Wednesday, October 14, 2015

Save the Date

I finally got the call about my surgery date.

November 5th.

They will be calling me the night before with the time I need to be at the hospital.  Odds are I will be getting ZERO sleep that night.

I finally "came out" of the Weight Loss Surgery (WLS) closet at work.  I was not telling anyone at work because I felt like it was none of their business.  Though, when I really sat down and thought about it- it wasn't because it wasn't any of their damn business (which- really- well- it isn't) but I feel so ashamed about my weight.  It has been something I just avoid talking about. I avoid THINKING about. I avoid LOOKING at.  Then I thought- oh for fuck's sake... this is a GOOD thing.  I am taking control of my health for ME. I do nothing for myself. This is going to be my big thing.

They took it well.  I actually made up a  big story about how I was having a sex change operation and that I would like to be called Derek after I came back to work. They just kind of looked at me for a moment and then the owner of the company says "oh fuck you- you are not".  Laughing ensued.  They know I would never want to be a dude. I don't know anything about dudes.

Between now and the big day I will be busy with typical toddler ridiculousness which includes trying to potty train two three year olds at once (yay me), more doctors appointments and major house cleaning as I am sure there will be people coming over to corral the kids for us so Traci can take care of me.

I am so ready for this. SO STINKING READY.  At night I have been having dreams of being able to cross my legs, running a 5K and wearing yoga pants while actually doing yoga.  Mind boggling.

So, let the count down begin.. 21 more days.

I'm trying not to have a poogency every time I think about it.

Peace out.

Monday, September 7, 2015


I have one friend who had gastric bypass.  She and her husband are now getting a divorce. 

There are those that say that rate of divorce increases dramatically after WLS.  I honestly think those relationships had many issues prior to the surgery.  I cannot imagine not having my wife by my side through all of this. I want to look good for HER too. 

This week has been a challenge.  I have overeaten quite a bit.  Each time I have something I go through this process that is kind of... saying goodbye.  Breaking up with food is going to be tough. It is always there for me. A friend, comfort, a get away. 

This surgery I am having is going to be a TOOL.  A tool that I can't simply just use when I want.  It is a forever change. FORRREEVVEERRR.  It isn't a guarantee.  It isn't going to be an easy fix. 

Even with all that in mind- I am ready.  READY!

I have my last nutritionist appointment on Wednesday.  Hopefully then we go forward with submitting to insurance!

Thursday, August 13, 2015

It is going to take more than just the surgery.

I am quickly realizing that I have real issues with food.  I mean. Yeah. DUH I HAVE ISSUES WITH FOOD. I wouldn't have gotten this massive if I didn't.

I'm talking about when I am with my children and they are driving me looney bins and I reach into their stash of candy for m&m's just to help me cool off.  The other night, Traci and I were sitting on the couch chit chatting and I ate almost .. okay.. pretty much ALL of a bag of cheese puffs.  I didn't even realize it until it was a done deal.

People don't do what I do and stay thin-ish.  I don't want to fail.  I want this to be the end all be all-- for my kids to never remember their big fat mom. I don't want to screw up and look back on a failed situation.


Saturday, July 18, 2015

Word is spreading


I have joined a bunch of Weight Loss Surgery groups on Facebook.  To see everyone's transformations are so encouraging.
I have decided on my "pre" photo.
It is going to be me puffing up as much as possible. Looking the fattest I can possibly look.  Something like this:
Image result for jabba the hutt
Wearing a tube top and spandex. Looking horrific. Side ponytail- maybe a fanny pack.  Knee high sports socks. 
My thinking is that every picture I have after that is going to look FAR better than that one.  Everyone is going to be like.. "HOLY CRAP! WHAT AN AMAZING TRANSFORMATION!"
And little by little the tube top will get too big, the tube socks will start slouching, the fanny pack would need to be slung over my shoulder. 
It's going to be epic.
I have a couple of more appointments this coming week.  Dietician and Psych evaluation.  ONE psych evaluation.  I am thinking.. it took 40 years of issues with food. I am going to need some psych help after the surgery too. 
More things of things I look forward to:
Putting on tights like a human
There will be more things.. I am 100% sure of it.

Monday, July 6, 2015

Time for a change.. a big fat change.

I have always wanted to run.  I see people running, and I want to do it.  I see people biking and I want to do it.

I am now at a time in my life where I realize I just can't do these things anymore.  I WANT to be active, but I am too big to be active.  I want to lose weight, but in order to do that, I have to be active. It is a mad cycle.  There must be something that can help.

There has, for many years, been the idea of having weight loss surgery.  I personally never knew anyone that had it, and kind of thought it was for quitters.

Then my friend had Gastric Bypass.

And she is as far from being a quitter.

She needed HELP.  She needed a jump start.  It wasn't EASY  out.  Far from it.  What it did do was allow her to BE more active and to have the confidence she needed. To be healthier and to live longer to see her beautiful children grow up. 

We recently had a change in insurance at work.  I quickly realized that THIS was my chance.  I never had insurance in previous jobs that allowed this surgery.  The day after I got my insurance card in the mail, I was on the horn.  It was covered.

I have now had my initial class and surgeon consultation.  This week I will check in with the dietitian and another check in at the end of the month.  My psychiatrist appointment is also at the end of the month.  I believe within 3 months I will have all my needed appointments under my belt. 

This is scary and exciting.  There are so many rules to follow.  I need to always remember WHY I am doing this:
Of course I know that while weight is not what makes ME, me.. I also know that weight is a huge part of my self image... my... what is the right word... my self WORTH.  I miss the old me. The more confident me.  I want her back.  I believe this will help.
Things I look forward to after the surgery:
Crossing my legs
Playing with my kids without almost immediate fatigue
Wearing cute clothes that are drapes
Riding my bike
Going places wondering if I am going to be the biggest person there
Getting rid of at least 3 of my chins
Learning how to eat correctly and teach it to my family
So- onward with a new adventure. 
I have such excitement to see where this adventure will take me and my family.

Friday, June 19, 2015

Grown up kid puke

Today was the first day that we had a child old enough to puke real, big kid, food  half digested puke. 

I had just dropped of Eme at her daycare and was on the way to drop off Dario and Cora at their daycare.  I was at the stoplight thinking about what I was going to have to deal with at work.  New trainees, a pile of "to do", putting the kabash on office drama and having a Come to Jesus talk with one of my CSR's. 

Then I heard this gushing noise from the backseat.  I turned my head to find vomit shooting out of my sweet Cora's face.

I didn't scream.

Immediately rolled down my window, pulled into a parking lot and freaked out via text to Traci.  I didn't want Cora to hear me freaking out about the pile of chunks all over her lap and the chair. 

OKAY HONEY!! YOU ARE OKAY!!! *in an overly happy tone that did not correlate at all with the event* *rolling down the rest of the windows* RELAX, DONT TOUCH IT, MAMA IS GONNA MAKE IT BETTER.

I started to cold sweat.

It didn't get on Dario. 

He was going to school. 

I was traumatized and I needed a hose.

They is just going to have to understand that wherever we go they are going to have to travel with buckets on their laps.


Thursday, June 18, 2015

All the things

Big things happen after two people get hitched.. legally.

We are on the job hunt, painting walls and going to move up 'nort.  It was solidified after I watched my wife chopping wood with her newly purchased AXE for her fire pit.  We live in the middle of a city.

She was in 7th heaven.  I thought to myself... there is no going back now.

Update: Toddlers still suck.

              Then 32 seconds later they are hilarious

              We are at an age where there is more suckage then hilarity. 

I am typing with one eye open. So tired.

Friday, January 30, 2015

Day job

Starting off the day with one of my employees staring at me blankly while I tell her -- either get it together, or you wont have a job here any longer. 

She has an opportunity here. I can't make her realize that. If she doesn't see it, that is her fault.

I need to figure out how to motivate my team.  Maybe there are some online trainings I can take. I would think that a huge amount of bonuses would be motivation enough.

Instead, I have to hold hands.

On an up note, today is the one year anniversary of Dario's adoption day.  Traci and I are going to take him out to dinner tonight- and try to find something fun to do.  I think that he will just be thrilled to be spending time with his two moms.

Thursday, January 22, 2015

And then the phone rang.

Cora's birth mom is about to have her baby. 

A boy. 

They asked if we could take placement.  

It is very difficult to discribe the feelings that race through your body when you get a placement call. 

It is even harder to discribe what it feels like when you have to say No.

Tuesday, January 20, 2015

I had a breakdown today.

Only two hours into the day.

I hit my limit. I wasn't prepared. I should have had activities ready.

Every. Tuesday.

I should know better.

Cora was running around like a nut. Dario was pushing Cora. She was kicking back. It was chaos all around.  They had diarrhea.  I had probably already changed 8 diapers.  Baby still had to be brought into daycare. I was nervous about running into the daycare manager as I am still waiting for her foster care assistance to go through to cover daycare (it is almost 30 days past due).  There were a million things running through my brain. On top of it I am sick and the house was in shambles. Dario was loud. Cora was loud. The kind of loud that doesn't stop. Dario could sing the abc's 234234 times a day. Then he moves on to Twinkle Twinkle. It.Doesn't.Stop. He is in constant motion. Constant talking.  During that time- Cora is crying.  For what? Your guess is as good as mine.

And I lost it.

I started shaking.


That cry that you do when you lose a loved one. Or lose your mind.

I screamed at the kids to go sit on the couch. They must have been able to tell by the look on my face, because for the first time in 2 hours, they listened.

I had to get it all off of my chest. I had to SCREAM it off of my chest.

I closed myself in my room.

The kids stayed on the couch.

I got it all out. All of it. All of the swear words and feelings and crap that I just needed to scream about. It was out there.

And the weight was lifted off of my shoulders.

I broke down into an exhausted puddle.

Parenting is hard.  Parenting two 2 year olds is harder.  Parenting two 2 year olds who didn't grow in my body, and were given drugs instead of prenatal vitamins and didn't have the proper care in utero is EVEN HARDER.  It is like twins. But not twins. More like quadruplets that are moving at a rate of 281mph and banging on a drum set while running in all different directions.

I have to dig down deep to find my faith.  Remind myself to have patience and in time- this all will be better. IT WILL GET BETTER.  This MUST get better. God is here. He shows himself through them right when I need Him to.  If it is in Cora looking at me with the most innocent look and her chubby cheeks and big brown eyes.  Or if it is through Dario when he brings up awesome memories or cuddles in close when we read a book together.

I am not perfect.  They are not perfect.

That is why we will be okay. Granted, in their teen years I may need to take out a second mortgage for therapy--- but we will get through it.

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Finally. A cold that is kicking my ass.

I knew that it would happen this winter and that I wasn't in the clear because it just turned January and we really should be over with winter come March. 

This cold may be the end of me.  Thankfully Traci takes awesome care of me and let's me sleep extra.  

Today has been a good day with The Toddlers.  I got up with them at 6am and let T-Ma sleep in. We played with stuffed animals, had a dance party and had some breakfast.  I am taking their cues today- I noticed when they started walking around just kind of looking for could see the glimmer of naughtiness in Dario's eyes... So I got on the floor with them and played with some was fun! Cora is super good at pretending - it was pretty cool to see her wheels spinning. 

They were super excited to watch T-Ma change their rooms around. 

Now.. They are napping *knock on wood*.  

So far so good- I am going to take some cough medicine and join them in lala land.

Edit: well that ended quickly. I stopped typing, Traci motioned me into Coras room- where she was standing with poop in her hand. I gave her a cold shower, cleaned it up and cried in the bathroom. 

Saturday, January 3, 2015

I just got a text.

Cora smeared poop on her wall.

Traci may be in the middle of a nervous breakdown.

Does Military School for toddlers exist?

Friday, January 2, 2015

Being a Mom to toddlers

Is quite possibly the hardest thing I have ever ever ever done.

No. For sure.

For SURE it is the hardest thing I have ever done.

Here is the thing in foster land, though.... my friends are moms of two TIMES as many toddlers as I have. So, when I go to them with issues or frustrations, I know that behind their smiles and warm advice they are looking at me like.. GUURRRRLLLL you got it EASY.

Traci and I are going through this mad cycle of different disciplining techniques.  Yesterday we were doing the 1-2-3 Magic thing.. which was fine. The amount of yelling went down tremendously - until Cora hauled off an slapped me across the face.  I kind of lost my 1-2-3 Cool.  The worst part is that I know it is me. I know that it is my own issues that get my kids riled up and me going outside to cool off. Whoever forgot to pass along the Parenting How -To book really sucks. A lot.

But! Today is a new day. The morning went pretty darn well up until I realized Dario hid his shoes... and that Baby E can crawl between rooms... and that Cora.. well.. she was just Cora. She hid in a corner and refused to go until I gave her some of a poptart. I gave in. Secretly I wanted to hide in the corner with her and hope that no one would even notice.

But- we got it... They got to daycare. I got to work. Life went on.

In my gut I think that 2015 is going to have some major changes coming.  The beginning of a new year means endless possibilities!

Happy 2015 !