Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Diet. That one that started weeks ago? The one I have to restart.

I bought diet shake mix. It will work. I know it will. I did it for one week, and I felt FANTASTIC. Since then, life has happened.. I haven't gone to the grocery store. And I need a hand held shaky thing that I manually shake for lunches. As in this office - a blender cannot be found.

What made me sad:

The second box of it was delivered yesterday.

Do you know how far behind that makes me and my fat ass? FAR. I should have the 1st box gone. Uh. not quite.

I foresee a trip to Target this weekend to find that shaky hand held cup whatcha ma-callit.


I am madly in love with my girl. It goes beyond everything that I could possibly write in this blog. Big words are not common coming out of my mouth. For instance, I was going to say.. big words aren't my forte, but then I had to look up forte... so see.. it just isn't natural.

Anyways.. even if I could write down all of those big words describing how happy I am in my life right now.. they wouldn't do it justice.

Even with all of the foster care bitching .. I feel so lucky that I even have the opportunity to bitch about it. As, if I were still living my previous life, I don't know if it would have come to be.
Traci and I TALK. We visit churches, we both want a family, we love traditions, we know that life can be completely NUTS.. but we sit down together every night and have dinner together. Even if it is take out. At night we fall asleep in our snuggly double bed, holding hands. smooshed up against one another.

I believe in love again. I believe in mutual respect.

My previous life was nothing to complain about, but it lacked so much. Nothing that was expensive or hard to find or rare. It lacked the simple... the everyday passion. The passion that can even be found by shoving mail and notes and crap out of the way to sit down at the dining room table and talk about our day.

I have the love that I have always wanted. The love that I would see other people share and wish that, in my previous life.. I could just at least get a sample of. Now here I am. Living my dream. God is good. His plan may not always be the easiest to see.. but that is what faith is, right? Knowing we are going through the puddles of mud in order to get to the sunny shores.

Ah yes. I am a lucky girl. I am proud to be one.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

As much as I don't want to share this information....

Man.. Kids really DO take a lot of time... of course in a wonderful way. Even not so wonderful ways.. but I wont complain about those, because I am blessed with this little nugget of joy that is giggling in his crib right before he falls asleep... ON HIS OWN.


The trial. BM was given 90 days. 90 days to accomplish a list of things that if you or I were given them... we would have them done in about 7 days.

Apparently this list in BM's world means that, if accomplished, she has the right to get PB back.


You read that correctly. She gets him back.

A list with things like... "work well with case workers" on it.

WTF?!?!?! How does THAT prove she will be a stable mother?  Be nice. Smile. Comb your hair. If you do those things. BOOM. You have proven you are a fit mom and can raise your children.

Traci and I are really struggling with this information.  There are things that are getting me through this. I have probably mentioned them a million times here, but I will again. BM could be a really HORRIFIC person, and honestly- she isn't. She has some mental issues... that if she would just DO something about, could probably be overcome. She isn't a crack whore. She isn't abusive. She isn't a LOT of things. So, if a kiddo had to go back to a mom... I have to be make it okay in my brain that BM isn't a whole lot of things that are far worse than what she is.

On the bright side... apparently this list is very similar to the one that she has had since PB was detained. She hasn't done it in 5 months. Will she do it in 90 days? I don't know.

I got word today that she is going for VISITS with the two older kids... that have been in foster care for 6 years.. and haven't seen her in 2 years. Yes. Some asswipe of a judge ordered visits. These poor kids. HOW is that best for them? They need stability. They need a forever family.

My head spins when I think of it. I went into the urgent care last night and was diagnosed with bronchitis. Today I was supposed to be sleeping all day. Instead I dealt with caseworkers ALL DAY.
Not cool.. I knew that "the system" was fucked.. but MAN it is effed BAD.

Traci and I have talked it over. We want to adopt. That is our goal. I have never had as much stress as I have had while dealing with "the system'. So- we are going to get another bed, get some information on some older kiddos... probably under older I mean that they REALLY don't have to be newborns. So.. onward we go with that.

I found a foster parent support group. It was nice to get out with Traci and get some information and fellowship EXACTLY when we needed it. Everyone has a story and on the scale of stories.. ours is far from a horror story.  I need to be very careful about who I vent to. There is always someone living a more difficult situation than I am.

In other news. Traci is my freakin' super hero. I have been SICK AS HELL and she has taken care of me, the house and PB. She hasn't complained once... I love her. I can't wait to get married and show her off as my wife :)

Okay. Now I am going to scour craigslist for a convertible crib/toddler bed.... and move forward knowing I cannot change the situation with PB I can only have faith that I have given him everything I could have.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

feeling a bit out of it.

I have been working a home and garden expo for the last week and a half, and, as has been happening constantly over the last 5 months.. I have picked up something.  My throat is on fire, I have blown brain matter out of my sinuses... I am a hot mess.

Yesterday the "you had no right to take my babies" trial started for BM.

I think. I am waiting patiently to hear what is happening from our NEW ROCKING CASE WORKER. And I am NOT kidding you. So far she is clearly the MVP.

I have to take another swig of this magic codeine. I love it better than Riesling.