The Foster Care System

Is a total mind fuck. Excuse the language.

Yesterday morning I get an email from the caseworker for The Bean stating that the bio mom is moving to 3 visits a week- and then she will go to community visits.

Mom is 17, a foster child herself, can't read or write and has severe mental issues. We were called as The Beans adoptive resource. We were on the ADOPTION LIST to avoid situations like this.

I literally feel like my head is going to explode. I am over this. I am over missing work and running this child everywhere and bending over backwards for this system who is screwing the foster parents over just as much as they are screwing the foster KIDS over. 

I have this feeling in my gut that a year from now we are going to be kid-less and have to start collecting cats, pie tins for our heads and begin gardening so we have a place to put our uterus's when they fall out.

Life with two

Life has been messy, crazy, busy, hurried, dirty and sometimes I am to the point where I want to pull out my hair. Thankfully there have been days recently that are a little LESS messy, crazy, busy etc., and that gives me faith that our fun days will be back again. There are definitely glimpses of it.  We have gotten the Little Bean on something for her reflux in combination with a new formula, it seems as if we have a new happy little baby on our hands. This pleases T-Ma and I very much. She is showing her big bright eyes, she is coo-ing.. and giving us huge goofy smiles.

Traci and I were starting to feel super disconnected.. we both hated it. I asked my sister if she didn't mind taking PB and The Bean for the day yesterday. My other sister was there as well with my niece and nephew, and it turned out to be a blast for my kids. They stayed overnight. YESSSSSSS. That gave Traci and I THE.WHOLE.DAY.  We went to an open house, went hiking, to some parks, out to dinner, to the casino and then back home. We woke up, went to church and then to lunch before picking up the kids. It was the best day. We took our time and just DID whatever we felt. We reconnected. We talked and held hands. It was a perfect day.  I missed the kids, but man, before you could say "go" we were back to reality. Yesterday (and this morning) was a real blessing. I don't want to quickly forget it, and maybe someday it will happen again.

We received our Save the Dates in the mail on Thursday. They turned out pretty cute. I ordered them from Vista Print of all places- so I didn't pay much for them. I would absolutely recommend the service! There is so much to do for the wedding. It is amazing that with everything that is going on in our lives.. we still have a wedding coming up. It really gives me something to look forward to that is for US.

PB is 8 months now and crawling all over. Pulling himself up on everything he can find and trying to take steps on his own. Is 8 months a little early for that? I kind of feel like it is. He also just wrote his name in cursive. Weird. haha. kiddin'.  He is talking gibberish ALL THE TIME. He gets that from T-Ma. She is a good talker. He has about 9 or 10 teeth now and wants to bite bite bite. Poor kiddo is getting his back teeth, too.

Maybe someday I will write about all the crazy stuff that is going on in my life now-- how much fun Traci and I are having on all of our adventures. Right now we are in survival mode.

xo
ciw

who would have thought?

I should have been more honest with myself when we said okay to this new kiddo. 

For some reason that I am totally unsure of, I thought it was going to be relatively easy. How wrong can one person be? Because I was THAT wrong.  I thought hey.. we were just through all of this just 42 seconds ago with PB..how hard can it be with this little bean? She is SUCH a different baby (of course- duh) and is pretty much opposite of PB when he was 2 months.

Traci and I have had a rough week. The lack of sleep and horrible diet has absolutely caught up with us. Even with the challenges, I absolutely would not want to be on this journey with anyone else. 

The Bean is laying here in my arms kind of balancing on the table as I type this. Overall, even when I am at the brink of madness at 2am.. I have to remember that she is a blessing. God brought her to us for a reason and we will do everything in our power to make sure she is loved and supported in everything she does.

We have two children here that come from long lines of dysfunction. Now, I am no saint and my past isn't paved with jellybeans, but I think we can break the cycle... or at least give it a good college try.

Now I have to go learn about how I take care of this little beans hair. There are so many rules!

I love that she is just laying here staring at me. I think she likes the sound of the keyboard.

In other news, PB is crawling like CRAZY and pulling himself up on everything. He is chuck full of personality and always has a smile on his face. His giggle is infectious.  I wish I could share it with you all. Maybe someday.

night.
CIW

eyes are widening..

With PB we have been lucky to get a couple of caseworkers that will give us information if talked to in the correct manner. Thankfully I have sales in my background and because of that understand how to communicate with different personality types. This has worked in my favor a few times.

I think in Bean's case, it is going to be a little bit more difficult. I have yet to meet her, and she is brand-spankin' new out of school. It sounds like she is completely overwhelmed, and doesn't know her right foot from left. But maybe that is the situation for most of the bureau.  Case in point... we have realized that I am only licensed for one child, Traci's license hasn't been completed yet.  How in the world do we have this little Bean in our home? It is crazy how similar both BM's stories (from what I know so far) are.  I think she is absolutely meant to be with us. 

Her eyes are widening. It is adorable. I don't think she got much attention in the group home that mom abandon her in. We aren't sure exactly how long she was there. I believe a number of weeks. You can already see her starting to change with the attention and love we have been able to shower on her.

I have made a promise to myself to not get so caught up in the mama drama. I have no control over it anyways. I don't want to miss a moment of these kiddos.  I am going to figure out how to use the dumb little video camera thing I have and we are going to fire it up. I am going to take 234283 pictures with a real camera and GET THEM DEVELOPED I will put them in books and frames love every moment of being a crafty mom.

CIW

We did it!

We got through the first 24 hours as a family of four. The new little Bean did wonderful. We went to Pride, took some swoops around the grounds. I know we would have stayed longer if it wasn't 56874 degrees. That is weird about Pride in Milwaukee.. it is either hot enough to fry your face off, or you are wearing mittens. I prefer the mittens.

We went to my cousin's birthday party after the fest and the Bean was welcomed with open arms. It made me tear up for a moment. I underestimate my family. I need to stop that.

Today we are going to the Pride Parade and then back to the house to make it look less like an episode of Hoarders. I don't even want to THINK about the basement.

Between yesterday and today, I am finding it more apparent that people without kids tend to make distance with those that have kids.. I am missing some of my friends...and I wish Anne and Amy lived closer.  I guess this is my new life. I am happy about it. I just wish I had a larger community around me. Maybe it will happen with the new people I am meeting?

Okay. Time for a bath for Bean. She still smells like the group home.

CIW

Suddenly a family of four

Two days ago Traci and I were sitting on the porch after a really crappy day. We were playing with PB and just trying to relax after the day. I looked at PB and thought to myself... maybe one is enough. Let's find out what happens to him first.. and if he doesn't stay with us, go back on a list.

Then we slept, then I went to work.. and then the phone call came. They have a baby. 2 months old. Mom is 17 and in foster care herself. AWOL all the time- was in a group home, now in Juvenile Detention. Prostitute.. no idea who the father is.

Of course we said bring her to us.

How could we not?

After 24 hours, I am warming up to this little squished face, chubby cheek soul.  She sure is different than PB, but wonderful all the same.

Oh. And she isn't 2 months. She is SIX WEEKS.

Traci is taking off a week, we will get daycare lined up for her, and she will be good to go!

Meanwhile.. the drama never stops with PB's BM.  She is always there.. in the background.. doing everything BUT the things she needs to do to get her kiddos back.  I can't say I am upset about this.

This weekend is Milwaukee's Pride weekend.. usually I would be in the middle of my 7th drink, running into people down at the lakefront.. doing some serious people watching and just acting a fool.

This year.. well.. a bit different. I just went and picked up our "limo" .. a double stroller. We are going to pack up the crew and head down to the lakefront just for a bit. It is hot out today. Maybe shop for a min.. see who we run into, and then head over to my cousins for a little birthday gathering.

People want to meet our new addition.. and I am excited to share her.

She needs lots of love. She has a lot of growing and thriving to do!

And then you get a glimpse.

Things have been the same with PB. He is growing like a weed, and Traci has taught him to fake cough. So he does this little cough and then laughs his head off.  This WILL bite her in the ass at some point.. I am sure of it.. but it will probably be funny then, too.

We all have been sick in the house with the stomach flu. BM didn't believe that he was sick- and now believes that, while he was recovering and went to a visit- we asked to only feed bland rice cereal... well.. we are DEMANDING and reported that to the visitation worker.

*eye roll*

It is all exausting.

So. Here is the gig. I was on the news yesterday. I did an interview for a program that we have going on at work. 

The interview went fine.. blah blah blah.. I could do crap like that in my sleep. I knew I wasn't going to look pretty-- I know I am a big girl. But when I saw the clip I was horrified. HORRIFIED. I felt like turning off my computer, going home, and locking myself in my room. My stomach sunk, I couldn't take my eyes off of myself. I looked like something on a TLC "before" show... where they have to get a special car to get the person to the gastric  bypass doctor and he doesn't even know if he can DO the surgery because the person is so gigantic. Yes. THAT is what I looked like.

Yesterday was hard. SO HARD. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to get this large.

So. As much as I wanted to wallow in my sorrows, order a pizza and cry all night... Traci dragged my sorry ass out for a 4 mile walk (and now I have blisters on my toes). Then I contacted my old personal trainer, and we are meeting today. 

Shit stops now. I am a mom. I am going to be getting married. I want to be alive.

I have all this damn shake mix... LOL

*exhale*

Here goes nothing.