Friday, August 31, 2012

My old blog.

I visited it again today and began to pick out random days to read.

It was interesting reading the daily going on's of life then. I had time to bake, go out with friends, read..nap.

I think about my life today and even if our house smells like a poopy diaper half the time and I haven't actually lit candles or had an uninterrupted hour of simply sitting with Traci in months, I wouldn't change it for the world.

This morning I dropped PB off at daycare and said goodbye to him until Monday.  This weekend I am not his mom. Someone else will be making decisions like where to take him, how to dress him.. someone else will be scooping him up out of his crib in the morning and cuddling with  him on the couch. 

This weekend I won't have to say "No glasses" "no blinds" "we don't bite" "This is nothing new- I change your diaper (insert: change clothes/put on pajamas/brush teeth/put you in your highchair) everyday--so you can stop crying" "no hair"...etc etc etc.. 1 million times a day. This weekend his little 10 month old brain will forget who I am and he will be living in the moment with his mom.

I will miss him.

Traci and I are stressed out to capacity. Literally one second we have talked it out and think we have figured out how to be "okay"... then 45 minutes later one of us is crying.

Ugh. Forget it. I don't want to write about this anymore!!!! I don't want to freaking THINK about this anymore!!! I just need this transition to be done.

Lets talk about something else, shall we?

My old blog.. full of memories of Mic. I look back at our 72 degree life together and think that it was exactly what I needed at that time in my life... until I realized it wasn't. When I left, I left her almost everything (brand new living room furniture, bedroom furniture, kitchen furniture, big screen tv, wii... the list goes on) except a chair, a bed & couch that were mine when I moved in. I gave her money every month for 4 months after I moved out to help with the mortgage (of a house that isn't in my name.. she had it before I moved in) and bills.

She sent me a text today.

She wants the cell phone back.

The phone that I paid for the service through September of this year -- even though I didn't use it. The phone that cost ONE CENT to purchase.

And she wants it back ASAP.


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

2 kids who have the runs = shitty times.

Ohh my sides. That joke. Hardeeharhar.

Yup. Both kids are sick.

I think God is trying to send us a message that 2 kids are/is (??) 1 kid too much for us.
We hear you God.

BM had an unsupervised visit yesterday.  She sent back the communication notebook mapping out EVERYTHING they did. I read it... and I actually felt pretty damn good about it. She might be a better mom than me.

At least she has all day to do things with him and doesn't have to go to a pesky job (bitter sarcasm).

We are starting to realized that THIS is ACTUALLY happening.  We have no control over it. Either we can remain bitter bitchy women.. or go forward. Realized we ROCKED it out .. and PB is a stinkin' awesome kid.

Oh. And that he will RUN HER over. He is BEYOND a nix-noox.

She wants us to be part of PB's life. Traci and I remain firm in our stance and believe that we cannot see him.  It would be far too hard.  We were thinking, though-- maybe we could send care packages or something like that.  I am not sure of the reason WHY we would do it, outside of the fact that it would just make us feel good.

This weekend is his first overnight weekend visit. It is going to be hard..  but I think this schedule was not only laid out for him and to make his transition a little easier... but for us too.  Little by little until he is gone. 

The Bean's mom ... is.. um.. challenged.

She believes that we are in charge of when and where we can drop her daughter off for her to keep her overnight "for weeks", and we should go to the judge and tell him/her to put BM on probation and that we are going to give Bean back to her. She is completely in denial about what is going on and even more so.. WHY it is going on. I can't imagine that she will be around for a long period of time.  The sad thing is that soon she will be 18 and have no one hunting her down or giving her a place to live. 

She has also asked us to pierce Beans ears, to start giving her bottles of ice cold tap water, and to not allow her to put her fingers in her mouth.

Yeah -  I will get right on it.
It has been slipping my mind that along with everything else that is going on ... we are going to be home owners at the end of September.. and we have to MOVE in October... and then we are getting MARRIED in March. Oh.. and squeeze in a California trip and a Florida trip in there, too.

This weekend I am going to a wedding with my Rebs. There are going to be 14 different DJ's spinning- and an open bar. Mama's gonna have to get some new dancin' shoes and go woop it up!!!! Traci is going to be taking The Bean up north to see her bestie... it is going to be a GREAT weekend.. I wont allow anything else.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Figuring it all out.

People keep asking... how are you?

Well in the last week.. in my heart it has been horrible. I have been a mess. I have been on the edge of crying all the time.

In my mind I have been spinning and kicking myself for ever signing up for this gig in the first place.

But TODAY... I am doing okay TODAY..  Traci and I have decided that we need to stop being SOOOOOO sad about Peanut Butter leaving. It is going to be HARD but.. technically.. we did our job .. and did it well. We have a LOT to look forward to.. and we have the LOUDEST baby on earth (Bean) to watch over and enjoy. 
We have to have faith that the people who will be dropping in for the next year checking on Peanut Butter will be doing their jobs and have his best interest at hand.
The HARDEST HARDEST HARDEST part is that we have NO SAY and NO CONTROL in any of it...
but.. we will be okay... so will he. 
I don't think this is the last time we see him. I have a feeling he will be back. I hope that she totally doesn't eff him up like she did the brother when she had him for a hot minute, and then was returned. But we would take him back, hot mess and all.  

Friday, August 17, 2012

working through this.

We have had a couple of days to let this settle in.

Traci and I have to be honest with ourselves... we always thought this might happen. We have to step back and realize how awesome it has been that we have been able to see this kid grow right in front of our eyes.

Yesterday he took three steps at daycare. We want it to happen on our watch.. we want to be there for his first word.. his first steps.. we have one month to make it happen.

God works in magnificent ways.

It clicked the other day ..

1.  We found a church we love after looking for a while.. and we will need the support of those there.
2.  The way this house is working out- we will be able to move in with a fresh slate... it would have
     been horrible to move in and THEN find out this information.. and have to take his room down
     and de-Peanut Butter.
3.  We have baby C. She will now be an only child.. and will be spoiled rotten.
4.  We have each other. I know that I wouldn't have been able to do this with anyone else other
     Traci. Mic NEVER would have been able to deal or to be a support.. or would have been able
     to communicate about it or anything.  Yet another reason Traci and I were brought together.

We WILL be okay. Peanut Butter WILL be okay. 

The inspection for the house was yesterday-- there are some issues.. we told the seller to fix or we walk. I hope he fixes.. I like the joint.


PS Sorry about all the swearing in previous posts. It happens.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


The GAL came tonight. The first time in 10 months... Ironically AFTER the decision was made to send PB home.

She had the balls to ask Traci and I...would you be interested in being respite for PB?

We were speechless. Finally I was able to say.... If BM is going to be a full time mom... She can figure out her own respite.

What I wanted to say was you ho bag.. She has had TEN MONTHS of respite. We have been through the ringer with BM... You think we want to help her now? After she has wrongly thrown us under the damn bus more than 20 times? Take your respite and shove it up your ass.


We got word today.

Peanut Butter will be going home.

His mother is going from 2 visits a week... transitioning into partially unsupervised visits... then overnight visits. September 14th he will not be with us any longer.

She doesn't work. She doesn't have transportation. She doesn't have enough money to pay for his food once WIC runs out. She doesn't believe in sickness.

This system is fucked.

I am so sad.. words cannot even even describe the sadness.

And if one more person comes up to me and says... well.. as a foster parent you kind of knew this was going to happen.. they can all jump off a fucking bridge.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Fit and Able.

I received a call last week from Peanut Butters caseworker. Apparently BM had a psych evaluation and she was found to be a "fit and able mother". And then *poof* I was the Queen of England.. because that is RIDICULOUS.

CW stated that overnight visits may be granted if the judge agrees with the test.

The -- at minimum--NINTH psych evaluation she has done... she probably could have conducted it herself. This evaluation was supposed to happen in the "magical 90 day" period of time that they said she had in order to get all of the stuff done she needed. The judge played hardball and even had her sign something stating she was going to get it done in that time frame. 140 days later.. we have a psych evaluation.

This Judge/Courts/CW relationship with BM is starting to remind me of your typical Dr. Phil unhealthy teen and parent relationship you see flooding the tv's and, hell, facebook.. even in our own extended families. "I say you need to do this because I am the boss" then the kid doesn't.. then the parent gets mad... then threats are made... then the kid finally decides to kiss some ass.. and parent forgets all threats and nothing is followed through on. The court system is probably the closest thing to a parent that BM has ever had.

Pre-trial is today. Jury trial is next week.

After that I will have a better idea if Peanut Butter is going to stick around. I hope he does. I get sick every time I think otherwise.

In other news, Bean's mom is MIA. Yup people.. she is AWOL .. gone daddy gone. She has been "choosing a different location to lay her head" for about 2 weeks. I got an email from the caseworker that said this.. "I had a meeting with the visitation worker, and we have decided to stop  visits until BM returns".


You had to have a meeting to figure out that Bean and her BM can't have visits until BM returns? Lady- you are too smart for your own stinkin' good. Thankfully you went to college for this career.


But instead I said, "okay".

And then in tiny little letters underneath that I typed, "You sure are no Einstein, huh Suzy Putz?"

No..  you are right.. I didn't.



We bought a house.

I know. Crazy shit, huh?

A little tiny ranch in a cute little neighborhood that surrounds a park. We got it at a price that will afford us the ability to do some updates ... new windows.. and new light fixtures.. do something fun with the fireplace.. yanno, stuff like that. The basement is completely ready for a bathroom and to be finished off.  Here are some pictures :

Living Room


The dining room they are using as an office

first bedroom of three

2nd bedroom of 3

Back yard.

Before you know it we will have our little crazy family running around singing songs, laughing and breathing life into the walls.