who would have thought?

I should have been more honest with myself when we said okay to this new kiddo. 

For some reason that I am totally unsure of, I thought it was going to be relatively easy. How wrong can one person be? Because I was THAT wrong.  I thought hey.. we were just through all of this just 42 seconds ago with PB..how hard can it be with this little bean? She is SUCH a different baby (of course- duh) and is pretty much opposite of PB when he was 2 months.

Traci and I have had a rough week. The lack of sleep and horrible diet has absolutely caught up with us. Even with the challenges, I absolutely would not want to be on this journey with anyone else. 

The Bean is laying here in my arms kind of balancing on the table as I type this. Overall, even when I am at the brink of madness at 2am.. I have to remember that she is a blessing. God brought her to us for a reason and we will do everything in our power to make sure she is loved and supported in everything she does.

We have two children here that come from long lines of dysfunction. Now, I am no saint and my past isn't paved with jellybeans, but I think we can break the cycle... or at least give it a good college try.

Now I have to go learn about how I take care of this little beans hair. There are so many rules!

I love that she is just laying here staring at me. I think she likes the sound of the keyboard.

In other news, PB is crawling like CRAZY and pulling himself up on everything. He is chuck full of personality and always has a smile on his face. His giggle is infectious.  I wish I could share it with you all. Maybe someday.

night.
CIW

eyes are widening..

With PB we have been lucky to get a couple of caseworkers that will give us information if talked to in the correct manner. Thankfully I have sales in my background and because of that understand how to communicate with different personality types. This has worked in my favor a few times.

I think in Bean's case, it is going to be a little bit more difficult. I have yet to meet her, and she is brand-spankin' new out of school. It sounds like she is completely overwhelmed, and doesn't know her right foot from left. But maybe that is the situation for most of the bureau.  Case in point... we have realized that I am only licensed for one child, Traci's license hasn't been completed yet.  How in the world do we have this little Bean in our home? It is crazy how similar both BM's stories (from what I know so far) are.  I think she is absolutely meant to be with us. 

Her eyes are widening. It is adorable. I don't think she got much attention in the group home that mom abandon her in. We aren't sure exactly how long she was there. I believe a number of weeks. You can already see her starting to change with the attention and love we have been able to shower on her.

I have made a promise to myself to not get so caught up in the mama drama. I have no control over it anyways. I don't want to miss a moment of these kiddos.  I am going to figure out how to use the dumb little video camera thing I have and we are going to fire it up. I am going to take 234283 pictures with a real camera and GET THEM DEVELOPED I will put them in books and frames love every moment of being a crafty mom.

CIW

We did it!

We got through the first 24 hours as a family of four. The new little Bean did wonderful. We went to Pride, took some swoops around the grounds. I know we would have stayed longer if it wasn't 56874 degrees. That is weird about Pride in Milwaukee.. it is either hot enough to fry your face off, or you are wearing mittens. I prefer the mittens.

We went to my cousin's birthday party after the fest and the Bean was welcomed with open arms. It made me tear up for a moment. I underestimate my family. I need to stop that.

Today we are going to the Pride Parade and then back to the house to make it look less like an episode of Hoarders. I don't even want to THINK about the basement.

Between yesterday and today, I am finding it more apparent that people without kids tend to make distance with those that have kids.. I am missing some of my friends...and I wish Anne and Amy lived closer.  I guess this is my new life. I am happy about it. I just wish I had a larger community around me. Maybe it will happen with the new people I am meeting?

Okay. Time for a bath for Bean. She still smells like the group home.

CIW

Suddenly a family of four

Two days ago Traci and I were sitting on the porch after a really crappy day. We were playing with PB and just trying to relax after the day. I looked at PB and thought to myself... maybe one is enough. Let's find out what happens to him first.. and if he doesn't stay with us, go back on a list.

Then we slept, then I went to work.. and then the phone call came. They have a baby. 2 months old. Mom is 17 and in foster care herself. AWOL all the time- was in a group home, now in Juvenile Detention. Prostitute.. no idea who the father is.

Of course we said bring her to us.

How could we not?

After 24 hours, I am warming up to this little squished face, chubby cheek soul.  She sure is different than PB, but wonderful all the same.

Oh. And she isn't 2 months. She is SIX WEEKS.

Traci is taking off a week, we will get daycare lined up for her, and she will be good to go!

Meanwhile.. the drama never stops with PB's BM.  She is always there.. in the background.. doing everything BUT the things she needs to do to get her kiddos back.  I can't say I am upset about this.

This weekend is Milwaukee's Pride weekend.. usually I would be in the middle of my 7th drink, running into people down at the lakefront.. doing some serious people watching and just acting a fool.

This year.. well.. a bit different. I just went and picked up our "limo" .. a double stroller. We are going to pack up the crew and head down to the lakefront just for a bit. It is hot out today. Maybe shop for a min.. see who we run into, and then head over to my cousins for a little birthday gathering.

People want to meet our new addition.. and I am excited to share her.

She needs lots of love. She has a lot of growing and thriving to do!

And then you get a glimpse.

Things have been the same with PB. He is growing like a weed, and Traci has taught him to fake cough. So he does this little cough and then laughs his head off.  This WILL bite her in the ass at some point.. I am sure of it.. but it will probably be funny then, too.

We all have been sick in the house with the stomach flu. BM didn't believe that he was sick- and now believes that, while he was recovering and went to a visit- we asked to only feed bland rice cereal... well.. we are DEMANDING and reported that to the visitation worker.

*eye roll*

It is all exausting.

So. Here is the gig. I was on the news yesterday. I did an interview for a program that we have going on at work. 

The interview went fine.. blah blah blah.. I could do crap like that in my sleep. I knew I wasn't going to look pretty-- I know I am a big girl. But when I saw the clip I was horrified. HORRIFIED. I felt like turning off my computer, going home, and locking myself in my room. My stomach sunk, I couldn't take my eyes off of myself. I looked like something on a TLC "before" show... where they have to get a special car to get the person to the gastric  bypass doctor and he doesn't even know if he can DO the surgery because the person is so gigantic. Yes. THAT is what I looked like.

Yesterday was hard. SO HARD. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to get this large.

So. As much as I wanted to wallow in my sorrows, order a pizza and cry all night... Traci dragged my sorry ass out for a 4 mile walk (and now I have blisters on my toes). Then I contacted my old personal trainer, and we are meeting today. 

Shit stops now. I am a mom. I am going to be getting married. I want to be alive.

I have all this damn shake mix... LOL

*exhale*

Here goes nothing.

Diet. That one that started weeks ago? The one I have to restart.

I bought diet shake mix. It will work. I know it will. I did it for one week, and I felt FANTASTIC. Since then, life has happened.. I haven't gone to the grocery store. And I need a hand held shaky thing that I manually shake for lunches. As in this office - a blender cannot be found.

What made me sad:

The second box of it was delivered yesterday.

Do you know how far behind that makes me and my fat ass? FAR. I should have the 1st box gone. Uh. not quite.

I foresee a trip to Target this weekend to find that shaky hand held cup whatcha ma-callit.

Also...

I am madly in love with my girl. It goes beyond everything that I could possibly write in this blog. Big words are not common coming out of my mouth. For instance, I was going to say.. big words aren't my forte, but then I had to look up forte... so see.. it just isn't natural.

Anyways.. even if I could write down all of those big words describing how happy I am in my life right now.. they wouldn't do it justice.

Even with all of the foster care bitching .. I feel so lucky that I even have the opportunity to bitch about it. As, if I were still living my previous life, I don't know if it would have come to be.
Traci and I TALK. We visit churches, we both want a family, we love traditions, we know that life can be completely NUTS.. but we sit down together every night and have dinner together. Even if it is take out. At night we fall asleep in our snuggly double bed, holding hands. smooshed up against one another.

I believe in love again. I believe in mutual respect.

My previous life was nothing to complain about, but it lacked so much. Nothing that was expensive or hard to find or rare. It lacked the simple... the everyday passion. The passion that can even be found by shoving mail and notes and crap out of the way to sit down at the dining room table and talk about our day.

I have the love that I have always wanted. The love that I would see other people share and wish that, in my previous life.. I could just at least get a sample of. Now here I am. Living my dream. God is good. His plan may not always be the easiest to see.. but that is what faith is, right? Knowing we are going through the puddles of mud in order to get to the sunny shores.

Ah yes. I am a lucky girl. I am proud to be one.

ciw.

As much as I don't want to share this information....

Man.. Kids really DO take a lot of time... of course in a wonderful way. Even not so wonderful ways.. but I wont complain about those, because I am blessed with this little nugget of joy that is giggling in his crib right before he falls asleep... ON HIS OWN.

So.

The trial. BM was given 90 days. 90 days to accomplish a list of things that if you or I were given them... we would have them done in about 7 days.

Apparently this list in BM's world means that, if accomplished, she has the right to get PB back.

yup.

You read that correctly. She gets him back.

A list with things like... "work well with case workers" on it.

WTF?!?!?! How does THAT prove she will be a stable mother?  Be nice. Smile. Comb your hair. If you do those things. BOOM. You have proven you are a fit mom and can raise your children.

Traci and I are really struggling with this information.  There are things that are getting me through this. I have probably mentioned them a million times here, but I will again. BM could be a really HORRIFIC person, and honestly- she isn't. She has some mental issues... that if she would just DO something about, could probably be overcome. She isn't a crack whore. She isn't abusive. She isn't a LOT of things. So, if a kiddo had to go back to a mom... I have to be make it okay in my brain that BM isn't a whole lot of things that are far worse than what she is.

On the bright side... apparently this list is very similar to the one that she has had since PB was detained. She hasn't done it in 5 months. Will she do it in 90 days? I don't know.

I got word today that she is going for VISITS with the two older kids... that have been in foster care for 6 years.. and haven't seen her in 2 years. Yes. Some asswipe of a judge ordered visits. These poor kids. HOW is that best for them? They need stability. They need a forever family.

My head spins when I think of it. I went into the urgent care last night and was diagnosed with bronchitis. Today I was supposed to be sleeping all day. Instead I dealt with caseworkers ALL DAY.
Not cool.. I knew that "the system" was fucked.. but MAN it is effed BAD.

Traci and I have talked it over. We want to adopt. That is our goal. I have never had as much stress as I have had while dealing with "the system'. So- we are going to get another bed, get some information on some older kiddos... probably under 3...by older I mean that they REALLY don't have to be newborns. So.. onward we go with that.

I found a foster parent support group. It was nice to get out with Traci and get some information and fellowship EXACTLY when we needed it. Everyone has a story and on the scale of stories.. ours is far from a horror story.  I need to be very careful about who I vent to. There is always someone living a more difficult situation than I am.

In other news. Traci is my freakin' super hero. I have been SICK AS HELL and she has taken care of me, the house and PB. She hasn't complained once... I love her. I can't wait to get married and show her off as my wife :)

Okay. Now I am going to scour craigslist for a convertible crib/toddler bed.... and move forward knowing I cannot change the situation with PB I can only have faith that I have given him everything I could have.