these children.

I'm not going to sugar coat this.

I am about to explode. 

I am about to go out for bread and change my name. 

I can only imagine that if everyone had children that behaved like this humans would be extinct. 

Also- I am so sick of people saying.. just

Take them somewhere- let them run off some energy!  Like it is that easy to take 3 complete hellions ANYWHERE and by myself on top of it. 

I didn't know motherhood would be like this. I can't say that I would sign up for it again. 

I am in a pretty  shitty place right now. 

4 children later.

Big mail day in the hizzy.. BIG DAY.

I got my updated drivers license with our new address in the mail.  I was 85lbs heaver in the photo.  I am waiting for the day that someone looks at my license and says.. my goodness.. that doesn't even look like you! Then and only then will I go into the DMV for a new photo.  We also got Emme's new birth certificate in the mail. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL. Traci is listed as a parent. MAJOR. MAAAAJOOOORRR. Finally, we got a letter stating our foster license is closed.

We are our own family.

JUST US.

No social workers.

No GALs.

OUR FAMILY.

It saddens me that we no longer carry a foster license.  For 5 years, that has been part of our identity.  Part of our intro.  Now what? We are just two chics with 3 kids. End of story.

On another note, I sent out Thanksgiving cards... PRIOR to Thanksgiving.  I am fucking killing it here.

 

HA RIGHT.  I just dug gum out of Cora's mouth that she found in a wrapper in the garbage.

Also.. we are starting to live a more minimalistic life... we are going through all the kids toys and they don't have many left. I absolutely love how this has allowed them to really use their imaginations. Now I need to get over their mess.. that is far from minimalistic. 

SS Minnow 

 

rant. woah-ez me.

I have to remember, somehow, that I am not the first parent that feels the way I do.

I am not the first parent that feels like her kids are running the house, that her walls will never be clean again, that the talking back and screaming and hitting and biting and just all around REDONK is never ending.

I am not the first parent that wants her life back.  I miss doing what I want when I want. I miss having friends. I miss going to bed and not struggling to sleep while being kicked by a 2 year old all night.

I am not the only one with a four year old that is as stubborn and impossible to parent.. and actually contributes to my desire to "go out to get a gallon of milk".

I am not the first parent to spin in place, thinking about the laundry, what to feed the kids, cleaning the house, paying the bills and about the jobs she has outside of the house...until you go numb and completely useless.

I am on overload.

But I am not the first parent to feel this way.  I have a long line of amazing parents before I ever got this title.  They were in FAR more difficult situations than I am in.

I need to summons their power.

Is there some sort of crystal or magic powder I can buy in order to do this? I will save all of my pennies for it sell all of my worldly possessions.. sell my plasma. WHATEVER IT TAKES because this mama needs to up her Prozac and have a glass of wine before I lose my goddamn mind.


PS. As I am typing this, my 2 year old asks to put big girl undies on.  done. now she is hiding in her pooping place.  Awesome.

Mom is doing well. This election, on the other hand...

Mom's surgery went well. Now we find out the kinds of improvements we will see. I am praying so hard for her.

Along with my mom, I am praying for this country as I tune in and out of election results.  My blood  pressure can't take it.

I need to go to bed. When I wake up, a woman better be in charge.

fucking colds.

My mom has NPH - in short, she has water on her brain. Two weeks ago she was supposed to have a shunt inserted. Because of some complications that didn't happen. 

It was rescheduled to tomorrow. Because of my schedule I am not going to be there... so I drove down lastnight to visit. I woke up with a fever and a cold. 

So I had to hightail it out of there. 

I couldn't even give her a hug when I left.

 

My heart is breaking. 

Please lord let everything go as planned. 

check in

Jesus. Time to get this rolling again. I finally feel like my life at a place where that can happen.  We are all settled in Appleton.  The kids are in 4K and Emme is in daycare.  I absolutely love my job and I am also working a second job cleaning at the health club at night.  Just 2 hours a night for three nights a week.  I am by myself.  It is quiet. I can think.

Traci and Sara finished our bedroom and they are putting the finishing touches on the room downstairs.  I am not yet sure how the decorating will all play out. I am in no hurry.  This house feels like home.  We aren't going anywhere.  It is AMAZING to have Greg and Maurice next door and family just a few minutes away.

The kids love it. They love playing outside. Sara brought them a big play yard and they adore it.

I am working out- and have started running. Traci is still at the moving company- but that wont be forever. Only until we get her health figured out.

SO YAY WARDS!

We so effing GOT THIS.

I even took them out trick or treating BY MYSELF yesterday...and I didn't even take my prozac.

We got through a bunch of houses before it just got too cold and Emme ended the experience by tantruming in the front yard, throwing her bucket of candy everywhere, tearing off her costume and jacket and running around screaming.  It was quite a performance!

We had two different Doc McStuffins in the hizzy and an Iron Man! 

I'm ready to keep this good feeling going! 
 

more waiting until we get ready to wait some more.

One more thing to check off the list... a job in Appleton.  I am so beyond about this. B E Y O N D.

Part time at the funeral home.  The job is spectacular.  The owner of the funeral home is SO STINKING NICE.  I can't even explain how excited I am to become part of the team there. 

I tried to tell Traci about it-- but kids stirred up the words coming from my mouth to her ears. She didn't quite get the excitement. That is okay.  Then I tried calling my mom to tell her, but it sounded like she just finished the last drop of the bottle. So. Well. That didn't get the response I was hoping for.  The most important thing is that I did it. I got the job.  They chose ME.  Also- this means that I will still be able to contribute financially to the family, become more involved with our kids day-to-day and best of all.. re-align myself, goals, priorities, etc.

Another check mark.  The list of things to do is long between packing and organizing and EVERYTHING that needs to be done at the new place.

Yanno what, though?

I could care less if we were moving into circa 1963 untouched time capsule. Orange shag carpeting and wallpaper on the ceilings. It would mean that The Wards are putting their faith first and family an immediate 2nd.. and doing exactly what is best for us.