Thursday, November 29, 2012

learning about yourself through fostering

As foster parents in this state, we have to take 23402 classes every two years.  After taking a handful of them, I am realizing how much stuff it would have been nice to know BEFORE fostering or during the time when Peanut Butter left. During class I tend to be "that person" who puts their hand up anytime the leader asks a question, rhetorical or not.

I practically feel the stares and eyerolls.  Oh - we are all stuck here for 3 hours- suck it up, buttercups. I always have something interesting or meaningful to say, anyways.

Half way during the classes that I have taken with Traci she has turned towards me and said "maybe we should get another kiddo".


We have been waffling for awhile. Kid no

These classes bring something out in us. I really think that is what they are meant for. Have some awesome hippy dippy all lovin' foster parents and leaders up in front of you telling everyone how awesome all their kids are and how they work with the parents and change laws and set people straight and make the kids 23043 times better, smarter, stronger than what they were when they came into their homes.

You can do it, too!!!

yesyesyesyes. Weeee CAN!

hold up.

No. We can't.

We are REALLY good parents of ONE child. We have discussed this.

.... and that is where we begin to question everything...

This last class was a doozy. We weighed pros and cons, we have emailed friends, case workers etc etc. Then last night Traci and I sat down at the kitchen table and talked. No emotions. Bean sleeping. Quiet.

We are really good parents to one kid.

The end.

If Peanut Butter comes into our lives.. then we will be really good parents to two (again) .. but that is the only situation.

With that decided we also have been having good talks about Peanut Butter and his BM.  We have been learning a lot about ourselves through this process. What we are capable of and what we WANT from this journey. To grow our family and to help kids.

We have decided to be "there" for Peanut Butter and his mom when they need us. We have decided to see him... if she will allow us to.  In my heart of hearts I know that she is doing a great job with him. Is it everything that WE would be doing with him? Probably not. Is she using a different parenting style than us? Probably. That doesn't mean she is a bad mom. Since she has had him she seems to be doing everything she is supposed to be doing AND staying up to date with everything that they ask her to do with her other kids. That is a big deal for a single mom.  I do need to give her credit for that, as I would probably be curled up somewhere.

I got an email from the CW today that she went to see PB and BM and she sent a picture of his first birthday for us. I am treating that as a sign.

I don't know if this is the RIGHT thing to do.. but right at this moment it feels like the right THING to do.  I think, because of what we were told by the agencies, we had ideas about BM in our heads that weren't as horrible as they actually were because wanted to KEEP PB. We wanted to make her out to be the worst person ever...

Was she?

Well... no. I don't think she IS the worst person ever. I was thinking about it the other day. She gave birth. Went home alone to an empty apartment that was all set up for her newborn... and the VERY NEXT DAY got up, took an hour long bus ride and came to his doctor appointment. I should have given her props right then and there instead of trying to figure out what she was doing wrong.

Could I have done that after having my child taken from my arms, had no family even visit me in the hospital and then had to take a transport bus home.. by myself? I don't know that I could have.

Now that we have another BM to compare her to... she did SO MUCH right.

So did we. 

Now maybe we can work together to (help) raise this boy to be the best he can be.

Maybe. Hopefully.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Aunt Shmant.

Previously I mentioned that our little bean's great aunt (aka "support person to BM") came forward and wants this little nugget. 212 breakdowns later, unanswered emails from her caseworker and GAL, I finally got an email from my licencing worker stating that "dunno if you heard or not.. but that aunt hasn't returned any of CW's phone calls".

Letmethinkabouthtat.nope.haven't heard.


For a moment I let my guard down, praised God, and put that guard right back up.

I am so thankful for that. She belongs with us.  Peanut Butter has a mom who is nutty but is, at least, trying. Bean has a bunch of prostitutes and gang members as family members.. minus her dad.. who I think, from his death bead, is trying to "right" his life.

Oh.. and BM is AWOL again.

She was gone within 3 days of release from juvie. Is it just me, or are her actions kind of loud and clear? I am almost sure she has forgotten she even has a child. On her facebook she has been friending
strippers in Atlanta. Maybe she will hightail it to a warmer climate come her 18th birthday. Or now. Whatever.

My dear friend asked me this morning if Traci and I were done with fostering.  Without hesitating I said "yes".  I want Bean to be ours. I want to adopt her. I want to be done with the foster care system.  There is no doubt about it. I think I will morn the connections that I have made through this foster journey.. but I am so done with being a parent that has to "check in" at every turn. I want to, without a second thought, make plans for the future without having to ask a caseworker. I give props to the families who continue to help these kids time after time... without question.  I simply cannot handle the heartache and foster care induced stress. It is truly one of those things that by telling you what we go through with the foster care system will never live up to what we actually GO THROUGH with the foster care system. The blessing with Bean is that her mom is not REALLY in the picture. The only time that she has seen her while NOT being locked up was for about... 3 hours... about.... 4 months ago (roughly).  With Peanut Butter we had to deal with his mom .. the lies, the running around, the constant phone calls and emails from the CW's saying "she said this.. she said that"... Barf.

Maybe the answer would be different if I was a stay at home mom, or only worked part time. But, as it is, dealing with The Man and working 45 hours a week AND raising a child on top of it-- it's just too much. I am ready for a life of care-free living... or something at least resembling it. 

Bean did wonderful over Thanksgiving. We went up to Traci's moms place. I adore her family. They are all so down to earth and funny.  We had lots of laughs.

Man.. so much to be thankful for. 

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I wonder if they sell motivation on Ebay?

There must be some sort of special pill. I need it. For a good portion of my work day I simply sit here fake working.

Man. I hope someone from work doesn't run across this blog.

But I am sure they wont. They are more of the "where is ladies night on Tuesday-Milwaukee" googling type.  Oh great. Now they are going to google THAT and this blog will pop up. Oh well.

I used to love doing my job. Now I sit in an office alone, and I am my own boss. That sucks. I mean. It is great. No. It isn't. It sucks. I want to be out thheerrreee.... ----> with everyone else.. laughing about od'ing on NyQuil and pooping your pants... or.. having to pee so bad on your way back from up-nort that you had to pull over and pee in a farmers field *.  We are VERY professional here.

 I don't mind the un-professionalness of it all, as I visit customers at their offices and I walk in and it is soooo quiet that I immediately regret wearing shoes that make farting noises when I walk... as you could hear a pin drop. Then there are the sassy employees that have a radio playing softly in their cubicle. Rule benders. That kind of environment would put me over the freaking edge. That would mean no more diet coke.... I burp! No more chewing gum.... I wouldn't be able to blow bubbles! No more fried chicken at my desk... (actually- I just overheard that phrase said in my office). 

So yeah, I need to find my motivation. I need this crazy ass completely politically incorrect workplace. It feeds my soul.

Tomorrow I will try multivitamins. Hopefully they will give me energy instead of just making me constipated.

* = very true former conversations in the office.

Monday, November 5, 2012

What is wrong with this picture?

The house is quiet.. Bean is asleep.. I am alone in the living room sitting in the dark... a fire in the fireplace.. and football on the tv.

I can't find the remote. And by "find" what I really mean is that it is located somewhere out of my immediate reach. 

At this very moment, outside of my slimy cleavage, I am feeling pretty good. We now are able to lay Bean down for sleep, she cries for usually around 3 minutes and then she is sleeping. That means that Traci and I can talk, watch a show, or cuddle in bed. It has been enjoyable. The house is starting to feel like home and we are settling in quite nicely.

You caught that about the slimy cleavage, didn't you? I should add that it is starting to itch, too.
This morning I stopped at the 7-11 for a cup of the worst coffee in town and decided to get a "delivered every day" (by what I am thinking is a semi truck that delivers shitty bakery to 7-11's daily) glazed donut. Like every good fat girl, I ate it as I was driving so no one in the office would know I had a glazed donut and didn't buy them one.  So. I was eating it, driving, talking on my phone and putting my contacts in. That's a lie. I already had my glasses on. Anyways, as I was eating.. all the glaze fell down my shirt into my cleavage. I tried to get it out, but it was already melting. I got to work and got sucked into the craziness that was Monday morning... and I forgot about it. Until now, when I started itching and felt the melty glazed stickiness.

I would share it with Traci, but she is diabetic.

Oh. And Bean now has an aunt that is stepping forward and wants her.

Eff that.

I wonder if we have any marshmallows to roast?