Thursday, October 27, 2011


I can honestly say I believe my birthday RAOK was a big success! Friday night I stayed up making my famous chocolate chip cookies. Damn... these are GOOD cookies. The batch makes a ton of them.. and I got the recipe off of go there and search for "famous chocolate chip cookies". Try not to hear your ass get fatter when you read there are two cups of butter, 4 eggs and a crap ton of sugar and flower. Special ingredient... pudding. Man. You wont regret trying them!!!! I also made cards to go along with all of the "stuff" so, the recipients will know that what they stumbled upon was a random act of kindness.. and maybe they would pass it forward.

So, we delivered cookies, we put cute little cards on dressing room windows with coupons attached, cards and lottery tickets on cars in the children's hospital parking lot, cards and quarters on carts at Aldi and on vending machines and at laundromats held doors, allowed people to cross in traffic, handed out coupons at Bed Bath and Beyond.. and other little things like that!

I LOVED every moment of it. Of course, a lot of those things, we can't see the reactions of people.. but I can say that I do have great memories that are going to stick around for a long time. One of the best was simply being able to spend the day with Nonny. I missed her so much, and I think we both needed a day to just forget about life for a bit, talk, and have fun!!!

Here are a couple pictures from the day. I am always the picture taker, so you get to see the corner of my forehead, and my  beautiful friend!

My sister was making fun of my eyebrows. I guess, now that I see that picture of my forehead, I really need to get them taken care of. LOL. YIKES!

In other news.. I have put the drama with Mic behind me. Moving forward, only.

Also, I got a call for a foster baby last night on my way home from work. SUPER sad story. She is 11 months with many siblings. I was so excited, came home, got all my baby stuff out, prepared, paced, prayed and texted. Then.. 3 hours after getting the call.. I got a second one. A family member stepped forward and took her only. The other siblings went to other foster homes. My  heart broke immediately. These kids have been in and out of care for 11 years. Now someone steps up? Just for the baby?!?!  Those POOR KIDS. I cried quite a bit for them.. and prayed some more.

Now, tonight, I go home and de-baby my apartment.

I guess that is part of being a foster parent. Be ready for anything. I am sure that isn't the last time that will happen.

So, it has only been, what 2 weeks since I got re-licenced, and a first call is under my belt.

Friday, October 21, 2011

And then it ended....again.

Does a lesbian break up usually take almost 4 months? Good God.

She finally responded to my email (from yesterday) with this:

As far as Cosmo goes, you can pick him up here.  If anyone is here, you can grab him from the yard.  Our current situation is due to your choice and your decisions.  I am not going to make special arrangements because I have chosen to move on.  I shouldn't have to.

Please send me the PDF file with your information filed out and I will get the annulment done.

You hurt me deeper than I thought would ever be possible.  Conversation regarding Cosmo is all I can offer.  I have made that clear all along.

You wanted more.  I can't do that and have told you that.

No emails at work please.  Use my yahoo address.


(I like the part about not emailing her at work. I have ALWAYS emailed her at work. I guess it is different when her not supposed to be girlfriend works for her)
This was my response:
I'm not comfortable with that. 

That is all I can offer. 

And hers:
That is a shame.  I will make other arrangements for his daycare and weekends then.And my final response... to which I have heard nothing. And wont. I am sure of that:
There is a lot that is a shame in this situation. 

I can acknowledge my part in it.
It was hitting me like a ton of bricks lastnight. I honestly was spinning. I love my dog... but I am not going to be put into a situation that I am uncomfortable with. I am done over compensating. I realized how cold and emotional-less she is.
A chapter closed. Moving on to bigger and better!
Over the last 48 hours, my positive energy has gone away. I need to find it again, stat.

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Just say thank you....

Today is a new day.

I emailed Mic this morning asking when the health insurance is done, when our cell phone plan is done and if she set me up last night.

She responded with a general "nothing was set up".

I responded with this:

well, she seems like a lovely young lady! I hope it is worth dating someone that works for you-- that could go very wrong, Mic. In a heartbeat. But you are a smart woman.  Like I said in my text last night that you didn't answer-- I would rather not walk into that again. I would never have done that to you. Just like I have never said anything bad about you... but that doesn't go both ways, either.
I am going to guess she stays there often or is living there-- none of my business either way. Not like you would share that information. If she is going to be there on Wednesdays- I will pick him up another night.
Better yet, we could  meet somewhere and swap him. I will return your keys.
I get that I hurt you. I have apologized and have done what I could do to create a friendship between us. I now know that is something I was forcing. You should have told me that yourself.
She, of course, has not sent a response. I don't expect her to. That is fine.
Today is a new day. I am thanking the universe for allowing this to happen. That this gives me permission to close the door a little more.. and soon completely. It give me permission to move forward.
I have huge blessings in my life. I am a lucky woman. I am kind and loving and willing to do what I can for others... with much more room to improve.

Isn't that some shit..

I walked in to the house... Let myself in just as I do every Wednesday. There on the counter was a rose and a card. I read the front of the card proclaiming the kind of love that was never expected but was true none the less. This card was from her new girlfriend. She must have forgotten to mention her when I would ask, "what's new?" and she would respond... "just working a lot".

Mic came in a few moments later. I goofed with her about her dating.. She seemed proud of herself. I asked who she first she wouldn't say. I said...oh don't have to! I don't need to know. She followed that up with don't know her. We work together. Mic works for a big corporation. She could get fired for this. She says that work doesn't know. It has only been two weeks.

I'm absolutely fine with this information....and in my head wondering what this woman is like. As I am looking at Mic I am remembering the start of our relationship. Practically all business just like it ended. I wonder if it is like that with the new girl.

She brings over 2 photos of her and says this is her... And this is her son.




I smile and say that she looks nice! That I am happy for them!

Mic is stalling now. I didn't realize it then, but now I understand what was happening. The paperwork wasn't right. She had to restart the computer twice...

I sit at the kitchen table. Waiting. Then a car pulls up, someone gets out, and a young woman walks right in.

I look at her pierced face, smile and introduce myself. She mumbles...I'm Nicole. I immediately notice the lack of eye contact and uncomfortableness. And how young she is.

I quickly gather up my things and tell mic that I can get this paperwork another day. That I will leave them alone, and told Nicole that it was a pleasure to meet her. She didn't know how to respond.

At first I brush it all off. Then I realize what just happened. I was set up. That was all done on purpose. I was put into an uncomfortable situation just like it was planned by mic. I text mic, "I am happy for you that you are dating and have found new love. I don't appreciate being put into an awkward situation and would ask that you let me know if she is going to be there when I pick up Cosmo.

Never a response.

That's how she rolls. I should have known that was going to happen.

I then text a friend...N... And ask N why didn't she tell me that mic was dating.. And she responds that she just found out on Saturday and mic asked her not to say anything. I respect that.

I vent. I had to.

She listens. She has to. She owes me from all the listening that I have done for her.

She proceeds to tell me that this girl is 14 years younger. Her son is 7. He doesn't live with her. Both of her parents are dead. She lives in mukwonago and that she is moving closer if not in with mic.

Two weeks my ass.

I voiced my frustration some more. N tells me that she needs to say something. That I am not going to like it- but I need to know. She says that I (meaning ME) have not said anything mean or negative about mic...and that at the bonfire at mics house (where N met Nicole) mic proclaims to the rest of the people there that I am a selfish bitch.


She told her friends that at a Bon fire- I can't imagine what else she has said.

She then proceeds to tell everyone that Nicole is teaching her all about handcuffs and whips and that she is becoming a new woman.

Apparently the woman who would barely kiss me goodnight and only hold my hand in a certain manor... And wear a full outfit to bed... And not allow me to even touch her breasts or see her naked...well, she is becoming a new woman.

6 years of following her rules. 6 years of trying to fit into a mold that simply wasn't me.

6 years and she cannot respond to a text message even pretending she is sorry for making me feel uncomfortable.

6 years...
And I am the selfish bitch.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I get it.

I understand that I am the one who left, and that it is ME who is overcompensating when it comes to being "okay" with one another. I still don't regret my decision. I keep thinking that there is something wrong with me that I don't. We had a nice house and yard and great furniture and we worked well together. But that isn't what I needed.

In this overcompensation- I text her all the time... or email.. or whatever.. just to see if she is okay. Just to make small talk. She has never started a conversation, so, honestly.. I don't know why I kept it up. I stopped. She asked why I haven't spoken to her. I told her that I thought I would back off as I didn't want to be THAT ex. She told me that she would inform me if I needed to tone it down. I started again, with a little less fervor. I would text or email every once and awhile. Again, last night she asked ... why are you not saying much?

This time I responded "I am following your lead" she replied, "If you recall, I have never been a talker".

No. She hasn't.

She wants to meet me tonight to sign our "divorce" papers... well, domestic partnership. This doesn't upset me, but in the same breath it makes me sad. 6 years. 6 years that weren't horrible. 6 years of fine.

I want my next 6 years to be colorful. Twisty and turny and lovie. Full of shmoosh and belly laughs. I want to go if I want to go. I want to see the documentaries and have in depth conversations about them. I want to hold my soon to be foster babies close and not tuck them in on a whole different floor. I want to hug a lot and have friends drop in whenever they want. I want to have coffee made for visitors and deep conversations under blankets.

I don't want to worry if it is too late, too loud, too silly or too unconventional.

The crazy part? I KNOW that the next 6 years will be exactly what I want. As I wont settle for less.

Tonight may be a little uncomfortable. But tonight has to happen in order for me to move forward.

Tuesday, October 18, 2011

Annd... here we go!

Today my license was re-instated. I will never enter a relationship and then go through a break up again as a foster parent. What a pain in the arse. Sheesh! It will all be worth it though, eh?

What a different mindset I have this time. I am calm and relaxed. I have everything ready as it can be... and it is just simply my responsibility to wait for the call. Until then, I enjoy life.

So much going on around me! A friend is planning a wedding and is in the midst of her TWW right.this.very.moment. There is lots going on at work, too. Not to mention getting ready for my Random Acts of Kindness day!

Smooshy update: man, she is .. whew!!! More dates have been gone on, lots of talking and hand holding. I realized.. how blessed I am because she simply fell into my life once again. I wish I could write out my life and her life in timeline form and have red strings that connect our lives to one another. It would look like a spider web.

Something beautiful is happening here... and I am thrilled to just allow it to happen and I will enjoy every moment as a child may enter at any time!


Thursday, October 13, 2011

Are you FREAKING HAPPY NOW?!?!??!?!

Why yes, I am.

I was driving around fake working yesterday, and I thought to myself ... my god, I am in love with my life. I may live in a crappy little apartment, and I owe too much on my credit cards. I may have an empty baby's room and a shower that sucks... but my god, I am happy.

Does it help that I have this amazing woman that is chasing me like a teenager in heat? Perhaps.. but that isn't all of it. I feel lighter, less spin-y, less clumsy and awkward. I feel like I am returning to who CIW was/is.

Does it help that this woman brings out that long lost CIW? I think so.

Okay- on to a more serious topic.

My birthday.

My old friend Nonny is coming into town for a few hours that day and we were going to go shopping and take a walk and explore a bit. I have found something different to do. On Pinterest (my addiction) I found a link to a woman who celebrated her 38th birthday by doing 38 random acts of kindness. I am totally copying it.. and Nonny is going to help me. I am SO EXCITED to do this, I can't STAND it (she is too!!!!). Here is the link to the blog.. And if you are anything like me.. get a hankie.

I will, of course, update here with how it went. I have started a list, and have 19 things planned. I hope to think of more and of course, have really random things happen the day of !!!!

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

This Week.

I was just having a typical two person conversation in my one person head... deciding weather or not I should call Case Worker 3 (CWIII) and find out how everything is going with my new home visit and where we are in the process.

As I was going back and forth between emailing and bugging vs. being trusting and patient... she emailed me to let me know that everything should be in place this week.


It's all good in the hood 'yo.


Monday, October 10, 2011


Date Watch 2011: The Update.

Doors were opened for me. Hand on the small of my back, guiding me through the crowds. Nice dinner, nice walk, nice drag show..  nice kiss.


I almost forgot how nice it was to get a little dressed up and straighten my hair, wear contacts and make up ... to look, feel and smell a little femme-y!

The best part: she told me how much she liked my hair, and smell, and how nice I looked.


(I don't think I have used the word "nice" so much.. EVER)

Saturday, October 8, 2011


A conversation that just happened...

Friend: wanna go out for a hamburger tonight?

Me: sorry, can't ... I have plans.

Friend: date?

Me: lol

(inside my head: why yes.. I do.)

Life is too short to worry about if "enough time has passed". If a hot butch wants to take me out... Who am I to argue?

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

Thursday, October 6, 2011


Fall has landed here in Wisconsin. My favorite time.. the only thing that ruins it, is that it is followed by effing snow. Then Cranky Casey appears. This year, maybe it will be different. Actually, I have a feeling it will.

Everything in my life seems to be lining up just wonderfully. The best part.. I am NOT waiting for the shoe to drop. This is life. Life is good. Does that mean I am out of debt, and have a smokin' place, and I am in the best health of my life? No. Does it mean that I am happy? Yes. The people surrounding me are super positive. They are smiley,happy, funny and roll with the punches.

It is amazing to me how much frame of mind changes things.

Check it...the owner of the company is taking the company to Las Vegas in January. WHAT THE WHAT? Yup. Full expense paid trip. Flight/hotel/extra money/food/shows/drinks.. drinks.. drinks. This guy knows how to have a good time. Check THIS: I am in charge of making all the plans. Downer:  I HAVE NEVER BEEN TO VEGAS. I am like a deer in the headlights. Have you googled ANYTHING about Vegas in the last 30 years? There is a shit ton of stuff to do... all claiming to be the fun-est. Is that a word? The most FUN. Whatever.

I need guidance. I need to have someone tell me fantastic things to do, and let me pass them off as my own ideas.

Ready.... GO!


Saturday, October 1, 2011

Saturday morning

What a beautiful crisp Saturday morning. I am spending my morning cleaning and organizing. This is the first weekend morning that I have had nothing going on since I moved.

I am going to soak up and love every single moment.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone