Wednesday, October 24, 2012

trying to move forward

I read on the blog of a woman who has adopted ELEVEN children (holy crap) about a story on how she was going to the court date of her dear friends who were adopting out of the US foster care system.  She said.. "and for anyone who has been part of foster care you know that it is not for the faint of heart....It is a marathon of emotions, a feat of physical stamina and an experience that changes a person forever."

She nailed it.

THAT is how I feel.

Saying goodbye to Peanut Butter was THE SINGLE MOST difficult thing I have done. He was our kid. I know that I have friends who are really trying to understand why I seem just a little "off".  I am trying to get back to being me. I think there are glimpses of "the old me" every now and again. I wish it was the old THINNER me..  but yanno.

There are people who just don't understand that this isn't a typical parenting gig. Not only are we parents to these kiddos that may or may not stay..  but then we have to figure out how to "co-parent" (for lack of a better word atm) with a mentally ill (or whatever the situation may be) parent. Then schedule our lives around caseworkers, classes, visits, nurses...

I am not going to go on about how challenging it is, just take my word for it. It is a challenge.

And on top of it I am dealing with my son leaving.

I just can't brush it off.

He is gone.

I have taken down his pictures from my office walls, I can't watch the videos anymore. It isn't because I don't love him. It is because I have to move on.  It isn't because I want to forget. It is because I have to be here-- in the present -- for my family.  My future wife and my little Bean need me.

He will ALWAYS be in my heart.

A short month after he left, I am already looking back and saying.. my God.. he was my LIFE.. how did I DO am I still breathing after watching the car carrying him just drive away? In the same breath I am pretty damn proud of the mom I was to him. We had fun. Traci rocked it more than me.

She is having a difficult time with all of this. She is really struggling and I wish there was something I could do in order to help. I know it will take time, but I also want her to see how much we have still here. She said she is having a hard time bonding with Bean. I get it. But Bean and Peanut Butter are two different situations. Bean has no one. We are it. Her mom could NEVER care for her (knock on wood). 

I think it is funny.. or phunny...  In the foster care system, we have to take classes for EVERYTHING.. but I cannot find one class that would help with loss. We take care of these kids for sometimes YEARS and then they leave. We are just supposed to put our super woman cape of un emotionalness on and move forward.

I suppose I should really get back to work.

PS The house is coming together nicely. Traci and her bff, Sara, worked very hard at putting up the back splash in the kitchen..

Monday, October 8, 2012

moving in 1 days +1.

We had to push the move date back one day.  After a weekend of too much to do between tears, it just isn't going to happen tomorrow.  We are now shooting for Wednesday. 

Let me just say that my parents rocked it this weekend with Bean.  They volunteered to take this 5.5month diva for the whole day on Saturday. They are 74 years old. I didn't give them enough credit and gave them an opportunity to back out. When they dropped her off they were beaming and I think my dad really loved every moment about it. Now they are off to warmer weather, and I desperately want to visit them this year. I think it would be wonderful to be able to take Bean to see some palm trees.

Now she gets to go spend the next two days with Grandma up north.  She is an excellent Grandma.. Traci keeps saying she is a better grandma than mom. After hearing stories from her childhood and seeing her in action with the grand kids.. I am going to think that is probably true.

So, here is to packing the rest of the apartment after work in the next two days.  I am almost out of tears, so I am hoping this will go quickly.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

And Here we are.

In 24 hours, we will be moms to one 5 month old girl.

No longer will there be an 11 month old boy in the house that is taking 5 steps at a time on his own... until he gets SO excited he can't stop his legs from doing a little jig, as he falls over and screams in delight. There wont be any spitty open mouth kisses from a brown skin, curly haired nixnoox.

In 24 hours, we will  hand him off. 

I have no idea how Traci and I are going to be able to deal with this.

How does any foster parent deal with it?

He is supposed to stay. He is supposed to be part of this family. He isn't supposed to be raised by anyone else. I don't care if she gave birth to him. She isn't ready... but in the same breath she HAS to be ready. I don't want him to be pushed aside or go hungry.  She HAS to have changed. I won't accept anything else.

My brain flip flops. I know this has to happen. Traci and I have to move on with life, get ready for our wedding, raise this little Bean and get to know our new neighborhood.  I miss my girlfriend. Our apartment is about to fall in on itself from neglect, we have drive by kisses and hugs.. we have been simply surviving while wrapping ourselves in our protective barrier in order to somehow cushion this blow.

There is no cushioning, though. We are losing our son.