1 has to be the new 3.

I swear this girl is on the cusp of being a teenager. Okayfine. She is only one. But MAN I have a feeling we are going to have our hands full with her.

Aren't kids all supposed to be like the kids on Family Ties? All polite and kind and don't have snot running down their faces all the time or throwing herself into a tantrum every time she gets her diaper changed or vomit in the cart at Costco- which we don't realize until everything was on the belt and the cashier put her hand in it? I could tell by her face she thought it was glorious.

Yes. Bean turned 1. We had a nice get together with people coming from near and far. The sun was out in Wisconsin and it was a perfect 70 degree day. Bean dug in that cake like we had been training for it- she rocked it ouuuut!

We have had a couple of court hearings since my last blog entry. I am not even going to go into detail about them as it would simply be details with no outcome. They were pretty much a waste of time. So, we simply move forward day by day loving this little girl as much as possible.

Chapter 23423... we are trying to figure out a way that Traci could go down to part time and we would open our home to more of a fostering situation than foster/adopt.

More on that to come.

I have to punch out and get home to my beautiful family  :)

What the WHAT?

Two days ago I wrote an email to the GAL and CC'd case workers and GAL social workers and licensing workers.... a very innocent "just so that we are all on the same page" email.. and "our 6 month hearing is in SIX DAYS.. get off your asses and come see this child" email...

The next morning I am "very busy working" and open my email... there is one there from the caseworker. It states that the TPR paperwork has been accepted by the DA and our first hearing is on the 29th.

*GASP!*

Through tears, and.. um.. while I am still "very  busy working"... I log onto facebook and message my friend that I met through fostering to ask her what the hell this is all about... and what does it mean?? She calls me immediately exclaiming "THIS IS A GOOD THING!!! YOU CAN BREATHE!!!" I break down in tears.

All I want to do is exhale.

All I want to do is to be done with all of this.

All I want to do is to get to an adoption day with Bean and for her to have our last name.

All I want is to call her my daughter...and know that statement is legal and binding.

I was talking to my mom about our exciting news and she stated "you are going to be a great mom!". I didn't correct her. I wanted to say Mom, I have been a mom for almost 2 years now. Just because my little boy was with me only temporarily, doesn't make me any less of a mom. I wont turn INTO a mom on adoption day. Granted, I may suck at it most days and her clothes sit in laundry baskets far too long- and I don't have one damn piece of homemade art with her hand print on it that morphs into a butterfly with some swoops of a sharpie marker. But I am her mom.. and together with Traci- we make a pretty good team of moms.

I know that this court date on the 29th is the first in a LONG LINE of court dates... and nothing is set in stone and WONT be until we are there on adoption day and get our first picture of Beans "forever family" with the judge. But I am pretty good at holding my breath and knocking on wood and through all of this I have found faith that good things DO happen.

Happenings.

My mom is still in the rehab  hospital because of her fall she had the Monday after our wedding.  I wish I could take away her pain and put it into my body. I could deal with it.. somehow. My parents have always been the ones go-go-going. I would compare them to other parents that were younger than them.. the younger ones so often seemed older. I don't want to see my mom in that hospital bed again. She is working hard with PT and OT (as my sister calls her: The Queen of all Bitches, Nina).
I am going there on Saturday and I am going to help her dig a tunnel out. It may take some effort to get it large enough so that her walker will fit through too..

The Bean had a visit again on Monday. BM made her mashed potatoes. Thrilling. Mom of the Year. Now maybe she should stop posting pictures of her in short skirts with a bare ass hanging out.

Time is going so quickly. Bean will be one year old in a few weeks. We are having a little party. I am starting to freak out about it as what the hell do you do at a party for a one year old? It is kind of turning out to be a party for adults that kids will be present for... but what do the kids do? Do I need to have crafts, activities, games? Who knows if it is going to be warm enough to play outside... I will google it.

I have had so many warm fuzzies this week. I went to coffee with some girlfriends and we sat and laughed and talked for three hours. I was on cloud nine. These women bring me strength and an energy that carries me for days. I also got to see my Nonny. I adore her. We had lunch and walked around their furniture store and laughed with her husband. I needed some time with her. She and I go through these loops of talking.. not talking.. life getting in the way.. not enough time. But we always come back to one another. I love that.

and she is back.

As soon as we think that we can exhale... birth mom comes back. She waves and bam.. visits start.  She has gone on two so far. They are once a week for two hours at a time- of course they are "fully supervised".  The caseworker claimed that both times the "visit went well"... and then goes on to say that birth mom was on the phone the whole time asking family members to come over and see the baby- or talking with her boyfriend about godonlyknowswhat.  So. Yeah. Way to parent-- IN FRONT OF A CASE WORKER AND PARENT AIDE.

All I can do is shake my head and pray to God.

My guess is that she will take off again. She has to. I cannot handle the opposite.

We also got a call for another baby over the last week .. he was a little 4 month old Caucasian peanut. After thinking long and hard about it, we declined placement. The situation just wasn't right for our family and taking on the health concerns may have put me completely over the edge. It was a hard decision to come to but it is for the best.

We started getting some photos back from the wedding... here are a couple... I wish I could go back to that day :)



Engagement

Watching her mama's tying the knot

Listening to the readings

Happily married

Also- my mom is in the hospital. She fell the Monday after the wedding. Prayers her way, please.

I feel like a wife ....

I wasn't really sure what I would feel like after Traci and I were married. I wasn't sure that I would feel ANY different, but I do. I FEEL like her wife.

The night prior to the big event, my sisters and my mom took me to get my nailz'did. I have never had a pedicure before, and at one point I believe I squealed with delight. It felt so nice to be pampered.. especially after the grueling eyebrow threading that morning. Dear lord. WHAT THE HELL IS THAT TORTURE? Google something like.. eyebrow threading hurts like hell... and you will actually find videos.

Anywho.. the mani/pedi were fantastic! After that we went to a little bistro and had a fantastic dinner with too many drinks. It was a perfect way to celebrate right before the wedding.

Rebs came down bright and early Saturday morning and we hit the road running. Packing cars, packing bags, taking care of Cora... Rebs even had to run to my work where I forgot copies of readings and the ceremony! We had rehearsal at 10:30am and then I met my bride at 4pm.

Traci looked wonderful.  Grey pants and vest, purple shirt and paisley bow tie. At one point during the ceremony when I was tearing up, she pulled out an embroidered handkerchief for me to use. WHAT? Holy sweetness.  We had a guitar and a stand up bass at the ceremony. We walked in to Bob Marley's "Is This Love" and walked out to James Taylor's "How Sweet It Is". The musicians did a GREAT job! We had readings done by Rebs from the Book of Ruth and another called The Art of Marriage that was read by our friend Karina. They both did a fantastic job! People said it was the best, most meaningful ceremony they have ever been to.  What a great feeling.

Pictures and then off to the reception.

Oh my lord, the reception looked BEAUTIFUL! My friend Rebs, her sister and her sisters friend did an AMAZING job putting it all together. I would never have been able to do it-- and they rocked it out. Rebecca- I know you are reading this- I have to tell you that the words 'thank you' would never be able to cover how grateful I am for everything you did to make our day special.  The time, talent and love that you put behind everything you did simply took my  breath away. Everything was a work of art! You amaze me. Rebs even had to put out a fire. literally. at a table. Yeah. only at my wedding. LOL

I really didn't get to eat much at all- but I guess that is what happens when you are a  bride, right? But I heard the food was fantastic and the cupcakes were delish! We hired a photo booth and that was a hit! Then- the surprise of the evening- Rebs hired Irish dancers to come in and perform. Holy CRAP!!! IT WAS AWESOME! I never imagined something like that would happen. They did a GREAT job!!!!

We danced the night away and by the time midnight rolled around, I couldn't feel my feet anymore. We had SO MUCH FUN! We headed back to our room, took a dip in the hot tub and promptly fell asleep :).

I plan on posting much more from the wedding- vows, pictures, etc- I want to remember it all!

My wife and I.

Whales

The vacation was fun! There were issues with Bean while we were gone that we simply couldn't have gotten through without the help of family and friends. While we were there we enjoyed Whale watching, an overnight and haunted tour on the Queen Mary, riding bikes on Venice Beach...lots of swimming in their pool and glasses of wine :)

Now just over a week and we have our wedding :)


It was a little chilly on the ocean for the whale watching... But better then the 15 degrees that was happening at home.

wedding - trip - wedding- baby - YIKES!

In two days Traci and I will be landing in sunny southern California. We are the guests of my boss and his wife. We have seven days of events that are planned for us. Oh how I LOVE that I am the guest and they are the planners. We are going to the Queen Mary- staying overnight on the boat, taking a haunted tour, going whale watching, swimming in their pool in the middle of the desert.. going on a safari and feeding animals at the San Diego Zoo... it is going to be a GREAT time..

They are on the brink of a divorce.

I am ignoring that last part and in my head, at least for the 7 days we are there, they are going to be the most in love couple my brain has ever seen.

A mere 17 days later, we get married.

Holy shitballs.

Oh- and right when we get back from vacation, Traci starts training for a new job.

Bean turns 9 months old and in April we are opening our doors one more time.

Traci and I are so excited! After much talking, tears, communication with our licensing worker- we are on board to expand our family. Bean needs a sibling. As much as we thought we were a one kid family (which we will be happy with if it turns out that way) we would love another.

I wish I could put into words how I feel about Traci. I could be all goopy and use sparkly words... but that isn't me. I wish I could send you the FEELING I get about her. Intense love. The desire to experience everything I possibly can with her. I feel like I am living in a fairy tail. Not that it is all strawberry colored glasses- but even the difficult times are easier to deal with because of her.

And with that- I need to stop fake working and actually do something.

Right after I make a list of everything I need to pack.