trying to move forward

I read on the blog of a woman who has adopted ELEVEN children (holy crap) about a story on how she was going to the court date of her dear friends who were adopting out of the US foster care system.  She said.. "and for anyone who has been part of foster care you know that it is not for the faint of heart....It is a marathon of emotions, a feat of physical stamina and an experience that changes a person forever."

She nailed it.

THAT is how I feel.

Saying goodbye to Peanut Butter was THE SINGLE MOST difficult thing I have done. He was our kid. I know that I have friends who are really trying to understand why I seem just a little "off".  I am trying to get back to being me. I think there are glimpses of "the old me" every now and again. I wish it was the old THINNER me..  but yanno.

There are people who just don't understand that this isn't a typical parenting gig. Not only are we parents to these kiddos that may or may not stay..  but then we have to figure out how to "co-parent" (for lack of a better word atm) with a mentally ill (or whatever the situation may be) parent. Then schedule our lives around caseworkers, classes, visits, nurses...

I am not going to go on about how challenging it is, just take my word for it. It is a challenge.

And on top of it I am dealing with my son leaving.

I just can't brush it off.

He is gone.

I have taken down his pictures from my office walls, I can't watch the videos anymore. It isn't because I don't love him. It is because I have to move on.  It isn't because I want to forget. It is because I have to be here-- in the present -- for my family.  My future wife and my little Bean need me.

He will ALWAYS be in my heart.

A short month after he left, I am already looking back and saying.. my God.. he was my LIFE.. how did I DO that...how am I still breathing after watching the car carrying him just drive away? In the same breath I am pretty damn proud of the mom I was to him. We had fun. Traci rocked it more than me.

She is having a difficult time with all of this. She is really struggling and I wish there was something I could do in order to help. I know it will take time, but I also want her to see how much we have still here. She said she is having a hard time bonding with Bean. I get it. But Bean and Peanut Butter are two different situations. Bean has no one. We are it. Her mom could NEVER care for her (knock on wood). 

I think it is funny.. or phunny...  In the foster care system, we have to take classes for EVERYTHING.. but I cannot find one class that would help with loss. We take care of these kids for sometimes YEARS and then they leave. We are just supposed to put our super woman cape of un emotionalness on and move forward.

I suppose I should really get back to work.

PS The house is coming together nicely. Traci and her bff, Sara, worked very hard at putting up the back splash in the kitchen..

moving in 1 days +1.

We had to push the move date back one day.  After a weekend of too much to do between tears, it just isn't going to happen tomorrow.  We are now shooting for Wednesday. 

Let me just say that my parents rocked it this weekend with Bean.  They volunteered to take this 5.5month diva for the whole day on Saturday. They are 74 years old. I didn't give them enough credit and gave them an opportunity to back out. When they dropped her off they were beaming and I think my dad really loved every moment about it. Now they are off to warmer weather, and I desperately want to visit them this year. I think it would be wonderful to be able to take Bean to see some palm trees.

Now she gets to go spend the next two days with Grandma up north.  She is an excellent Grandma.. Traci keeps saying she is a better grandma than mom. After hearing stories from her childhood and seeing her in action with the grand kids.. I am going to think that is probably true.

So, here is to packing the rest of the apartment after work in the next two days.  I am almost out of tears, so I am hoping this will go quickly.

And Here we are.

In 24 hours, we will be moms to one 5 month old girl.

No longer will there be an 11 month old boy in the house that is taking 5 steps at a time on his own... until he gets SO excited he can't stop his legs from doing a little jig, as he falls over and screams in delight. There wont be any spitty open mouth kisses from a brown skin, curly haired nixnoox.

In 24 hours, we will  hand him off. 

I have no idea how Traci and I are going to be able to deal with this.

How does any foster parent deal with it?

He is supposed to stay. He is supposed to be part of this family. He isn't supposed to be raised by anyone else. I don't care if she gave birth to him. She isn't ready... but in the same breath she HAS to be ready. I don't want him to be pushed aside or go hungry.  She HAS to have changed. I won't accept anything else.

My brain flip flops. I know this has to happen. Traci and I have to move on with life, get ready for our wedding, raise this little Bean and get to know our new neighborhood.  I miss my girlfriend. Our apartment is about to fall in on itself from neglect, we have drive by kisses and hugs.. we have been simply surviving while wrapping ourselves in our protective barrier in order to somehow cushion this blow.

There is no cushioning, though. We are losing our son.

All adult-n-shit.

In 3 short hours we have the final walk through of the house. Holy crap.

In 22 hours from now I have the closing the house.  Holy crap.

I suppose I should start packing, eh?

I am sure there are people out there that have grown up knowing that they were going to get married, own a home, have a couple of kids and all that fun stuff. I never was that girl. I figured I would have a kid or two, but knew I never had to give birth. I always thought I would be a renter because I didn't have enough faith in my abilities to buy a home of my own.

Looking back on this past year since Traci has come into my life, dreams have been unearthed and fulfilled. How freaking lucky am I? VERY!

So, Bean's mom is still AWOL. I wonder at what point they just say-- "eh.. yanno.. if she wanted the kiddo she probably would be doing what she needs to do to get her back... or at the very least stick around for more than two weeks at a time."  It is all very eye opening and a little sad. At least PB has a mom that will fight for him... even if she is a little looney bins. Bean's mom doesn't fight. There will be a day that she will ask me. How do I tell her? OH, honey bun... your mom.. well.. she may have loved you. But she REALLY loved getting paid for sex. oh.. did she WANT you? well... no.. she never came back. She just ran away at every chance she could ... with different men... she liked parties. Not the ice cream and cake kind of party.

Yeah. I am going to have to polish up that story.

yah.

He will be with us until October 5th.

The judge decided that October 31st was too long to wait for him to go home. He decided on October 5th because next week she will have trial for another of her children.... and it is going to be really stressful... and he didn't want her to get TOO stressed out with the trial.. having to wake up early... and take buses all with a little one.

I have no words.

I am done.

This is it..or is it?

Traci and I are going through the motions tonight... bath time.. pj time... sleepy time.  I broke down and cried once. Traci wont show me her tears right now, but I know they are there.

This is the last time we do this with Peanut Butter.

Or is it?

I got a call from the CW today. They are going forward with court tomorrow. I don't understand why there is court if this has already all been decided.... and she didn't explain. Tomorrow is the day that he is supposed to go back to his mom.

Because of my phone calls and cage rattling,  NOW the agency is trying to slow down everything. Too little too late? I suppose I am proud of myself for pushing back a bit. I am selfishly frustrated though as tomorrow is the date that we prepared our hearts for. We talked about what we were going to do.. take down his crib, give away his summer clothing etc.  Now.. court is at 9:30am and before noon we MIGHT find out that he is staying  "for a bit longer".  As if "a bit longer" will make his BM "better" after she has been going through this now for 8 years with PB's siblings.....or if he goes home.

I feel like I am in the middle of some crazy dream. As I was drying him off from his bath and putting him in his pjs, I just kept picturing him as an itty bitty when we picked him up from the hospital... and watched him grow to the almost 11 month old kid who is starting to take steps on his own.

We are trying to find faith in all of this and guard our hearts at the same time.

Yes. I CAN be a pain in the ass.

I have reached out to anyone who will listen to me about PB.

I just got a call from the director of the the bureau of child welfare. She was very kind and explained they have no legal standing when it comes to foster kids.

This makes me cringe.

HUH? how can the BUREAU of CHILD *WELFARE* have no legal standing? She explained that the
D.A. makes all the decisions. She has informed her legal team about PB's situation and they are making "recommendations". But apparently they are being told to shove off.

I just sit here shaking my head.

In not so many words she told me to back off....that there is a fine line between being heard and being a nuisance.

Great.

We are lucky that BM wants contact with us. We will take advantage of that as much as we can to make sure PB is okay... and dammit... if we have to support him long distance.. that is what we are going to do. He will not suffer because of some lawyers who took 15 minutes to look at his file... and decide they knew it all...then sign an agreement with BM's attorney that they will not go for a protective custody order. 

This is NOT the last time the bureau will hear from me. I am NOT finished with the GAL and the ADA's. My voice will be heard. These kids deserve so much more!

PB doesn't have a horrible birth mom. At least she will fight for her kids. She loves them. I have to give her credit for that. Beans mom is AWOL again. This is the 4th time that she has ran since Bean has been born. But still... reunification is the goal.

*eyeroll*