It is going to take more than just the surgery.

I am quickly realizing that I have real issues with food.  I mean. Yeah. DUH I HAVE ISSUES WITH FOOD. I wouldn't have gotten this massive if I didn't.

I'm talking about when I am with my children and they are driving me looney bins and I reach into their stash of candy for m&m's just to help me cool off.  The other night, Traci and I were sitting on the couch chit chatting and I ate almost .. okay.. pretty much ALL of a bag of cheese puffs.  I didn't even realize it until it was a done deal.

People don't do what I do and stay thin-ish.  I don't want to fail.  I want this to be the end all be all-- for my kids to never remember their big fat mom. I don't want to screw up and look back on a failed situation.

It.just.can't.happen.

Word is spreading

 

I have joined a bunch of Weight Loss Surgery groups on Facebook.  To see everyone's transformations are so encouraging.

 

I have decided on my "pre" photo.

 

It is going to be me puffing up as much as possible. Looking the fattest I can possibly look.  Something like this:

 

 

 

 

Wearing a tube top and spandex. Looking horrific. Side ponytail- maybe a fanny pack.  Knee high sports socks. 

 

 

My thinking is that every picture I have after that is going to look FAR better than that one.  Everyone is going to be like.. "HOLY CRAP! WHAT AN AMAZING TRANSFORMATION!"

 

And little by little the tube top will get too big, the tube socks will start slouching, the fanny pack would need to be slung over my shoulder. 

 

It's going to be epic.

 

I have a couple of more appointments this coming week.  Dietician and Psych evaluation.  ONE psych evaluation.  I am thinking.. it took 40 years of issues with food. I am going to need some psych help after the surgery too. 

 

More things of things I look forward to:

 

Kayaking

Putting on tights like a human

 

 

There will be more things.. I am 100% sure of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 



Time for a change.. a big fat change.

I have always wanted to run.  I see people running, and I want to do it.  I see people biking and I want to do it.

I am now at a time in my life where I realize I just can't do these things anymore.  I WANT to be active, but I am too big to be active.  I want to lose weight, but in order to do that, I have to be active. It is a mad cycle.  There must be something that can help.

There has, for many years, been the idea of having weight loss surgery.  I personally never knew anyone that had it, and kind of thought it was for quitters.

Then my friend had Gastric Bypass.

And she is as far from being a quitter.

She needed HELP.  She needed a jump start.  It wasn't EASY  out.  Far from it.  What it did do was allow her to BE more active and to have the confidence she needed. To be healthier and to live longer to see her beautiful children grow up. 

We recently had a change in insurance at work.  I quickly realized that THIS was my chance.  I never had insurance in previous jobs that allowed this surgery.  The day after I got my insurance card in the mail, I was on the horn.  It was covered.

I have now had my initial class and surgeon consultation.  This week I will check in with the dietitian and another check in at the end of the month.  My psychiatrist appointment is also at the end of the month.  I believe within 3 months I will have all my needed appointments under my belt. 

This is scary and exciting.  There are so many rules to follow.  I need to always remember WHY I am doing this:

 

I WANT TO BE THE BEST I CAN BE.

WIFE

MOM

FRIEND

SISTER

DAUGHTER

 

 

Of course I know that while weight is not what makes ME, me.. I also know that weight is a huge part of my self image... my... what is the right word... my self WORTH.  I miss the old me. The more confident me.  I want her back.  I believe this will help.

 

Things I look forward to after the surgery:

 

Crossing my legs

Playing with my kids without almost immediate fatigue

Wearing cute clothes that are drapes

Riding my bike

Going places wondering if I am going to be the biggest person there

Getting rid of at least 3 of my chins

Learning how to eat correctly and teach it to my family

 

So- onward with a new adventure. 

 

I have such excitement to see where this adventure will take me and my family.

 

 



Grown up kid puke

Today was the first day that we had a child old enough to puke real, big kid, food  half digested puke. 

I had just dropped of Eme at her daycare and was on the way to drop off Dario and Cora at their daycare.  I was at the stoplight thinking about what I was going to have to deal with at work.  New trainees, a pile of "to do", putting the kabash on office drama and having a Come to Jesus talk with one of my CSR's. 

Then I heard this gushing noise from the backseat.  I turned my head to find vomit shooting out of my sweet Cora's face.

I didn't scream.

Immediately rolled down my window, pulled into a parking lot and freaked out via text to Traci.  I didn't want Cora to hear me freaking out about the pile of chunks all over her lap and the chair. 

OKAY HONEY!! YOU ARE OKAY!!! *in an overly happy tone that did not correlate at all with the event* *rolling down the rest of the windows* RELAX, DONT TOUCH IT, MAMA IS GONNA MAKE IT BETTER.

I started to cold sweat.

It didn't get on Dario. 

He was going to school. 

I was traumatized and I needed a hose.

They is just going to have to understand that wherever we go they are going to have to travel with buckets on their laps.

blech.

All the things

Big things happen after two people get hitched.. legally.


We are on the job hunt, painting walls and going to move up 'nort.  It was solidified after I watched my wife chopping wood with her newly purchased AXE for her fire pit.  We live in the middle of a city.

She was in 7th heaven.  I thought to myself... there is no going back now.


Update: Toddlers still suck.

              Then 32 seconds later they are hilarious

              We are at an age where there is more suckage then hilarity. 

I am typing with one eye open. So tired.

Day job

Starting off the day with one of my employees staring at me blankly while I tell her -- either get it together, or you wont have a job here any longer. 

She has an opportunity here. I can't make her realize that. If she doesn't see it, that is her fault.

I need to figure out how to motivate my team.  Maybe there are some online trainings I can take. I would think that a huge amount of bonuses would be motivation enough.

Instead, I have to hold hands.

On an up note, today is the one year anniversary of Dario's adoption day.  Traci and I are going to take him out to dinner tonight- and try to find something fun to do.  I think that he will just be thrilled to be spending time with his two moms.

And then the phone rang.

Cora's birth mom is about to have her baby. 

A boy. 

They asked if we could take placement.  

It is very difficult to discribe the feelings that race through your body when you get a placement call. 

It is even harder to discribe what it feels like when you have to say No.