Did I say a 30 day notice?

In my last post I ended it by saying that the Ward house thrives on change. Hell yes, we do.  New twist:  I have an interview for a part time job in Appleton in a few weeks.  No matter what, we are putting the house up for sale and heading north.  Twist(x2): I have to keep this job in order to get through the closing (once it is sold, of course) THEN I will be putting in my notice. 

I get all dreamy and butterfly stomach-y just thinking about it... thinking about a day without blatant sexism, doing the work of 3 other positions on top of my own, not having to miss out on my children's day-to-day, creating a clean and inviting home for my wife and friends...the list is really endless.

I need to find out what saint you bury upside down in your yard to get your house to sell. 

As for the weight loss.. I am down 70lbs.  I kind of am seeing it in my face.  I had some really horrid pictures taken of me in the last several days, so I am right back to baggy clothes and avoiding mirrors. 

We have one go'round

Well. Surgery done. 3 months under my belt and 66lbs gone daddy gone.  I still can't see it. It is a mind fuck if there ever was one. I did cross my legs twice, but I am afraid to try again. I also had to get new pants... as I looked redonk in my oversized circus tents.  But when I look at my body in a *HORROR* full length mirror.. I see no difference. 

I am absolutely not a star student. I have had slip ups and have made some really poor decisions food wise, but I can honestly say that the good food decisions far surpass the crappy ones. 

I will be getting  on a plane at the end of this month to go to Austin. I am so freaking out about it.  Fat peoples worst nightmares always have plane seats in them. Squeezed in, touching the arm of a stranger or trying  your best to smoosh up to the window.  I just really want to be able to buckle the seatbelt.  Here is to hoping! Then there is the thing about giving up alcohol for a year.  I am not quite sure how I am going to survive 5 days with the owners of the company and the general manager.  I'm bringing my yoga dvd's - and hoping for the best. Though, really- I am 100% sure that yoga is not going to taste better than a So.Co Old Fashioned Sweet.

Tim, my older brother, is going to have a heart bypass this coming week. I am not in a place I can really write about it. I am bitter and frustrated and scared to death.  I learned about that right before Traci landed in the hospital with Pancreatitis.  I can't write about that, either.. I am so scared to lose them both. 

Meanwhile. I am giving my 30 day notice in 30 days.  It is time.  I had an epiphany that I actually want to try raising my kids that we fought so hard to adopt.  Cora, on a regular basis, is using the phrase "Bye Felicia".  The things that come out of Dario's mouth are simply shocking.  We are having date night tomorrow night to figure it all out.

There are a lot of changes happening in the Ward house.  There always is, though.  We thrive on change, I think. 

Save the Date

I finally got the call about my surgery date.

November 5th.

They will be calling me the night before with the time I need to be at the hospital.  Odds are I will be getting ZERO sleep that night.

I finally "came out" of the Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) closet at work.  I was not telling anyone at work because I felt like it was none of their business.  Though, when I really sat down and thought about it- it wasn't because it wasn't any of their damn business (which- really- well- it isn't) but I feel so ashamed about my weight.  It has been something I just avoid talking about. I avoid THINKING about. I avoid LOOKING at.  Then I thought- oh for fuck's sake... this is a GOOD thing.  I am taking control of my health for ME. I do nothing for myself. This is going to be my big thing.

They took it well.  I actually made up a  big story about how I was having a sex change operation and that I would like to be called Derek after I came back to work. They just kind of looked at me for a moment and then the owner of the company says "oh fuck you- you are not".  Laughing ensued.  They know I would never want to be a dude. I don't know anything about dudes.

Between now and the big day I will be busy with typical toddler ridiculousness which includes trying to potty train two three year olds at once (yay me), more doctors appointments and major house cleaning as I am sure there will be people coming over to corral the kids for us so Traci can take care of me.

I am so ready for this. SO STINKING READY.  At night I have been having dreams of being able to cross my legs, running a 5K and wearing yoga pants while actually doing yoga.  Mind boggling.

So, let the count down begin.. 21 more days.

I'm trying not to have a poogency every time I think about it.

Peace out.

Transitions

I have one friend who had gastric bypass.  She and her husband are now getting a divorce. 

There are those that say that rate of divorce increases dramatically after WLS.  I honestly think those relationships had many issues prior to the surgery.  I cannot imagine not having my wife by my side through all of this. I want to look good for HER too. 

This week has been a challenge.  I have overeaten quite a bit.  Each time I have something I go through this process that is kind of... saying goodbye.  Breaking up with food is going to be tough. It is always there for me. A friend, comfort, a get away. 

This surgery I am having is going to be a TOOL.  A tool that I can't simply just use when I want.  It is a forever change. FORRREEVVEERRR.  It isn't a guarantee.  It isn't going to be an easy fix. 

Even with all that in mind- I am ready.  READY!

I have my last nutritionist appointment on Wednesday.  Hopefully then we go forward with submitting to insurance!

It is going to take more than just the surgery.

I am quickly realizing that I have real issues with food.  I mean. Yeah. DUH I HAVE ISSUES WITH FOOD. I wouldn't have gotten this massive if I didn't.

I'm talking about when I am with my children and they are driving me looney bins and I reach into their stash of candy for m&m's just to help me cool off.  The other night, Traci and I were sitting on the couch chit chatting and I ate almost .. okay.. pretty much ALL of a bag of cheese puffs.  I didn't even realize it until it was a done deal.

People don't do what I do and stay thin-ish.  I don't want to fail.  I want this to be the end all be all-- for my kids to never remember their big fat mom. I don't want to screw up and look back on a failed situation.

It.just.can't.happen.

Word is spreading

 

I have joined a bunch of Weight Loss Surgery groups on Facebook.  To see everyone's transformations are so encouraging.

 

I have decided on my "pre" photo.

 

It is going to be me puffing up as much as possible. Looking the fattest I can possibly look.  Something like this:

 

 

 

 

Wearing a tube top and spandex. Looking horrific. Side ponytail- maybe a fanny pack.  Knee high sports socks. 

 

 

My thinking is that every picture I have after that is going to look FAR better than that one.  Everyone is going to be like.. "HOLY CRAP! WHAT AN AMAZING TRANSFORMATION!"

 

And little by little the tube top will get too big, the tube socks will start slouching, the fanny pack would need to be slung over my shoulder. 

 

It's going to be epic.

 

I have a couple of more appointments this coming week.  Dietician and Psych evaluation.  ONE psych evaluation.  I am thinking.. it took 40 years of issues with food. I am going to need some psych help after the surgery too. 

 

More things of things I look forward to:

 

Kayaking

Putting on tights like a human

 

 

There will be more things.. I am 100% sure of it.

 

 

 

 

 

 



Time for a change.. a big fat change.

I have always wanted to run.  I see people running, and I want to do it.  I see people biking and I want to do it.

I am now at a time in my life where I realize I just can't do these things anymore.  I WANT to be active, but I am too big to be active.  I want to lose weight, but in order to do that, I have to be active. It is a mad cycle.  There must be something that can help.

There has, for many years, been the idea of having weight loss surgery.  I personally never knew anyone that had it, and kind of thought it was for quitters.

Then my friend had Gastric Bypass.

And she is as far from being a quitter.

She needed HELP.  She needed a jump start.  It wasn't EASY  out.  Far from it.  What it did do was allow her to BE more active and to have the confidence she needed. To be healthier and to live longer to see her beautiful children grow up. 

We recently had a change in insurance at work.  I quickly realized that THIS was my chance.  I never had insurance in previous jobs that allowed this surgery.  The day after I got my insurance card in the mail, I was on the horn.  It was covered.

I have now had my initial class and surgeon consultation.  This week I will check in with the dietitian and another check in at the end of the month.  My psychiatrist appointment is also at the end of the month.  I believe within 3 months I will have all my needed appointments under my belt. 

This is scary and exciting.  There are so many rules to follow.  I need to always remember WHY I am doing this:

 

I WANT TO BE THE BEST I CAN BE.

WIFE

MOM

FRIEND

SISTER

DAUGHTER

 

 

Of course I know that while weight is not what makes ME, me.. I also know that weight is a huge part of my self image... my... what is the right word... my self WORTH.  I miss the old me. The more confident me.  I want her back.  I believe this will help.

 

Things I look forward to after the surgery:

 

Crossing my legs

Playing with my kids without almost immediate fatigue

Wearing cute clothes that are drapes

Riding my bike

Going places wondering if I am going to be the biggest person there

Getting rid of at least 3 of my chins

Learning how to eat correctly and teach it to my family

 

So- onward with a new adventure. 

 

I have such excitement to see where this adventure will take me and my family.