Thursday, September 27, 2012

All adult-n-shit.

In 3 short hours we have the final walk through of the house. Holy crap.

In 22 hours from now I have the closing the house.  Holy crap.

I suppose I should start packing, eh?

I am sure there are people out there that have grown up knowing that they were going to get married, own a home, have a couple of kids and all that fun stuff. I never was that girl. I figured I would have a kid or two, but knew I never had to give birth. I always thought I would be a renter because I didn't have enough faith in my abilities to buy a home of my own.

Looking back on this past year since Traci has come into my life, dreams have been unearthed and fulfilled. How freaking lucky am I? VERY!

So, Bean's mom is still AWOL. I wonder at what point they just say-- "eh.. yanno.. if she wanted the kiddo she probably would be doing what she needs to do to get her back... or at the very least stick around for more than two weeks at a time."  It is all very eye opening and a little sad. At least PB has a mom that will fight for him... even if she is a little looney bins. Bean's mom doesn't fight. There will be a day that she will ask me. How do I tell her? OH, honey bun... your mom.. well.. she may have loved you. But she REALLY loved getting paid for sex. oh.. did she WANT you? well... no.. she never came back. She just ran away at every chance she could ... with different men... she liked parties. Not the ice cream and cake kind of party.

Yeah. I am going to have to polish up that story.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


He will be with us until October 5th.

The judge decided that October 31st was too long to wait for him to go home. He decided on October 5th because next week she will have trial for another of her children.... and it is going to be really stressful... and he didn't want her to get TOO stressed out with the trial.. having to wake up early... and take buses all with a little one.

I have no words.

I am done.

Monday, September 17, 2012

This is it..or is it?

Traci and I are going through the motions tonight... bath time.. pj time... sleepy time.  I broke down and cried once. Traci wont show me her tears right now, but I know they are there.

This is the last time we do this with Peanut Butter.

Or is it?

I got a call from the CW today. They are going forward with court tomorrow. I don't understand why there is court if this has already all been decided.... and she didn't explain. Tomorrow is the day that he is supposed to go back to his mom.

Because of my phone calls and cage rattling,  NOW the agency is trying to slow down everything. Too little too late? I suppose I am proud of myself for pushing back a bit. I am selfishly frustrated though as tomorrow is the date that we prepared our hearts for. We talked about what we were going to do.. take down his crib, give away his summer clothing etc.  Now.. court is at 9:30am and before noon we MIGHT find out that he is staying  "for a bit longer".  As if "a bit longer" will make his BM "better" after she has been going through this now for 8 years with PB's siblings.....or if he goes home.

I feel like I am in the middle of some crazy dream. As I was drying him off from his bath and putting him in his pjs, I just kept picturing him as an itty bitty when we picked him up from the hospital... and watched him grow to the almost 11 month old kid who is starting to take steps on his own.

We are trying to find faith in all of this and guard our hearts at the same time.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Yes. I CAN be a pain in the ass.

I have reached out to anyone who will listen to me about PB.

I just got a call from the director of the the bureau of child welfare. She was very kind and explained they have no legal standing when it comes to foster kids.

This makes me cringe.

HUH? how can the BUREAU of CHILD *WELFARE* have no legal standing? She explained that the
D.A. makes all the decisions. She has informed her legal team about PB's situation and they are making "recommendations". But apparently they are being told to shove off.

I just sit here shaking my head.

In not so many words she told me to back off....that there is a fine line between being heard and being a nuisance.


We are lucky that BM wants contact with us. We will take advantage of that as much as we can to make sure PB is okay... and dammit... if we have to support him long distance.. that is what we are going to do. He will not suffer because of some lawyers who took 15 minutes to look at his file... and decide they knew it all...then sign an agreement with BM's attorney that they will not go for a protective custody order. 

This is NOT the last time the bureau will hear from me. I am NOT finished with the GAL and the ADA's. My voice will be heard. These kids deserve so much more!

PB doesn't have a horrible birth mom. At least she will fight for her kids. She loves them. I have to give her credit for that. Beans mom is AWOL again. This is the 4th time that she has ran since Bean has been born. But still... reunification is the goal.