Friday, November 25, 2016

4 children later.

Big mail day in the hizzy.. BIG DAY.

I got my updated drivers license with our new address in the mail.  I was 85lbs heaver in the photo.  I am waiting for the day that someone looks at my license and says.. my goodness.. that doesn't even look like you! Then and only then will I go into the DMV for a new photo.  We also got Emme's new birth certificate in the mail. THIS IS A HUGE DEAL. Traci is listed as a parent. MAJOR. MAAAAJOOOORRR. Finally, we got a letter stating our foster license is closed.

We are our own family.


No social workers.

No GALs.


It saddens me that we no longer carry a foster license.  For 5 years, that has been part of our identity.  Part of our intro.  Now what? We are just two chics with 3 kids. End of story.

On another note, I sent out Thanksgiving cards... PRIOR to Thanksgiving.  I am fucking killing it here.


HA RIGHT.  I just dug gum out of Cora's mouth that she found in a wrapper in the garbage.

Also.. we are starting to live a more minimalistic life... we are going through all the kids toys and they don't have many left. I absolutely love how this has allowed them to really use their imaginations. Now I need to get over their mess.. that is far from minimalistic. 

SS Minnow 


Thursday, November 17, 2016

rant. woah-ez me.

I have to remember, somehow, that I am not the first parent that feels the way I do.

I am not the first parent that feels like her kids are running the house, that her walls will never be clean again, that the talking back and screaming and hitting and biting and just all around REDONK is never ending.

I am not the first parent that wants her life back.  I miss doing what I want when I want. I miss having friends. I miss going to bed and not struggling to sleep while being kicked by a 2 year old all night.

I am not the only one with a four year old that is as stubborn and impossible to parent.. and actually contributes to my desire to "go out to get a gallon of milk".

I am not the first parent to spin in place, thinking about the laundry, what to feed the kids, cleaning the house, paying the bills and about the jobs she has outside of the house...until you go numb and completely useless.

I am on overload.

But I am not the first parent to feel this way.  I have a long line of amazing parents before I ever got this title.  They were in FAR more difficult situations than I am in.

I need to summons their power.

Is there some sort of crystal or magic powder I can buy in order to do this? I will save all of my pennies for it sell all of my worldly possessions.. sell my plasma. WHATEVER IT TAKES because this mama needs to up her Prozac and have a glass of wine before I lose my goddamn mind.

PS. As I am typing this, my 2 year old asks to put big girl undies on.  done. now she is hiding in her pooping place.  Awesome.

Tuesday, November 8, 2016

Mom is doing well. This election, on the other hand...

Mom's surgery went well. Now we find out the kinds of improvements we will see. I am praying so hard for her.

Along with my mom, I am praying for this country as I tune in and out of election results.  My blood  pressure can't take it.

I need to go to bed. When I wake up, a woman better be in charge.

Sunday, November 6, 2016

fucking colds.

My mom has NPH - in short, she has water on her brain. Two weeks ago she was supposed to have a shunt inserted. Because of some complications that didn't happen. 

It was rescheduled to tomorrow. Because of my schedule I am not going to be there... so I drove down lastnight to visit. I woke up with a fever and a cold. 

So I had to hightail it out of there. 

I couldn't even give her a hug when I left.

My heart is breaking. 

Please lord let everything go as planned. 

Tuesday, November 1, 2016

check in

Jesus. Time to get this rolling again. I finally feel like my life at a place where that can happen.  We are all settled in Appleton.  The kids are in 4K and Emme is in daycare.  I absolutely love my job and I am also working a second job cleaning at the health club at night.  Just 2 hours a night for three nights a week.  I am by myself.  It is quiet. I can think.

Traci and Sara finished our bedroom and they are putting the finishing touches on the room downstairs.  I am not yet sure how the decorating will all play out. I am in no hurry.  This house feels like home.  We aren't going anywhere.  It is AMAZING to have Greg and Maurice next door and family just a few minutes away.

The kids love it. They love playing outside. Sara brought them a big play yard and they adore it.

I am working out- and have started running. Traci is still at the moving company- but that wont be forever. Only until we get her health figured out.


We so effing GOT THIS.

I even took them out trick or treating BY MYSELF yesterday...and I didn't even take my prozac.

We got through a bunch of houses before it just got too cold and Emme ended the experience by tantruming in the front yard, throwing her bucket of candy everywhere, tearing off her costume and jacket and running around screaming.  It was quite a performance!

We had two different Doc McStuffins in the hizzy and an Iron Man! 

I'm ready to keep this good feeling going! 

Friday, May 13, 2016

more waiting until we get ready to wait some more.

One more thing to check off the list... a job in Appleton.  I am so beyond about this. B E Y O N D.

Part time at the funeral home.  The job is spectacular.  The owner of the funeral home is SO STINKING NICE.  I can't even explain how excited I am to become part of the team there. 

I tried to tell Traci about it-- but kids stirred up the words coming from my mouth to her ears. She didn't quite get the excitement. That is okay.  Then I tried calling my mom to tell her, but it sounded like she just finished the last drop of the bottle. So. Well. That didn't get the response I was hoping for.  The most important thing is that I did it. I got the job.  They chose ME.  Also- this means that I will still be able to contribute financially to the family, become more involved with our kids day-to-day and best of all.. re-align myself, goals, priorities, etc.

Another check mark.  The list of things to do is long between packing and organizing and EVERYTHING that needs to be done at the new place.

Yanno what, though?

I could care less if we were moving into circa 1963 untouched time capsule. Orange shag carpeting and wallpaper on the ceilings. It would mean that The Wards are putting their faith first and family an immediate 2nd.. and doing exactly what is best for us.

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Did I say a 30 day notice?

In my last post I ended it by saying that the Ward house thrives on change. Hell yes, we do.  New twist:  I have an interview for a part time job in Appleton in a few weeks.  No matter what, we are putting the house up for sale and heading north.  Twist(x2): I have to keep this job in order to get through the closing (once it is sold, of course) THEN I will be putting in my notice. 

I get all dreamy and butterfly stomach-y just thinking about it... thinking about a day without blatant sexism, doing the work of 3 other positions on top of my own, not having to miss out on my children's day-to-day, creating a clean and inviting home for my wife and friends...the list is really endless.

I need to find out what saint you bury upside down in your yard to get your house to sell. 

As for the weight loss.. I am down 70lbs.  I kind of am seeing it in my face.  I had some really horrid pictures taken of me in the last several days, so I am right back to baggy clothes and avoiding mirrors. 

Friday, February 19, 2016

We have one go'round

Well. Surgery done. 3 months under my belt and 66lbs gone daddy gone.  I still can't see it. It is a mind fuck if there ever was one. I did cross my legs twice, but I am afraid to try again. I also had to get new pants... as I looked redonk in my oversized circus tents.  But when I look at my body in a *HORROR* full length mirror.. I see no difference. 

I am absolutely not a star student. I have had slip ups and have made some really poor decisions food wise, but I can honestly say that the good food decisions far surpass the crappy ones. 

I will be getting  on a plane at the end of this month to go to Austin. I am so freaking out about it.  Fat peoples worst nightmares always have plane seats in them. Squeezed in, touching the arm of a stranger or trying  your best to smoosh up to the window.  I just really want to be able to buckle the seatbelt.  Here is to hoping! Then there is the thing about giving up alcohol for a year.  I am not quite sure how I am going to survive 5 days with the owners of the company and the general manager.  I'm bringing my yoga dvd's - and hoping for the best. Though, really- I am 100% sure that yoga is not going to taste better than a So.Co Old Fashioned Sweet.

Tim, my older brother, is going to have a heart bypass this coming week. I am not in a place I can really write about it. I am bitter and frustrated and scared to death.  I learned about that right before Traci landed in the hospital with Pancreatitis.  I can't write about that, either.. I am so scared to lose them both. 

Meanwhile. I am giving my 30 day notice in 30 days.  It is time.  I had an epiphany that I actually want to try raising my kids that we fought so hard to adopt.  Cora, on a regular basis, is using the phrase "Bye Felicia".  The things that come out of Dario's mouth are simply shocking.  We are having date night tomorrow night to figure it all out.

There are a lot of changes happening in the Ward house.  There always is, though.  We thrive on change, I think.