ooohhkkaaayyyy..

I called Traci with this "ohmygodthisisgoingtodrivemefuckingbattyandIAMOVERIT" and she, like she always does.. had a calm response. "She is mentally ill.. we don't know where she is coming from today".

I agree with that statement. But also, I don't.

She may have a mental illness... and I know she loves her babies.. but she wants custody. If she believes that I, somehow, have breastmilk for him... Uhhh.. there is something wrong there. Or.. if she had Peanut Butter in her care, and he was starving because she insisted on BF'ing him when she wasn't providing enough... because she believes that is the only route to go... again.. disconnection.

In other news: I get to go home and nap today. I need one. And then pray to the menstral Gods that I get my period istead of flip-flopping between eating everything in site (including another piece of red velvet cake) and bawling my eyes out because I just dropped my phone. Again.

Foster obsessed? (sorry- another rant)

Traci and I had a fantastic conversation the other night. Parents of any nature can relate to each other through their activities and experiences of their children. It is SO VERY DIFFERENT for parents of foster children or adoptive children. We still relate to the "hey how old was Johnny when he .. blahblahabla" .. but they will NEVER understand how it feels to be a glorified babysitter for someone else while the birth parent/s do or they don't get their shit together. They may or may not take 1 month to 5 years to do that. Possibly will or wont show up to visits. Can't even leave the state without permission- and trying to get a hold of someone FOR that permission takes weeks.... so no spur of the moment ANYTHING as not only do you need permission but you have to work around visitation schedules that change on, sometimes, a daily basis.

No. No one can relate to that except other parents who are going or have been through it.

No one can understand, either, the fear of creating a bond. Don't get me wrong.. I LOVE PB. ADORE him. I would NEVER allow anything bad to happen to him. But to think.. well.. we MIGHT have him past April.. we MIGHT not.... and he may get driven away in a car and I would never see him again.

I knew that all of this was part of foster care. But even when I was told about it, I didn't think it sounded THAT bad. Newsflash: it is. The whole system is so messed up.

I tried to reach out to BM again today. I wanted to know, even though I signed something stating I would never email or post photos of PB, that if she would like, I could email them to her... but only if she were comfortable with that... as I don't have much time to get photos developed and I think it is important to have her see that her son is well taken care of. I told her stories of things he has been up to and talked about how well he is doing in daycare, etc. I also told her when the next doctors appointment is- and the things that I would like to cover at the appointment. One thing I would like to discuss is when I would be able to put a little bit of rice cereal in PB's bottle. He just isn't getting full.. and he seems to have a bit of reflux.

I get this in return: DO NOT GIVE HIM CEREAL. HE IS TOO YOUNG AND WILL CHOKE AND DIE. GIVE HIM MY MILK ONLY.

*sigh*

My response: Thank you for your input.

Yes. I am so careless that I will let you son choke and die. I am not giving him steak, woman. I am asking the doctor about putting a teaspoon to a tablespoon of rice cereal in his milk. If he is hungry, I am not going to make him suffer, if it will help the reflux... and the doctor says it is fine, I will do it. And, BM... I DON'T HAVE ANY BREAST MILK. Where am I supposed to get it, the breast milk tree I have in my back yard?

She refuses to send any milk on visits...as she says it is too hard for her to carry it.   She refuses to send any home from her in home visit - as she says she doesn't trust the visitation facilitator to handle it correctly. Hey. BM. She is driving your son around the city and 45 minutes to see you. I think she will do okay with your breast milk.

When I try to talk to PB's caseworker about this.. she said "she doesn't want to get in the middle".

*blink*

Kinda your job.

I can COMPLETELY understand why foster families don't stay in the system. Yes. There is a TON of emotions you have to deal with... and there is a TOTALLY BROKEN SYSTEM you have to deal with too.

I think of all the kids who could benefit from homes like mine... and it makes me SO SAD to know that because of the kind of BS I have had to deal with- people like me are leaving foster care all the time.

My life is wonderful outside of this stress, it really is. I am sorry to my readers that I have been using this as a ranting tool.. I just need to get it off my chest, and again, no one REALLY gets it.

*exhale*

Back to work.

I have a heart on.

For real. I do. It's Valentines people... GET WITH IT! I stinkin' LOVE this holiday. I think because there is so much glitter and everything is pink and red. We brought big pink and red cupcakes to PB's daycare teachers. They were scarfed up in a matter 3 min and they gave Traci the plate to bring home. Now I have a fear that they are starving and I want to make them a nice stew or something. I brought a big red velvet cake into work for the girls. They didn't scarf as much... but it was probably because they were each on their 8th bag of dip stick sugar things.. where you lick the stick and then you dip it in sugar. If I only had a nickel every time I did that. Hardy harhar.

Anywhoooo...

I feel like I have hit a brick wall with blogging. I want to share everything and not have fear. Show you pictures, tell you details... but I dare not.

In reality I am a big mess.

I am looking for another foster family to cling on to and to take residency under their wing. I feel as if the caseworkers and the agency in general are looking at me thinking... Get OVER it. Just DO WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO.

Side note...

I JUST got a call from daycare that PB has his two bottom teeth in. um. HE IS THREE MONTHS OLD. He has not complained or cried or anything. He has been his happy self!!!  I FREAKED on the phone. The teacher was laughing at my reaction.

HE IS OLD NOW. oi oi oi.

Hey peeps..

quick update for those who still check in...

• Traci is getting her foster license.. and moving in in March.
• Baby T is doing fantastic and besides his never ending cold, he is as cheerful as can be... GOD how I wish I could share pictures. You would wanna squeeze him TIGHT!
• I got a promotion at work.
• We are organizing everything in the apartment so we can say "yes!" to kiddo number 2.
• Prayers are being said multiple times a day that this trial in April will work to our benefit. 

I don't know if I mentioned this earlier. When I was in the hospital to pick up T, the nurse was showing me this paperwork I had to take to the doctors the next day.. all creepy and slow like... and saying... "all of these paaaapperrss have information about BIRTH MOM on them... sooooooo.... because you are walking through the hospital with them... I am going to put them in this envelope...soooooooo....(unsealed)"

I totally didn't get it THEN, but when I got home and explained what happened.. I was gonked on the head and told DUH.. she wants you to look at them. Well.. so i did... and then I took pictures of them. My theory was that if T would stay with us, I wanted to provide as much information about his mom that I could. I was looking over those pictures the other day and just thinking... LOOK at all of this... there is NO WAY that BM can take care of these kiddos. nope. NO WAY.  I hope that the judge and jury think the same thing.

Side note.. is it horrible for me to hope she falls off the deep end?

I sound like a horrible person, don't I?

UGH. I just want this kiddo to stay around, that's all.

wwwwHHHHHEEEEEeeee!!!!

Vegas kicked ASS. Honestly. How freaking lucky am I that I was able to GO, bring my girlfriend, and have EVERYTHING paid for?!?? Yeah, I am totally bragging.

I could go back for another week-- I didn't do NEARLY as much as I wanted to, and we did a LOT! My favorite thing? Traci and I jumped off the Stratosphere. Yeah. Its true. This short fatty with a humongous fear of heights took the leap. I would recommend it. I did it at night. It was AWESOME.

These aren't good pictures.. but they are proof. :)

On the baby front:

I love this little kiddo. My frustration with "the system" have come to a boil. BM is stating there is no reason that PB was removed from her care. Yeaaahh, BM, no reason. Not for him, his brothers and sister or the two "mystery kids" that you keep saying you had. Uh huh.

All kidding aside, it makes me nervous. I want PB around for a long time. Long. Forever long. What if there is some weirdo who thinks she is okay to take custody of him? I would worry about him every.single.day. She now wants me to call and meet with her brother for him to give me breast milk for the baby. Are you kidding me? No way in hell that I am going to meet with some dude who just happens to be the brother of the woman whose CHILD IS IN MY CARE. She doesn't work, she pumps milk and goes on the computers at the library. She can figure it out. Not to mention she hasn't gotten any to me in almost a month. Newsflash, BM: it takes more to be a mother than pumping milk.

So much more to the story. I get exhausted talking about it, though. I get  bitter when I talk about it too much. I know I am doing my job, and doing it well. He is ADORABLE and happy and ahead of the game. That is what matters.

Lets not go back there, k?

The little Peanut Butter is on the mend. The nurses were so kind to him while we were there and every single one of them commented on how freakin' cute he is. I wanted to feel proud.. But I have nothing to do with that lol. I did feel proud, though, when he would show off his smiles and giggles... That's me. I will take responsibility for his happiness :)

My girl was there too. You know she digs you and your foster son when she squeezes her almost 6ft frame on a 4 ft couch.

PB is out of daycare for a week. That flippin' germ house.

I need to get Internet. Blogging from.a phone is re-donk. My thumbs ache.

RSV

Here we sit in Children's Hospital and little peanut butter has RSV. This icky cold has progressed into something icky-er and I finally made the decision to bring him in last night. I did everything I could at home with the humidifiers, snot suckers, saline drops, etc. Then the wheezing started. Ugh. Poor little man.

He is in the best care possible here, though. Now if I could just catch a nap.

We will be here until tomorrow.

Amazing, really- this mom gig. Making these decisions for a little peanut that completely depends on me. As I sit in this room alone with him (Traci had to leave for work) I realize just how major this is. I realize this is just exactly where I want to be. That no one would ever want to spend 2 days in a hospital, but I am here because of this little guy, who I love... and I want to get better... because of that, I can't help love being here-- as if I didn't have him, I would never have had to set foot in this place.

Does that make sense?

I think he is drifting off.. now I am going to sit in the squeakiest chair this side of the Mississippi and drift off by his side.