Day job

Starting off the day with one of my employees staring at me blankly while I tell her -- either get it together, or you wont have a job here any longer. 

She has an opportunity here. I can't make her realize that. If she doesn't see it, that is her fault.

I need to figure out how to motivate my team.  Maybe there are some online trainings I can take. I would think that a huge amount of bonuses would be motivation enough.

Instead, I have to hold hands.

On an up note, today is the one year anniversary of Dario's adoption day.  Traci and I are going to take him out to dinner tonight- and try to find something fun to do.  I think that he will just be thrilled to be spending time with his two moms.

And then the phone rang.

Cora's birth mom is about to have her baby. 

A boy. 

They asked if we could take placement.  

It is very difficult to discribe the feelings that race through your body when you get a placement call. 

It is even harder to discribe what it feels like when you have to say No.

I had a breakdown today.

Only two hours into the day.

I hit my limit. I wasn't prepared. I should have had activities ready.

Every. Tuesday.

I should know better.

Cora was running around like a nut. Dario was pushing Cora. She was kicking back. It was chaos all around.  They had diarrhea.  I had probably already changed 8 diapers.  Baby still had to be brought into daycare. I was nervous about running into the daycare manager as I am still waiting for her foster care assistance to go through to cover daycare (it is almost 30 days past due).  There were a million things running through my brain. On top of it I am sick and the house was in shambles. Dario was loud. Cora was loud. The kind of loud that doesn't stop. Dario could sing the abc's 234234 times a day. Then he moves on to Twinkle Twinkle. It.Doesn't.Stop. He is in constant motion. Constant talking.  During that time- Cora is crying.  For what? Your guess is as good as mine.

And I lost it.

I started shaking.

Bawling.

That cry that you do when you lose a loved one. Or lose your mind.

I screamed at the kids to go sit on the couch. They must have been able to tell by the look on my face, because for the first time in 2 hours, they listened.

I had to get it all off of my chest. I had to SCREAM it off of my chest.

I closed myself in my room.

The kids stayed on the couch.

I got it all out. All of it. All of the swear words and feelings and crap that I just needed to scream about. It was out there.

And the weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

I broke down into an exhausted puddle.

Parenting is hard.  Parenting two 2 year olds is harder.  Parenting two 2 year olds who didn't grow in my body, and were given drugs instead of prenatal vitamins and didn't have the proper care in utero is EVEN HARDER.  It is like twins. But not twins. More like quadruplets that are moving at a rate of 281mph and banging on a drum set while running in all different directions.

I have to dig down deep to find my faith.  Remind myself to have patience and in time- this all will be better. IT WILL GET BETTER.  This MUST get better. God is here. He shows himself through them right when I need Him to.  If it is in Cora looking at me with the most innocent look and her chubby cheeks and big brown eyes.  Or if it is through Dario when he brings up awesome memories or cuddles in close when we read a book together.

I am not perfect.  They are not perfect.

That is why we will be okay. Granted, in their teen years I may need to take out a second mortgage for therapy--- but we will get through it.

Finally. A cold that is kicking my ass.

I knew that it would happen this winter and that I wasn't in the clear because it just turned January and we really should be over with winter come March. 

This cold may be the end of me.  Thankfully Traci takes awesome care of me and let's me sleep extra.  

Today has been a good day with The Toddlers.  I got up with them at 6am and let T-Ma sleep in. We played with stuffed animals, had a dance party and had some breakfast.  I am taking their cues today- I noticed when they started walking around just kind of looking for trouble...you could see the glimmer of naughtiness in Dario's eyes... So I got on the floor with them and played with some toys..it was fun! Cora is super good at pretending - it was pretty cool to see her wheels spinning. 

They were super excited to watch T-Ma change their rooms around. 

Now.. They are napping *knock on wood*.  

So far so good- I am going to take some cough medicine and join them in lala land.

Edit: well that ended quickly. I stopped typing, Traci motioned me into Coras room- where she was standing with poop in her hand. I gave her a cold shower, cleaned it up and cried in the bathroom. 

I just got a text.

Cora smeared poop on her wall.

Traci may be in the middle of a nervous breakdown.

Does Military School for toddlers exist?

Being a Mom to toddlers

Is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever ever ever done.

No. For sure.

For SURE it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Here is the thing in foster land, though.... my friends are moms of two TIMES as many toddlers as I have. So, when I go to them with issues or frustrations, I know that behind their smiles and warm advice they are looking at me like.. GUURRRRLLLL you got it EASY.

Traci and I are going through this mad cycle of different disciplining techniques.  Yesterday we were doing the 1-2-3 Magic thing.. which was fine. The amount of yelling went down tremendously - until Cora hauled off an slapped me across the face.  I kind of lost my 1-2-3 Cool.  The worst part is that I know it is me. I know that it is my own issues that get my kids riled up and me going outside to cool off. Whoever forgot to pass along the Parenting How -To book really sucks. A lot.

But! Today is a new day. The morning went pretty darn well up until I realized Dario hid his shoes... and that Baby E can crawl between rooms... and that Cora.. well.. she was just Cora. She hid in a corner and refused to go until I gave her some of a poptart. I gave in. Secretly I wanted to hide in the corner with her and hope that no one would even notice.

But- we got it... They got to daycare. I got to work. Life went on.

In my gut I think that 2015 is going to have some major changes coming.  The beginning of a new year means endless possibilities!

Happy 2015 !