Traci and I are going through the motions tonight... bath time.. pj time... sleepy time. I broke down and cried once. Traci wont show me her tears right now, but I know they are there.
This is the last time we do this with Peanut Butter.
Or is it?
I got a call from the CW today. They are going forward with court tomorrow. I don't understand why there is court if this has already all been decided.... and she didn't explain. Tomorrow is the day that he is supposed to go back to his mom.
Because of my phone calls and cage rattling, NOW the agency is trying to slow down everything. Too little too late? I suppose I am proud of myself for pushing back a bit. I am selfishly frustrated though as tomorrow is the date that we prepared our hearts for. We talked about what we were going to do.. take down his crib, give away his summer clothing etc. Now.. court is at 9:30am and before noon we MIGHT find out that he is staying "for a bit longer". As if "a bit longer" will make his BM "better" after she has been going through this now for 8 years with PB's siblings.....or if he goes home.
I feel like I am in the middle of some crazy dream. As I was drying him off from his bath and putting him in his pjs, I just kept picturing him as an itty bitty when we picked him up from the hospital... and watched him grow to the almost 11 month old kid who is starting to take steps on his own.
We are trying to find faith in all of this and guard our hearts at the same time.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Yes. I CAN be a pain in the ass.
I have reached out to anyone who will listen to me about PB.
I just got a call from the director of the the bureau of child welfare. She was very kind and explained they have no legal standing when it comes to foster kids.
This makes me cringe.
HUH? how can the BUREAU of CHILD *WELFARE* have no legal standing? She explained that the
D.A. makes all the decisions. She has informed her legal team about PB's situation and they are making "recommendations". But apparently they are being told to shove off.
I just sit here shaking my head.
In not so many words she told me to back off....that there is a fine line between being heard and being a nuisance.
Great.
We are lucky that BM wants contact with us. We will take advantage of that as much as we can to make sure PB is okay... and dammit... if we have to support him long distance.. that is what we are going to do. He will not suffer because of some lawyers who took 15 minutes to look at his file... and decide they knew it all...then sign an agreement with BM's attorney that they will not go for a protective custody order.
This is NOT the last time the bureau will hear from me. I am NOT finished with the GAL and the ADA's. My voice will be heard. These kids deserve so much more!
PB doesn't have a horrible birth mom. At least she will fight for her kids. She loves them. I have to give her credit for that. Beans mom is AWOL again. This is the 4th time that she has ran since Bean has been born. But still... reunification is the goal.
*eyeroll*
I just got a call from the director of the the bureau of child welfare. She was very kind and explained they have no legal standing when it comes to foster kids.
This makes me cringe.
HUH? how can the BUREAU of CHILD *WELFARE* have no legal standing? She explained that the
D.A. makes all the decisions. She has informed her legal team about PB's situation and they are making "recommendations". But apparently they are being told to shove off.
I just sit here shaking my head.
In not so many words she told me to back off....that there is a fine line between being heard and being a nuisance.
Great.
We are lucky that BM wants contact with us. We will take advantage of that as much as we can to make sure PB is okay... and dammit... if we have to support him long distance.. that is what we are going to do. He will not suffer because of some lawyers who took 15 minutes to look at his file... and decide they knew it all...then sign an agreement with BM's attorney that they will not go for a protective custody order.
This is NOT the last time the bureau will hear from me. I am NOT finished with the GAL and the ADA's. My voice will be heard. These kids deserve so much more!
PB doesn't have a horrible birth mom. At least she will fight for her kids. She loves them. I have to give her credit for that. Beans mom is AWOL again. This is the 4th time that she has ran since Bean has been born. But still... reunification is the goal.
*eyeroll*
Friday, August 31, 2012
My old blog.
I visited it again today and began to pick out random days to read.
It was interesting reading the daily going on's of life then. I had time to bake, go out with friends, read..nap.
I think about my life today and even if our house smells like a poopy diaper half the time and I haven't actually lit candles or had an uninterrupted hour of simply sitting with Traci in months, I wouldn't change it for the world.
This morning I dropped PB off at daycare and said goodbye to him until Monday. This weekend I am not his mom. Someone else will be making decisions like where to take him, how to dress him.. someone else will be scooping him up out of his crib in the morning and cuddling with him on the couch.
This weekend I won't have to say "No glasses" "no blinds" "we don't bite" "This is nothing new- I change your diaper (insert: change clothes/put on pajamas/brush teeth/put you in your highchair) everyday--so you can stop crying" "no hair"...etc etc etc.. 1 million times a day. This weekend his little 10 month old brain will forget who I am and he will be living in the moment with his mom.
I will miss him.
Traci and I are stressed out to capacity. Literally one second we have talked it out and think we have figured out how to be "okay"... then 45 minutes later one of us is crying.
Ugh. Forget it. I don't want to write about this anymore!!!! I don't want to freaking THINK about this anymore!!! I just need this transition to be done.
Lets talk about something else, shall we?
My old blog.. full of memories of Mic. I look back at our 72 degree life together and think that it was exactly what I needed at that time in my life... until I realized it wasn't. When I left, I left her almost everything (brand new living room furniture, bedroom furniture, kitchen furniture, big screen tv, wii... the list goes on) except a chair, a bed & couch that were mine when I moved in. I gave her money every month for 4 months after I moved out to help with the mortgage (of a house that isn't in my name.. she had it before I moved in) and bills.
She sent me a text today.
She wants the cell phone back.
The phone that I paid for the service through September of this year -- even though I didn't use it. The phone that cost ONE CENT to purchase.
And she wants it back ASAP.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHA.
It was interesting reading the daily going on's of life then. I had time to bake, go out with friends, read..nap.
I think about my life today and even if our house smells like a poopy diaper half the time and I haven't actually lit candles or had an uninterrupted hour of simply sitting with Traci in months, I wouldn't change it for the world.
This morning I dropped PB off at daycare and said goodbye to him until Monday. This weekend I am not his mom. Someone else will be making decisions like where to take him, how to dress him.. someone else will be scooping him up out of his crib in the morning and cuddling with him on the couch.
This weekend I won't have to say "No glasses" "no blinds" "we don't bite" "This is nothing new- I change your diaper (insert: change clothes/put on pajamas/brush teeth/put you in your highchair) everyday--so you can stop crying" "no hair"...etc etc etc.. 1 million times a day. This weekend his little 10 month old brain will forget who I am and he will be living in the moment with his mom.
I will miss him.
Traci and I are stressed out to capacity. Literally one second we have talked it out and think we have figured out how to be "okay"... then 45 minutes later one of us is crying.
Ugh. Forget it. I don't want to write about this anymore!!!! I don't want to freaking THINK about this anymore!!! I just need this transition to be done.
Lets talk about something else, shall we?
My old blog.. full of memories of Mic. I look back at our 72 degree life together and think that it was exactly what I needed at that time in my life... until I realized it wasn't. When I left, I left her almost everything (brand new living room furniture, bedroom furniture, kitchen furniture, big screen tv, wii... the list goes on) except a chair, a bed & couch that were mine when I moved in. I gave her money every month for 4 months after I moved out to help with the mortgage (of a house that isn't in my name.. she had it before I moved in) and bills.
She sent me a text today.
She wants the cell phone back.
The phone that I paid for the service through September of this year -- even though I didn't use it. The phone that cost ONE CENT to purchase.
And she wants it back ASAP.
HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHHA.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
2 kids who have the runs = shitty times.
Ohh my sides. That joke. Hardeeharhar.
Yup. Both kids are sick.
I think God is trying to send us a message that 2 kids are/is (??) 1 kid too much for us.
We hear you God.
BM had an unsupervised visit yesterday. She sent back the communication notebook mapping out EVERYTHING they did. I read it... and I actually felt pretty damn good about it. She might be a better mom than me.
At least she has all day to do things with him and doesn't have to go to a pesky job (bitter sarcasm).
We are starting to realized that THIS is ACTUALLY happening. We have no control over it. Either we can remain bitter bitchy women.. or go forward. Realized we ROCKED it out .. and PB is a stinkin' awesome kid.
Oh. And that he will RUN HER over. He is BEYOND a nix-noox.
She wants us to be part of PB's life. Traci and I remain firm in our stance and believe that we cannot see him. It would be far too hard. We were thinking, though-- maybe we could send care packages or something like that. I am not sure of the reason WHY we would do it, outside of the fact that it would just make us feel good.
This weekend is his first overnight weekend visit. It is going to be hard.. but I think this schedule was not only laid out for him and to make his transition a little easier... but for us too. Little by little until he is gone.
The Bean's mom ... is.. um.. well...is challenged.
She believes that we are in charge of when and where we can drop her daughter off for her to keep her overnight "for weeks", and we should go to the judge and tell him/her to put BM on probation and that we are going to give Bean back to her. She is completely in denial about what is going on and even more so.. WHY it is going on. I can't imagine that she will be around for a long period of time. The sad thing is that soon she will be 18 and have no one hunting her down or giving her a place to live.
She has also asked us to pierce Beans ears, to start giving her bottles of ice cold tap water, and to not allow her to put her fingers in her mouth.
Yeah - I will get right on it.
It has been slipping my mind that along with everything else that is going on ... we are going to be home owners at the end of September.. and we have to MOVE in October... and then we are getting MARRIED in March. Oh.. and squeeze in a California trip and a Florida trip in there, too.
This weekend I am going to a wedding with my Rebs. There are going to be 14 different DJ's spinning- and an open bar. Mama's gonna have to get some new dancin' shoes and go woop it up!!!! Traci is going to be taking The Bean up north to see her bestie... it is going to be a GREAT weekend.. I wont allow anything else.
Yup. Both kids are sick.
I think God is trying to send us a message that 2 kids are/is (??) 1 kid too much for us.
We hear you God.
BM had an unsupervised visit yesterday. She sent back the communication notebook mapping out EVERYTHING they did. I read it... and I actually felt pretty damn good about it. She might be a better mom than me.
At least she has all day to do things with him and doesn't have to go to a pesky job (bitter sarcasm).
We are starting to realized that THIS is ACTUALLY happening. We have no control over it. Either we can remain bitter bitchy women.. or go forward. Realized we ROCKED it out .. and PB is a stinkin' awesome kid.
Oh. And that he will RUN HER over. He is BEYOND a nix-noox.
She wants us to be part of PB's life. Traci and I remain firm in our stance and believe that we cannot see him. It would be far too hard. We were thinking, though-- maybe we could send care packages or something like that. I am not sure of the reason WHY we would do it, outside of the fact that it would just make us feel good.
This weekend is his first overnight weekend visit. It is going to be hard.. but I think this schedule was not only laid out for him and to make his transition a little easier... but for us too. Little by little until he is gone.
The Bean's mom ... is.. um.. well...is challenged.
She believes that we are in charge of when and where we can drop her daughter off for her to keep her overnight "for weeks", and we should go to the judge and tell him/her to put BM on probation and that we are going to give Bean back to her. She is completely in denial about what is going on and even more so.. WHY it is going on. I can't imagine that she will be around for a long period of time. The sad thing is that soon she will be 18 and have no one hunting her down or giving her a place to live.
She has also asked us to pierce Beans ears, to start giving her bottles of ice cold tap water, and to not allow her to put her fingers in her mouth.
Yeah - I will get right on it.
It has been slipping my mind that along with everything else that is going on ... we are going to be home owners at the end of September.. and we have to MOVE in October... and then we are getting MARRIED in March. Oh.. and squeeze in a California trip and a Florida trip in there, too.
This weekend I am going to a wedding with my Rebs. There are going to be 14 different DJ's spinning- and an open bar. Mama's gonna have to get some new dancin' shoes and go woop it up!!!! Traci is going to be taking The Bean up north to see her bestie... it is going to be a GREAT weekend.. I wont allow anything else.
Tuesday, August 21, 2012
Figuring it all out.
People keep asking... how are you?
Well in the last week.. in my heart it has been horrible. I have been a mess. I have been on the edge of crying all the time.
In my mind I have been spinning and kicking myself for ever signing up for this gig in the first place.
Well in the last week.. in my heart it has been horrible. I have been a mess. I have been on the edge of crying all the time.
In my mind I have been spinning and kicking myself for ever signing up for this gig in the first place.
But TODAY... I am doing okay TODAY.. Traci and I have decided that we need to stop being SOOOOOO sad about Peanut Butter leaving. It is going to be HARD but.. technically.. we did our job .. and did it well. We have a LOT to look forward to.. and we have the LOUDEST baby on earth (Bean) to watch over and enjoy.
We have to have faith that the people who will be dropping in for the next year checking on Peanut Butter will be doing their jobs and have his best interest at hand.
The HARDEST HARDEST HARDEST part is that we have NO SAY and NO CONTROL in any of it...
but.. we will be okay... so will he.
I don't think this is the last time we see him. I have a feeling he will be back. I hope that she totally doesn't eff him up like she did the brother when she had him for a hot minute, and then was returned. But we would take him back, hot mess and all.
Friday, August 17, 2012
working through this.
We have had a couple of days to let this settle in.
Traci and I have to be honest with ourselves... we always thought this might happen. We have to step back and realize how awesome it has been that we have been able to see this kid grow right in front of our eyes.
Yesterday he took three steps at daycare. We want it to happen on our watch.. we want to be there for his first word.. his first steps.. we have one month to make it happen.
God works in magnificent ways.
It clicked the other day ..
1. We found a church we love after looking for a while.. and we will need the support of those there.
2. The way this house is working out- we will be able to move in with a fresh slate... it would have
been horrible to move in and THEN find out this information.. and have to take his room down
and de-Peanut Butter.
3. We have baby C. She will now be an only child.. and will be spoiled rotten.
4. We have each other. I know that I wouldn't have been able to do this with anyone else other
Traci. Mic NEVER would have been able to deal or to be a support.. or would have been able
to communicate about it or anything. Yet another reason Traci and I were brought together.
We WILL be okay. Peanut Butter WILL be okay.
The inspection for the house was yesterday-- there are some issues.. we told the seller to fix or we walk. I hope he fixes.. I like the joint.
CIW
PS Sorry about all the swearing in previous posts. It happens.
Traci and I have to be honest with ourselves... we always thought this might happen. We have to step back and realize how awesome it has been that we have been able to see this kid grow right in front of our eyes.
Yesterday he took three steps at daycare. We want it to happen on our watch.. we want to be there for his first word.. his first steps.. we have one month to make it happen.
God works in magnificent ways.
It clicked the other day ..
1. We found a church we love after looking for a while.. and we will need the support of those there.
2. The way this house is working out- we will be able to move in with a fresh slate... it would have
been horrible to move in and THEN find out this information.. and have to take his room down
and de-Peanut Butter.
3. We have baby C. She will now be an only child.. and will be spoiled rotten.
4. We have each other. I know that I wouldn't have been able to do this with anyone else other
Traci. Mic NEVER would have been able to deal or to be a support.. or would have been able
to communicate about it or anything. Yet another reason Traci and I were brought together.
We WILL be okay. Peanut Butter WILL be okay.
The inspection for the house was yesterday-- there are some issues.. we told the seller to fix or we walk. I hope he fixes.. I like the joint.
CIW
PS Sorry about all the swearing in previous posts. It happens.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
STFU.
The GAL came tonight. The first time in 10 months... Ironically AFTER the decision was made to send PB home.
She had the balls to ask Traci and I...would you be interested in being respite for PB?
We were speechless. Finally I was able to say.... If BM is going to be a full time mom... She can figure out her own respite.
What I wanted to say was you ho bag.. She has had TEN MONTHS of respite. We have been through the ringer with BM... You think we want to help her now? After she has wrongly thrown us under the damn bus more than 20 times? Take your respite and shove it up your ass.
She had the balls to ask Traci and I...would you be interested in being respite for PB?
We were speechless. Finally I was able to say.... If BM is going to be a full time mom... She can figure out her own respite.
What I wanted to say was you ho bag.. She has had TEN MONTHS of respite. We have been through the ringer with BM... You think we want to help her now? After she has wrongly thrown us under the damn bus more than 20 times? Take your respite and shove it up your ass.
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