wwwwHHHHHEEEEEeeee!!!!

Vegas kicked ASS. Honestly. How freaking lucky am I that I was able to GO, bring my girlfriend, and have EVERYTHING paid for?!?? Yeah, I am totally bragging.

I could go back for another week-- I didn't do NEARLY as much as I wanted to, and we did a LOT! My favorite thing? Traci and I jumped off the Stratosphere. Yeah. Its true. This short fatty with a humongous fear of heights took the leap. I would recommend it. I did it at night. It was AWESOME.

These aren't good pictures.. but they are proof. :)

On the baby front:

I love this little kiddo. My frustration with "the system" have come to a boil. BM is stating there is no reason that PB was removed from her care. Yeaaahh, BM, no reason. Not for him, his brothers and sister or the two "mystery kids" that you keep saying you had. Uh huh.

All kidding aside, it makes me nervous. I want PB around for a long time. Long. Forever long. What if there is some weirdo who thinks she is okay to take custody of him? I would worry about him every.single.day. She now wants me to call and meet with her brother for him to give me breast milk for the baby. Are you kidding me? No way in hell that I am going to meet with some dude who just happens to be the brother of the woman whose CHILD IS IN MY CARE. She doesn't work, she pumps milk and goes on the computers at the library. She can figure it out. Not to mention she hasn't gotten any to me in almost a month. Newsflash, BM: it takes more to be a mother than pumping milk.

So much more to the story. I get exhausted talking about it, though. I get  bitter when I talk about it too much. I know I am doing my job, and doing it well. He is ADORABLE and happy and ahead of the game. That is what matters.

Lets not go back there, k?

The little Peanut Butter is on the mend. The nurses were so kind to him while we were there and every single one of them commented on how freakin' cute he is. I wanted to feel proud.. But I have nothing to do with that lol. I did feel proud, though, when he would show off his smiles and giggles... That's me. I will take responsibility for his happiness :)

My girl was there too. You know she digs you and your foster son when she squeezes her almost 6ft frame on a 4 ft couch.

PB is out of daycare for a week. That flippin' germ house.

I need to get Internet. Blogging from.a phone is re-donk. My thumbs ache.

RSV

Here we sit in Children's Hospital and little peanut butter has RSV. This icky cold has progressed into something icky-er and I finally made the decision to bring him in last night. I did everything I could at home with the humidifiers, snot suckers, saline drops, etc. Then the wheezing started. Ugh. Poor little man.

He is in the best care possible here, though. Now if I could just catch a nap.

We will be here until tomorrow.

Amazing, really- this mom gig. Making these decisions for a little peanut that completely depends on me. As I sit in this room alone with him (Traci had to leave for work) I realize just how major this is. I realize this is just exactly where I want to be. That no one would ever want to spend 2 days in a hospital, but I am here because of this little guy, who I love... and I want to get better... because of that, I can't help love being here-- as if I didn't have him, I would never have had to set foot in this place.

Does that make sense?

I think he is drifting off.. now I am going to sit in the squeakiest chair this side of the Mississippi and drift off by his side.

Almost back to work..pics added :)

This little kiddo that is sleeping soundly just to my left is going to be 8 weeks old next week. TWO MONTHS. I can't believe how quickly time has flown by.

I am having a lot of internal struggles with what is going on with this peanut. I was told that he was going to be a low legal risk.. I am finding out that is different. BM is more involved than I can even explain. As a "true" foster parent, that is great..she SHOULD be involved and doing anything she can to get her baby back. As a possible adoptive parent,this is incredibly frustrating. This woman knows the in's and out's of the foster care system. She is appealing everything...and doing things like reporting me to her attorney for giving the baby a nook.


I am loving having this little man in my home. I hope he stays for a very long time.. perhaps forever. I had no idea that a birth parent could give me this much frustration. I would love it, as well, if the agency would give me straight answers... or at the very least, inform me of things as simple as court dates... and what they are for. Half of me is always on alert that they will show up at my door to take peanut back to his mom without any notice. That isn't fun.

Over all, the good out weighs the bad.

His first Christmas was wonderful... and he is doing great at night... next week he will start daycare.  I have met another foster couple who have a little boy the same age (a few days older) as mine, and they invited me over for a really great visit the other night. It was SO NICE to talk to other women who are having my same feelings!

I am dating a woman named Traci. I don't know how much I mentioned of her in the past. We knew each other in the 90's when I was dating Lisa. After Lisa's death, we lost touch... and then reconnected over facebook. I wish I had the words to put down exactly how I felt about her. We are building a beautiful story. I really feel like she was brought back into my life for a reason. It is strange for me to talk about this seeing as it has only been 6 months since my break up... but I am really beginning to see "me" come back. We laugh and have a wonderful time.. she TALKS to me.. imagine that!?!? She is beautiful and butch and tall and strong. This connection we have is everything that I have been searching for in the last 6 years.

It is interesting that once you leave a relationship and look back. I wasn't horribly unhappy with Mic. It was always a cool 72 degrees. Nothing spectacular. Nothing passionate. It was just how I thought life was going to be. Yanno.. fine.

Now I have Traci. The passion is back in my life. The excitement. The romance. I am loving every single moment. She is excited about ME. She is excited about possibly having a family together. She is excited about our story.

So.. life is good. It is exactly what I have always wanted.


Ok... I tried uploading pics from my phone and they were gigantor size... Let's see if this will work better..

As I dig in my pocket

And find a binkie, I realize I am a mom. Temporary or not, I am one. My dream is happening...and *I* did it. Me.

I am going to pat myself on the back for one moment...as in this insanity of case worker visits, classes, in home visits and then trying to have my own life on top of it....I realize that for the first time ever, I am doing EXACTLY what I want to be doing... And by the grace of God...I am doing a pretty good job.

On top of that, I am dating an amazing woman who adores me as much as I do her. Not to mention the friends that I have who have been in my corner this whole time.

I am blessed.



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I'm in a funk

I knew these things would happen when I signed up to be a foster mom.

Now I just got a phone call from the facilitator that the visit for tonight was cancelled... As BM has an appointment that could run late. She also mentioned next weeks trial.

I had enough. I called her back and said... Listen...no one is telling me anything. WHAT trial is NEXT week??? The baby's 5 year old brothers TPR trial is next week. The adorable little boy who has been in foster care for a big chunk if his short life...and has been pushed aside since his baby brother came into the picture and has taken over BMs attention at the visitations.

I am convinced that yesterday's hearing was squeezed in prior to brothers TPR trial for a reason. Typically when one TPR is approved the next one happens a little more quickly. But since she now has home visits, I don't know what to expect.

I simply don't know what to expect and that is my biggest problem. I have to put all control into a system that I really don't trust.

There is a big life lesson brewing, I know it.

Today I need to stop holding this baby, get off this couch and clean my apartment. It's horrid.

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My frustration

With the child welfare system here has grown 10 fold over night.

I received a call from a visitation worker last night -- court was to decide if this baby would even stay in foster care. The judge decided that he would... But has added another supervised visit in her home...every week. Per the worker...they will be taking place every Saturday.

No caseworker could tell me what this court case was about...but I received a call from the visitation worker who knew everything? The one that is working on a third party contract which is up in January and won't even be employed at that point...SHE knows it all???

I emailed the one case worker that actually returns emails and I explained that I completely understand that I am a foster mom and have no voice or rights and that this baby can leave at any moment...but for someone to not even notify me that a decision like that was being made is simply unacceptable. That I may only be a foster parent, but I still should be able to have a moment to process things like this.

What is completely fucked up is that BM has 3 other kids in FC. One who she is actively having visitations with... But this baby is the one who is being put into her care on a more regulated basis? An un-medicated, delusional, mentally ill woman who has no phone, job or form of transportation.

Yes. My frustration is going through the roof right now.


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