Our Bean will share our last name as of August 25th. 

Court was quick.  Really really quick. They announced that possible father wasn't the father. Mom's rights already were terminated a month ago and then- they set a date.

While the caseworker and I were in the lobby waiting for our hearing to be announced, she turned to me and said do you think (Bean) will ever go looking for her father?

*blank stare*

I simply said. If she does- she does.

Little does that caseworker know that is something that foster and adoptive parents obsess about even before they meet their littles. 

I can't think about that now, though... we have a party to plan :)

It has been a long time, hasn't it?

I wonder what I could write about? Our adoption of our son, my wife becoming a stay-at-home mom, our life taking yet another turn when we brought a newborn into our family, a job promotion...there is so much. 

It can be mostly summed up into a few words: I love my life.

There are many times when it is crazy, loud, confusing, tearful, frustrating... but the joy always sticks in my memory stronger than any of the ick.  Life can be messy sometimes... that is just a fact.  It is our choice to dwell on the mess or to brush off and choose to look for and be present for the happy. 

Lets skip to this week.  My bride has taken our son and our little Bean up north.  For a whole week.  I am here with the baby. She is sleeping. She is always sleeping. Maybe I should wake her up.

I have decided I am going to clean this house. 

How in the world do other parents do it? Toddlers are just so gross. They are dirty, they stink and I can imagine how much unknown crud they have eaten off the floor.  They are pretty darn lucky they have their funny moments or I would ship them off to Aunties for a majority of their life. Until they turn less sticky.

So far I have cleaned by watching a dvr'd show I had sitting there, ordering some stuff off of Amazon and now writing in my blog that hasn't gotten any attention for many months. 

I say it has been successful :)

Tomorrow we have court for our Bean.  We find out if possible dad number 6 is actually the dad.  I keep thinking... stranger things have happened.  She has been with us over 2 years.  Biomom's rights have been terminated... now we find out about this possible dad.  If he isn't the baby daddy, the we get an adoption date for our sweet girl. 

I am thinking good thoughts.  I am totally going to Oprah this out. Yanno- the Secret.  Think positive, invite positive.  Guess what I am thinking about now? Winning the lotto.

xo

Parking lot (updated)

I'm sitting here in the parking lot of children's court. I'm early. Right now there is a wave of employees walking in and I am surrounded by women sitting in their cars...waiting. There is no differentiating who are birth parents, foster parents or other relatives.

Children's court is a surreal experience. 

There are people gathering in the hallways that are there to celebrate adoptions... Sitting next to parents who are there to fight for their kiddos... Sitting next to parents that are so high or mentally impaired  they don't know how they got there and don't really understand what is happening.

Today is court for Mr. Handsome. His bio mom may or may not show up. I have never met her before. But as I walk in and check in- it won't slip my mind that she loves her son. And while I am there with hopes of adopting him, she is there as his first mom who is struggling with drug and mental health issues that I can't even wrap my head around. 

I brought pictures for her - she needs to see him healthy and happy. I want her to know that he is loved and well taken care of. If I was his first mom, I would need to know those things. 

Ok. Now it's my turn to walk in. Here we go.

Update:

Well, Mom showed. She looked exactly like she does in every one of her facebook photos. I didn't know what to expect. She did look tired. I can imagine she is.

Court went as to be expected. We will be going back at the end of October.

After court I approached Mom.  I introduced myself and she returned my smile. She looked kind.

I handed her the pictures, she gasped and burst into tears. "Is this him?" she asked. "Is this  him? He looks so different!" Yes, I said.. it is him. I explained how old he was in each photo and where they were taken.  

I held it together.

She thanked me a million times.. I told her he is an amazing kid. She smiled through her tears and said.. "he is?" I said yes.. he is...

She asked if he was talking. I explained his personality and that he is LOUD but not talking yet... I told her a bit about him and what he is doing...

She stared at the pictures, standing very close to me.. tears streaming down her face.

I whispered... "Come to court.. show up.. and I will bring you more, okay? Deal?"

She nodded.. thanking me again.

I explained that Mr. Handsome's former foster mom has lots of pictures and we will be getting together so she can give them to me. She explained that when she was having visits, the former foster mom sent a disposable camera-- and they took pictures with Mr. Handsome and Mom.  She asked that I PLEASE get them from Former Foster Mom for Mr. Handsome.. so he has them.. she made sure I would do that. Of course I said I would. 

She thanked me more and I grabbed her and hugged her tight.. I said, "honey- you are so very welcome.. come back.. there will be more".

I had to walk away.

When she asked that-- about the pictures she took.. to make sure I got them for HIM. It was almost as if she was saying... I know I wont see him. But let him know who I am ... that I love him.

That short conversation of two moms was life changing. We love the same baby. We are both his mom. Neither of us love him any less.



Something I read somewhere.. I don't know who said it first... but I agree with it 100%

Children born to another woman call me “Mom.” The magnitude of that tragedy and the depth of that privilege are not lost on me.

 

I'm that mom who is now on prozac.

BEWARE- PITY PARTY AHEAD:

I visited my doctor about a month ago and broke down into tears about where I was... mentally. Feeling really blue, stressed over the foster care system, completely feeling worthless because of my constant struggle with food addictions.

She looked at me sitting there wiping away my snot and tears and suggested a little help from Prozac.

I have thought about asking for help before, but always chickened out. Or, right before I went to the doctor, I would have a REALLY GOOD DAY and think that it was unnecessary. 

There was no decision made right then and there. Actually, she gave me a couple of options and told me to go do some homework on them... which I did.  Prozac it was. A low dose. Let me tell you- that first week it was as if I had more energy than an Olympic athlete and was completely full of joy.  Man, now that I look back on that I can understand the "high" that addicts chase after.  If I could feel like that all the time, I would never go off these meds.

Now it has been about a month.

I still feel pretty good. My anxiety takes on some different forms which I am learning how to deal with.  I have more patience with the kids. I sleep well, I wake up pretty easily. My appetite USUALLY is lower (now that I am a week away from getting my period, it has gone up). Here is the kicker. I have NO sex drive. none. This is a major deal. If this doesn't go away, it may be breakup time with Prozac.  I still feel LOVE for my wife. I still think she is sexy and love holding her and being close.  I don't *feel* anything sexual. Even if I.. yanno.. tried to on my own. Nope. Nothing.

Outside of that- everything still keeps on rolling. Constant inundation by social workers, licensing workers, therapists.  Court tomorrow, court Monday. Traci and I are going through the relicensing process which just means they tear our life apart with a toothpick. AGAIN. This happens every two years. Please let this be the last time we do this. I can't imagine these kids still being in the system for TWO MORE YEARS.

This wares on an adult. Imagine what the kids feel. Mr. Handsome's mom hasn't shown up for anything. Still a raging drug abuser, has new reports against her... hasn't seen him in over 6 months. But we were told yesterday that when we go to court tomorrow that it most likely will just be adjourned and rescheduled for after January of next year.

Beans mom has cancelled most visits, abandoned her for over 3 months, has no job, is not taking care of her mental health-- nothing. We were informed yesterday that at Beans court date on Monday- that the new judge is super soft on parents - especially if they are young - so the TPR might be overturned.

*sigh*

Okay. Now to get back to the positive.

I have an amazing wife who loves me and supports me through all of this. She makes me laugh and think and feel brave when dealing with all of the above mentioned crap.

I have two beautiful amazing children that are hilarious and smart and independent.  Even if they are in our care for a short time- they have changed my life forever.

Friends.. man.. I have them. They rock my world completely.

Yes. When it comes down to it, life is good. Really good. These are speed bumps.

Fail.

There are times when I am completely over two toddlers -- the mess- the screaming-- the constant EVERYTHING and I feel like I am the worst parent in the world. 

Tonight was one of those nights. 

This job is hard. 

A layer of crud from two feet to the floor.

Never in one million years did I ever think I would have 2 one year olds.  I also never realized how much sticky messy crud can accumulate on everything from the floor up two feet.

Mr. Handsome (the name suits him perfectly) joined us over a month ago. He is sunshine in the form of a one year old curly haired Puerto Rican nugget of joy. Bean wasn't sure of what to make of him for the first few weeks. We battled with her constantly wanting to sit on him.. roll over him.. or just push him over. Yes, the first time she steamrolled him it was mildly entertaining.. the 19th.. not so much.

My beautiful wife and I have had our struggles parenting two babies. This is no easy task and I commend those who have done it and are doing it. Finding even 5 minutes of time that is JUST her and I has been a challenge.  I miss our time together. I know that things will never get back to "pre kiddo" but I do know that my love and desire for a life with her has not and will not change. I can appreciate the pre-kid stuff.. I love the during kid stuff.. and I look forward to when the kids are older and we can have conversations with them without hand gestures or sung words.

She is my person. I choose her.

This journey through foster care has tested us and taken us to our limits-- and then five minutes later-- we have experienced the most amazing high from our kids.

surviving a one year old.

Traci and I took Bean to the great up nort' this past weekend. Traci's friend, Sara, was kind enough to open her family "cottage" on one of 3124 lakes in northern Wisconsin. It was absolutely beautiful. They all were SO FREAKING NICE. That kind of nice that you just want to drink in -- in hopes that you will some how soak in some of it yourself. I am always trying to remember to be nicer to people. That is another story, though.

One thing I learned over this weekend: vacationing with a one year old really isn't a vacation. It is pretty much you walking behind the one year old making sure she doesn't stick her hand in a fire, eat a bug, fall off the cement stairs or go running down the dock full speed (happened. Wasn't cute with this fat mama chasing after her. Who knew 1 year olds could run cheetah speed?).

For Traci this location is very important. She spent many hours here with her bestie as they were growing up. You should see the joy in her eyes as we prepared to go, driving there and finally as we were able to drive up. She freely spoke about her memories and shared funny stories along with the rest of the group. It really was great.

Bean is amazing. She is a funny independent soul.  She has the attention span of a gnat. She loves to blow kisses, wave hi and bye and give hi-fives. She can shake her groove thang clap along to any song.

She blows my mind and I am completely in love with our daughter.

And on the 19th she will be getting a brother :)