing fantastic and besides his never ending cold, he is as cheerful as can be... GOD how I wish I could share pictures. You would wanna squeeze him TIGHT!
• I got a promotion at work.
• We are organizing everything in the apartment so we can say "yes!" to kiddo number 2.
• Prayers are being said multiple times a day that this trial in April will work to our benefit. 

I don't know if I mentioned this earlier. When I was in the hospital to pick up T, the nurse was showing me this paperwork I had to take to the doctors the next day.. all creepy and slow like... and saying... "all of these paaaapperrss have information about BIRTH MOM on them... sooooooo.... because you are walking through the hospital with them... I am going to put them in this envelope...soooooooo....(unsealed)"

I totally didn't get it THEN, but when I got home and explained what happened.. I was gonked on the head and told DUH.. she wants you to look at them. Well.. so i did... and then I took pictures of them. My theory was that if T would stay with us, I wanted to provide as much information about his mom that I could. I was looking over those pictures the other day and just thinking... LOOK at all of this... there is NO WAY that BM can take care of these kiddos. nope. NO WAY.  I hope that the judge and jury think the same thing.

Side note.. is it horrible for me to hope she falls off the deep end?

I sound like a horrible person, don't I?

UGH. I just want this kiddo to stay around, that's all.