Friday, December 14, 2012

There is always a part 2.

Peanut Butter's caseworker contacted us and to let us know she was given a picture of PB's first birthday to pass along to us.

We received it in the mail.

It was good to see him smiling... and of course, we couldn't help but think that he would be smiling BIGGER with us. It is a foster parent sickness, I am sure-- to think that the kids would be  better with you.

I attempted to contact BM (as I was told that she has been trying to email me) and I finally got a response, "Ur nuts. Leave us ALONE". 

Ouch. That stung.

I forget she has mental illness. I forget that she isn't OKAY. I suppose I just want to believe so bad that she  IS okay, as I don't want PB to be raised by a wacky mom.

It was my fault for giving her the benefit of the doubt.

So, I attempted to reach out to the case worker to see what the heck was going on-- and why I am getting so many mixed signals. Of course, she did not respond. Why did I think she would?

In the systems eyes, we are just glorified babysitters. Even though we commit our lives to these kids, we care for them day in and day out.. take them to doctors, visits, hospitals..we are up in the night, we are the faces they know. They are our lives. But yet.. in the eyes of "the system" we don't deserve explanations or responses. This is, no doubt, one of the hardest things about being a foster parent. One that I can't get used to... that I don't think ANY foster parent should get used to. We deserve a voice.

So. In the eyes of a mentally unstable woman, I am nuts. Ohhh JOY.

We are ready to adopt Bean. I want to be done. We belong to a facebook group for foster parents and this week has been full of announcements of adoptions and TPR's and stories of wonderful relationships between BM's and foster parents.

I am ready for it to be our turn. Bean's BM is still on the run. She has made it completely obvious that she doesn't want anything to do with Bean.. so lets move forward.

In other news... holy crap it is almost Christmas and I have not purchased one gift.

Thursday, November 29, 2012

learning about yourself through fostering

As foster parents in this state, we have to take 23402 classes every two years.  After taking a handful of them, I am realizing how much stuff it would have been nice to know BEFORE fostering or during the time when Peanut Butter left. During class I tend to be "that person" who puts their hand up anytime the leader asks a question, rhetorical or not.

I practically feel the stares and eyerolls.  Oh - we are all stuck here for 3 hours- suck it up, buttercups. I always have something interesting or meaningful to say, anyways.

Half way during the classes that I have taken with Traci she has turned towards me and said "maybe we should get another kiddo".


We have been waffling for awhile. Kid no

These classes bring something out in us. I really think that is what they are meant for. Have some awesome hippy dippy all lovin' foster parents and leaders up in front of you telling everyone how awesome all their kids are and how they work with the parents and change laws and set people straight and make the kids 23043 times better, smarter, stronger than what they were when they came into their homes.

You can do it, too!!!

yesyesyesyes. Weeee CAN!

hold up.

No. We can't.

We are REALLY good parents of ONE child. We have discussed this.

.... and that is where we begin to question everything...

This last class was a doozy. We weighed pros and cons, we have emailed friends, case workers etc etc. Then last night Traci and I sat down at the kitchen table and talked. No emotions. Bean sleeping. Quiet.

We are really good parents to one kid.

The end.

If Peanut Butter comes into our lives.. then we will be really good parents to two (again) .. but that is the only situation.

With that decided we also have been having good talks about Peanut Butter and his BM.  We have been learning a lot about ourselves through this process. What we are capable of and what we WANT from this journey. To grow our family and to help kids.

We have decided to be "there" for Peanut Butter and his mom when they need us. We have decided to see him... if she will allow us to.  In my heart of hearts I know that she is doing a great job with him. Is it everything that WE would be doing with him? Probably not. Is she using a different parenting style than us? Probably. That doesn't mean she is a bad mom. Since she has had him she seems to be doing everything she is supposed to be doing AND staying up to date with everything that they ask her to do with her other kids. That is a big deal for a single mom.  I do need to give her credit for that, as I would probably be curled up somewhere.

I got an email from the CW today that she went to see PB and BM and she sent a picture of his first birthday for us. I am treating that as a sign.

I don't know if this is the RIGHT thing to do.. but right at this moment it feels like the right THING to do.  I think, because of what we were told by the agencies, we had ideas about BM in our heads that weren't as horrible as they actually were because wanted to KEEP PB. We wanted to make her out to be the worst person ever...

Was she?

Well... no. I don't think she IS the worst person ever. I was thinking about it the other day. She gave birth. Went home alone to an empty apartment that was all set up for her newborn... and the VERY NEXT DAY got up, took an hour long bus ride and came to his doctor appointment. I should have given her props right then and there instead of trying to figure out what she was doing wrong.

Could I have done that after having my child taken from my arms, had no family even visit me in the hospital and then had to take a transport bus home.. by myself? I don't know that I could have.

Now that we have another BM to compare her to... she did SO MUCH right.

So did we. 

Now maybe we can work together to (help) raise this boy to be the best he can be.

Maybe. Hopefully.

Friday, November 23, 2012

Aunt Shmant.

Previously I mentioned that our little bean's great aunt (aka "support person to BM") came forward and wants this little nugget. 212 breakdowns later, unanswered emails from her caseworker and GAL, I finally got an email from my licencing worker stating that "dunno if you heard or not.. but that aunt hasn't returned any of CW's phone calls".

Letmethinkabouthtat.nope.haven't heard.


For a moment I let my guard down, praised God, and put that guard right back up.

I am so thankful for that. She belongs with us.  Peanut Butter has a mom who is nutty but is, at least, trying. Bean has a bunch of prostitutes and gang members as family members.. minus her dad.. who I think, from his death bead, is trying to "right" his life.

Oh.. and BM is AWOL again.

She was gone within 3 days of release from juvie. Is it just me, or are her actions kind of loud and clear? I am almost sure she has forgotten she even has a child. On her facebook she has been friending
strippers in Atlanta. Maybe she will hightail it to a warmer climate come her 18th birthday. Or now. Whatever.

My dear friend asked me this morning if Traci and I were done with fostering.  Without hesitating I said "yes".  I want Bean to be ours. I want to adopt her. I want to be done with the foster care system.  There is no doubt about it. I think I will morn the connections that I have made through this foster journey.. but I am so done with being a parent that has to "check in" at every turn. I want to, without a second thought, make plans for the future without having to ask a caseworker. I give props to the families who continue to help these kids time after time... without question.  I simply cannot handle the heartache and foster care induced stress. It is truly one of those things that by telling you what we go through with the foster care system will never live up to what we actually GO THROUGH with the foster care system. The blessing with Bean is that her mom is not REALLY in the picture. The only time that she has seen her while NOT being locked up was for about... 3 hours... about.... 4 months ago (roughly).  With Peanut Butter we had to deal with his mom .. the lies, the running around, the constant phone calls and emails from the CW's saying "she said this.. she said that"... Barf.

Maybe the answer would be different if I was a stay at home mom, or only worked part time. But, as it is, dealing with The Man and working 45 hours a week AND raising a child on top of it-- it's just too much. I am ready for a life of care-free living... or something at least resembling it. 

Bean did wonderful over Thanksgiving. We went up to Traci's moms place. I adore her family. They are all so down to earth and funny.  We had lots of laughs.

Man.. so much to be thankful for. 

Thursday, November 8, 2012

I wonder if they sell motivation on Ebay?

There must be some sort of special pill. I need it. For a good portion of my work day I simply sit here fake working.

Man. I hope someone from work doesn't run across this blog.

But I am sure they wont. They are more of the "where is ladies night on Tuesday-Milwaukee" googling type.  Oh great. Now they are going to google THAT and this blog will pop up. Oh well.

I used to love doing my job. Now I sit in an office alone, and I am my own boss. That sucks. I mean. It is great. No. It isn't. It sucks. I want to be out thheerrreee.... ----> with everyone else.. laughing about od'ing on NyQuil and pooping your pants... or.. having to pee so bad on your way back from up-nort that you had to pull over and pee in a farmers field *.  We are VERY professional here.

 I don't mind the un-professionalness of it all, as I visit customers at their offices and I walk in and it is soooo quiet that I immediately regret wearing shoes that make farting noises when I walk... as you could hear a pin drop. Then there are the sassy employees that have a radio playing softly in their cubicle. Rule benders. That kind of environment would put me over the freaking edge. That would mean no more diet coke.... I burp! No more chewing gum.... I wouldn't be able to blow bubbles! No more fried chicken at my desk... (actually- I just overheard that phrase said in my office). 

So yeah, I need to find my motivation. I need this crazy ass completely politically incorrect workplace. It feeds my soul.

Tomorrow I will try multivitamins. Hopefully they will give me energy instead of just making me constipated.

* = very true former conversations in the office.

Monday, November 5, 2012

What is wrong with this picture?

The house is quiet.. Bean is asleep.. I am alone in the living room sitting in the dark... a fire in the fireplace.. and football on the tv.

I can't find the remote. And by "find" what I really mean is that it is located somewhere out of my immediate reach. 

At this very moment, outside of my slimy cleavage, I am feeling pretty good. We now are able to lay Bean down for sleep, she cries for usually around 3 minutes and then she is sleeping. That means that Traci and I can talk, watch a show, or cuddle in bed. It has been enjoyable. The house is starting to feel like home and we are settling in quite nicely.

You caught that about the slimy cleavage, didn't you? I should add that it is starting to itch, too.
This morning I stopped at the 7-11 for a cup of the worst coffee in town and decided to get a "delivered every day" (by what I am thinking is a semi truck that delivers shitty bakery to 7-11's daily) glazed donut. Like every good fat girl, I ate it as I was driving so no one in the office would know I had a glazed donut and didn't buy them one.  So. I was eating it, driving, talking on my phone and putting my contacts in. That's a lie. I already had my glasses on. Anyways, as I was eating.. all the glaze fell down my shirt into my cleavage. I tried to get it out, but it was already melting. I got to work and got sucked into the craziness that was Monday morning... and I forgot about it. Until now, when I started itching and felt the melty glazed stickiness.

I would share it with Traci, but she is diabetic.

Oh. And Bean now has an aunt that is stepping forward and wants her.

Eff that.

I wonder if we have any marshmallows to roast?

Wednesday, October 24, 2012

trying to move forward

I read on the blog of a woman who has adopted ELEVEN children (holy crap) about a story on how she was going to the court date of her dear friends who were adopting out of the US foster care system.  She said.. "and for anyone who has been part of foster care you know that it is not for the faint of heart....It is a marathon of emotions, a feat of physical stamina and an experience that changes a person forever."

She nailed it.

THAT is how I feel.

Saying goodbye to Peanut Butter was THE SINGLE MOST difficult thing I have done. He was our kid. I know that I have friends who are really trying to understand why I seem just a little "off".  I am trying to get back to being me. I think there are glimpses of "the old me" every now and again. I wish it was the old THINNER me..  but yanno.

There are people who just don't understand that this isn't a typical parenting gig. Not only are we parents to these kiddos that may or may not stay..  but then we have to figure out how to "co-parent" (for lack of a better word atm) with a mentally ill (or whatever the situation may be) parent. Then schedule our lives around caseworkers, classes, visits, nurses...

I am not going to go on about how challenging it is, just take my word for it. It is a challenge.

And on top of it I am dealing with my son leaving.

I just can't brush it off.

He is gone.

I have taken down his pictures from my office walls, I can't watch the videos anymore. It isn't because I don't love him. It is because I have to move on.  It isn't because I want to forget. It is because I have to be here-- in the present -- for my family.  My future wife and my little Bean need me.

He will ALWAYS be in my heart.

A short month after he left, I am already looking back and saying.. my God.. he was my LIFE.. how did I DO am I still breathing after watching the car carrying him just drive away? In the same breath I am pretty damn proud of the mom I was to him. We had fun. Traci rocked it more than me.

She is having a difficult time with all of this. She is really struggling and I wish there was something I could do in order to help. I know it will take time, but I also want her to see how much we have still here. She said she is having a hard time bonding with Bean. I get it. But Bean and Peanut Butter are two different situations. Bean has no one. We are it. Her mom could NEVER care for her (knock on wood). 

I think it is funny.. or phunny...  In the foster care system, we have to take classes for EVERYTHING.. but I cannot find one class that would help with loss. We take care of these kids for sometimes YEARS and then they leave. We are just supposed to put our super woman cape of un emotionalness on and move forward.

I suppose I should really get back to work.

PS The house is coming together nicely. Traci and her bff, Sara, worked very hard at putting up the back splash in the kitchen..

Monday, October 8, 2012

moving in 1 days +1.

We had to push the move date back one day.  After a weekend of too much to do between tears, it just isn't going to happen tomorrow.  We are now shooting for Wednesday. 

Let me just say that my parents rocked it this weekend with Bean.  They volunteered to take this 5.5month diva for the whole day on Saturday. They are 74 years old. I didn't give them enough credit and gave them an opportunity to back out. When they dropped her off they were beaming and I think my dad really loved every moment about it. Now they are off to warmer weather, and I desperately want to visit them this year. I think it would be wonderful to be able to take Bean to see some palm trees.

Now she gets to go spend the next two days with Grandma up north.  She is an excellent Grandma.. Traci keeps saying she is a better grandma than mom. After hearing stories from her childhood and seeing her in action with the grand kids.. I am going to think that is probably true.

So, here is to packing the rest of the apartment after work in the next two days.  I am almost out of tears, so I am hoping this will go quickly.

Thursday, October 4, 2012

And Here we are.

In 24 hours, we will be moms to one 5 month old girl.

No longer will there be an 11 month old boy in the house that is taking 5 steps at a time on his own... until he gets SO excited he can't stop his legs from doing a little jig, as he falls over and screams in delight. There wont be any spitty open mouth kisses from a brown skin, curly haired nixnoox.

In 24 hours, we will  hand him off. 

I have no idea how Traci and I are going to be able to deal with this.

How does any foster parent deal with it?

He is supposed to stay. He is supposed to be part of this family. He isn't supposed to be raised by anyone else. I don't care if she gave birth to him. She isn't ready... but in the same breath she HAS to be ready. I don't want him to be pushed aside or go hungry.  She HAS to have changed. I won't accept anything else.

My brain flip flops. I know this has to happen. Traci and I have to move on with life, get ready for our wedding, raise this little Bean and get to know our new neighborhood.  I miss my girlfriend. Our apartment is about to fall in on itself from neglect, we have drive by kisses and hugs.. we have been simply surviving while wrapping ourselves in our protective barrier in order to somehow cushion this blow.

There is no cushioning, though. We are losing our son.

Thursday, September 27, 2012

All adult-n-shit.

In 3 short hours we have the final walk through of the house. Holy crap.

In 22 hours from now I have the closing the house.  Holy crap.

I suppose I should start packing, eh?

I am sure there are people out there that have grown up knowing that they were going to get married, own a home, have a couple of kids and all that fun stuff. I never was that girl. I figured I would have a kid or two, but knew I never had to give birth. I always thought I would be a renter because I didn't have enough faith in my abilities to buy a home of my own.

Looking back on this past year since Traci has come into my life, dreams have been unearthed and fulfilled. How freaking lucky am I? VERY!

So, Bean's mom is still AWOL. I wonder at what point they just say-- "eh.. yanno.. if she wanted the kiddo she probably would be doing what she needs to do to get her back... or at the very least stick around for more than two weeks at a time."  It is all very eye opening and a little sad. At least PB has a mom that will fight for him... even if she is a little looney bins. Bean's mom doesn't fight. There will be a day that she will ask me. How do I tell her? OH, honey bun... your mom.. well.. she may have loved you. But she REALLY loved getting paid for sex. oh.. did she WANT you? well... no.. she never came back. She just ran away at every chance she could ... with different men... she liked parties. Not the ice cream and cake kind of party.

Yeah. I am going to have to polish up that story.

Tuesday, September 18, 2012


He will be with us until October 5th.

The judge decided that October 31st was too long to wait for him to go home. He decided on October 5th because next week she will have trial for another of her children.... and it is going to be really stressful... and he didn't want her to get TOO stressed out with the trial.. having to wake up early... and take buses all with a little one.

I have no words.

I am done.

Monday, September 17, 2012

This is it..or is it?

Traci and I are going through the motions tonight... bath time.. pj time... sleepy time.  I broke down and cried once. Traci wont show me her tears right now, but I know they are there.

This is the last time we do this with Peanut Butter.

Or is it?

I got a call from the CW today. They are going forward with court tomorrow. I don't understand why there is court if this has already all been decided.... and she didn't explain. Tomorrow is the day that he is supposed to go back to his mom.

Because of my phone calls and cage rattling,  NOW the agency is trying to slow down everything. Too little too late? I suppose I am proud of myself for pushing back a bit. I am selfishly frustrated though as tomorrow is the date that we prepared our hearts for. We talked about what we were going to do.. take down his crib, give away his summer clothing etc.  Now.. court is at 9:30am and before noon we MIGHT find out that he is staying  "for a bit longer".  As if "a bit longer" will make his BM "better" after she has been going through this now for 8 years with PB's siblings.....or if he goes home.

I feel like I am in the middle of some crazy dream. As I was drying him off from his bath and putting him in his pjs, I just kept picturing him as an itty bitty when we picked him up from the hospital... and watched him grow to the almost 11 month old kid who is starting to take steps on his own.

We are trying to find faith in all of this and guard our hearts at the same time.

Thursday, September 6, 2012

Yes. I CAN be a pain in the ass.

I have reached out to anyone who will listen to me about PB.

I just got a call from the director of the the bureau of child welfare. She was very kind and explained they have no legal standing when it comes to foster kids.

This makes me cringe.

HUH? how can the BUREAU of CHILD *WELFARE* have no legal standing? She explained that the
D.A. makes all the decisions. She has informed her legal team about PB's situation and they are making "recommendations". But apparently they are being told to shove off.

I just sit here shaking my head.

In not so many words she told me to back off....that there is a fine line between being heard and being a nuisance.


We are lucky that BM wants contact with us. We will take advantage of that as much as we can to make sure PB is okay... and dammit... if we have to support him long distance.. that is what we are going to do. He will not suffer because of some lawyers who took 15 minutes to look at his file... and decide they knew it all...then sign an agreement with BM's attorney that they will not go for a protective custody order. 

This is NOT the last time the bureau will hear from me. I am NOT finished with the GAL and the ADA's. My voice will be heard. These kids deserve so much more!

PB doesn't have a horrible birth mom. At least she will fight for her kids. She loves them. I have to give her credit for that. Beans mom is AWOL again. This is the 4th time that she has ran since Bean has been born. But still... reunification is the goal.


Friday, August 31, 2012

My old blog.

I visited it again today and began to pick out random days to read.

It was interesting reading the daily going on's of life then. I had time to bake, go out with friends, read..nap.

I think about my life today and even if our house smells like a poopy diaper half the time and I haven't actually lit candles or had an uninterrupted hour of simply sitting with Traci in months, I wouldn't change it for the world.

This morning I dropped PB off at daycare and said goodbye to him until Monday.  This weekend I am not his mom. Someone else will be making decisions like where to take him, how to dress him.. someone else will be scooping him up out of his crib in the morning and cuddling with  him on the couch. 

This weekend I won't have to say "No glasses" "no blinds" "we don't bite" "This is nothing new- I change your diaper (insert: change clothes/put on pajamas/brush teeth/put you in your highchair) everyday--so you can stop crying" "no hair"...etc etc etc.. 1 million times a day. This weekend his little 10 month old brain will forget who I am and he will be living in the moment with his mom.

I will miss him.

Traci and I are stressed out to capacity. Literally one second we have talked it out and think we have figured out how to be "okay"... then 45 minutes later one of us is crying.

Ugh. Forget it. I don't want to write about this anymore!!!! I don't want to freaking THINK about this anymore!!! I just need this transition to be done.

Lets talk about something else, shall we?

My old blog.. full of memories of Mic. I look back at our 72 degree life together and think that it was exactly what I needed at that time in my life... until I realized it wasn't. When I left, I left her almost everything (brand new living room furniture, bedroom furniture, kitchen furniture, big screen tv, wii... the list goes on) except a chair, a bed & couch that were mine when I moved in. I gave her money every month for 4 months after I moved out to help with the mortgage (of a house that isn't in my name.. she had it before I moved in) and bills.

She sent me a text today.

She wants the cell phone back.

The phone that I paid for the service through September of this year -- even though I didn't use it. The phone that cost ONE CENT to purchase.

And she wants it back ASAP.


Tuesday, August 28, 2012

2 kids who have the runs = shitty times.

Ohh my sides. That joke. Hardeeharhar.

Yup. Both kids are sick.

I think God is trying to send us a message that 2 kids are/is (??) 1 kid too much for us.
We hear you God.

BM had an unsupervised visit yesterday.  She sent back the communication notebook mapping out EVERYTHING they did. I read it... and I actually felt pretty damn good about it. She might be a better mom than me.

At least she has all day to do things with him and doesn't have to go to a pesky job (bitter sarcasm).

We are starting to realized that THIS is ACTUALLY happening.  We have no control over it. Either we can remain bitter bitchy women.. or go forward. Realized we ROCKED it out .. and PB is a stinkin' awesome kid.

Oh. And that he will RUN HER over. He is BEYOND a nix-noox.

She wants us to be part of PB's life. Traci and I remain firm in our stance and believe that we cannot see him.  It would be far too hard.  We were thinking, though-- maybe we could send care packages or something like that.  I am not sure of the reason WHY we would do it, outside of the fact that it would just make us feel good.

This weekend is his first overnight weekend visit. It is going to be hard..  but I think this schedule was not only laid out for him and to make his transition a little easier... but for us too.  Little by little until he is gone. 

The Bean's mom ... is.. um.. challenged.

She believes that we are in charge of when and where we can drop her daughter off for her to keep her overnight "for weeks", and we should go to the judge and tell him/her to put BM on probation and that we are going to give Bean back to her. She is completely in denial about what is going on and even more so.. WHY it is going on. I can't imagine that she will be around for a long period of time.  The sad thing is that soon she will be 18 and have no one hunting her down or giving her a place to live. 

She has also asked us to pierce Beans ears, to start giving her bottles of ice cold tap water, and to not allow her to put her fingers in her mouth.

Yeah -  I will get right on it.
It has been slipping my mind that along with everything else that is going on ... we are going to be home owners at the end of September.. and we have to MOVE in October... and then we are getting MARRIED in March. Oh.. and squeeze in a California trip and a Florida trip in there, too.

This weekend I am going to a wedding with my Rebs. There are going to be 14 different DJ's spinning- and an open bar. Mama's gonna have to get some new dancin' shoes and go woop it up!!!! Traci is going to be taking The Bean up north to see her bestie... it is going to be a GREAT weekend.. I wont allow anything else.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Figuring it all out.

People keep asking... how are you?

Well in the last week.. in my heart it has been horrible. I have been a mess. I have been on the edge of crying all the time.

In my mind I have been spinning and kicking myself for ever signing up for this gig in the first place.

But TODAY... I am doing okay TODAY..  Traci and I have decided that we need to stop being SOOOOOO sad about Peanut Butter leaving. It is going to be HARD but.. technically.. we did our job .. and did it well. We have a LOT to look forward to.. and we have the LOUDEST baby on earth (Bean) to watch over and enjoy. 
We have to have faith that the people who will be dropping in for the next year checking on Peanut Butter will be doing their jobs and have his best interest at hand.
The HARDEST HARDEST HARDEST part is that we have NO SAY and NO CONTROL in any of it...
but.. we will be okay... so will he. 
I don't think this is the last time we see him. I have a feeling he will be back. I hope that she totally doesn't eff him up like she did the brother when she had him for a hot minute, and then was returned. But we would take him back, hot mess and all.  

Friday, August 17, 2012

working through this.

We have had a couple of days to let this settle in.

Traci and I have to be honest with ourselves... we always thought this might happen. We have to step back and realize how awesome it has been that we have been able to see this kid grow right in front of our eyes.

Yesterday he took three steps at daycare. We want it to happen on our watch.. we want to be there for his first word.. his first steps.. we have one month to make it happen.

God works in magnificent ways.

It clicked the other day ..

1.  We found a church we love after looking for a while.. and we will need the support of those there.
2.  The way this house is working out- we will be able to move in with a fresh slate... it would have
     been horrible to move in and THEN find out this information.. and have to take his room down
     and de-Peanut Butter.
3.  We have baby C. She will now be an only child.. and will be spoiled rotten.
4.  We have each other. I know that I wouldn't have been able to do this with anyone else other
     Traci. Mic NEVER would have been able to deal or to be a support.. or would have been able
     to communicate about it or anything.  Yet another reason Traci and I were brought together.

We WILL be okay. Peanut Butter WILL be okay. 

The inspection for the house was yesterday-- there are some issues.. we told the seller to fix or we walk. I hope he fixes.. I like the joint.


PS Sorry about all the swearing in previous posts. It happens.

Wednesday, August 15, 2012


The GAL came tonight. The first time in 10 months... Ironically AFTER the decision was made to send PB home.

She had the balls to ask Traci and I...would you be interested in being respite for PB?

We were speechless. Finally I was able to say.... If BM is going to be a full time mom... She can figure out her own respite.

What I wanted to say was you ho bag.. She has had TEN MONTHS of respite. We have been through the ringer with BM... You think we want to help her now? After she has wrongly thrown us under the damn bus more than 20 times? Take your respite and shove it up your ass.


We got word today.

Peanut Butter will be going home.

His mother is going from 2 visits a week... transitioning into partially unsupervised visits... then overnight visits. September 14th he will not be with us any longer.

She doesn't work. She doesn't have transportation. She doesn't have enough money to pay for his food once WIC runs out. She doesn't believe in sickness.

This system is fucked.

I am so sad.. words cannot even even describe the sadness.

And if one more person comes up to me and says... well.. as a foster parent you kind of knew this was going to happen.. they can all jump off a fucking bridge.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Fit and Able.

I received a call last week from Peanut Butters caseworker. Apparently BM had a psych evaluation and she was found to be a "fit and able mother". And then *poof* I was the Queen of England.. because that is RIDICULOUS.

CW stated that overnight visits may be granted if the judge agrees with the test.

The -- at minimum--NINTH psych evaluation she has done... she probably could have conducted it herself. This evaluation was supposed to happen in the "magical 90 day" period of time that they said she had in order to get all of the stuff done she needed. The judge played hardball and even had her sign something stating she was going to get it done in that time frame. 140 days later.. we have a psych evaluation.

This Judge/Courts/CW relationship with BM is starting to remind me of your typical Dr. Phil unhealthy teen and parent relationship you see flooding the tv's and, hell, facebook.. even in our own extended families. "I say you need to do this because I am the boss" then the kid doesn't.. then the parent gets mad... then threats are made... then the kid finally decides to kiss some ass.. and parent forgets all threats and nothing is followed through on. The court system is probably the closest thing to a parent that BM has ever had.

Pre-trial is today. Jury trial is next week.

After that I will have a better idea if Peanut Butter is going to stick around. I hope he does. I get sick every time I think otherwise.

In other news, Bean's mom is MIA. Yup people.. she is AWOL .. gone daddy gone. She has been "choosing a different location to lay her head" for about 2 weeks. I got an email from the caseworker that said this.. "I had a meeting with the visitation worker, and we have decided to stop  visits until BM returns".


You had to have a meeting to figure out that Bean and her BM can't have visits until BM returns? Lady- you are too smart for your own stinkin' good. Thankfully you went to college for this career.


But instead I said, "okay".

And then in tiny little letters underneath that I typed, "You sure are no Einstein, huh Suzy Putz?"

No..  you are right.. I didn't.



We bought a house.

I know. Crazy shit, huh?

A little tiny ranch in a cute little neighborhood that surrounds a park. We got it at a price that will afford us the ability to do some updates ... new windows.. and new light fixtures.. do something fun with the fireplace.. yanno, stuff like that. The basement is completely ready for a bathroom and to be finished off.  Here are some pictures :

Living Room


The dining room they are using as an office

first bedroom of three

2nd bedroom of 3

Back yard.

Before you know it we will have our little crazy family running around singing songs, laughing and breathing life into the walls.

Thursday, July 26, 2012


Why not buy a house while planning a wedding and raising two kids who are 5 months apart?

Tuesday, July 17, 2012

The Foster Care System

Is a total mind fuck. Excuse the language.

Yesterday morning I get an email from the caseworker for The Bean stating that the bio mom is moving to 3 visits a week- and then she will go to community visits.

Mom is 17, a foster child herself, can't read or write and has severe mental issues. We were called as The Beans adoptive resource. We were on the ADOPTION LIST to avoid situations like this.

I literally feel like my head is going to explode. I am over this. I am over missing work and running this child everywhere and bending over backwards for this system who is screwing the foster parents over just as much as they are screwing the foster KIDS over. 

I have this feeling in my gut that a year from now we are going to be kid-less and have to start collecting cats, pie tins for our heads and begin gardening so we have a place to put our uterus's when they fall out.

Sunday, July 15, 2012

Life with two

Life has been messy, crazy, busy, hurried, dirty and sometimes I am to the point where I want to pull out my hair. Thankfully there have been days recently that are a little LESS messy, crazy, busy etc., and that gives me faith that our fun days will be back again. There are definitely glimpses of it.  We have gotten the Little Bean on something for her reflux in combination with a new formula, it seems as if we have a new happy little baby on our hands. This pleases T-Ma and I very much. She is showing her big bright eyes, she is coo-ing.. and giving us huge goofy smiles.

Traci and I were starting to feel super disconnected.. we both hated it. I asked my sister if she didn't mind taking PB and The Bean for the day yesterday. My other sister was there as well with my niece and nephew, and it turned out to be a blast for my kids. They stayed overnight. YESSSSSSS. That gave Traci and I THE.WHOLE.DAY.  We went to an open house, went hiking, to some parks, out to dinner, to the casino and then back home. We woke up, went to church and then to lunch before picking up the kids. It was the best day. We took our time and just DID whatever we felt. We reconnected. We talked and held hands. It was a perfect day.  I missed the kids, but man, before you could say "go" we were back to reality. Yesterday (and this morning) was a real blessing. I don't want to quickly forget it, and maybe someday it will happen again.

We received our Save the Dates in the mail on Thursday. They turned out pretty cute. I ordered them from Vista Print of all places- so I didn't pay much for them. I would absolutely recommend the service! There is so much to do for the wedding. It is amazing that with everything that is going on in our lives.. we still have a wedding coming up. It really gives me something to look forward to that is for US.

PB is 8 months now and crawling all over. Pulling himself up on everything he can find and trying to take steps on his own. Is 8 months a little early for that? I kind of feel like it is. He also just wrote his name in cursive. Weird. haha. kiddin'.  He is talking gibberish ALL THE TIME. He gets that from T-Ma. She is a good talker. He has about 9 or 10 teeth now and wants to bite bite bite. Poor kiddo is getting his back teeth, too.

Maybe someday I will write about all the crazy stuff that is going on in my life now-- how much fun Traci and I are having on all of our adventures. Right now we are in survival mode.


Sunday, June 24, 2012

who would have thought?

I should have been more honest with myself when we said okay to this new kiddo. 

For some reason that I am totally unsure of, I thought it was going to be relatively easy. How wrong can one person be? Because I was THAT wrong.  I thought hey.. we were just through all of this just 42 seconds ago with hard can it be with this little bean? She is SUCH a different baby (of course- duh) and is pretty much opposite of PB when he was 2 months.

Traci and I have had a rough week. The lack of sleep and horrible diet has absolutely caught up with us. Even with the challenges, I absolutely would not want to be on this journey with anyone else. 

The Bean is laying here in my arms kind of balancing on the table as I type this. Overall, even when I am at the brink of madness at 2am.. I have to remember that she is a blessing. God brought her to us for a reason and we will do everything in our power to make sure she is loved and supported in everything she does.

We have two children here that come from long lines of dysfunction. Now, I am no saint and my past isn't paved with jellybeans, but I think we can break the cycle... or at least give it a good college try.

Now I have to go learn about how I take care of this little beans hair. There are so many rules!

I love that she is just laying here staring at me. I think she likes the sound of the keyboard.

In other news, PB is crawling like CRAZY and pulling himself up on everything. He is chuck full of personality and always has a smile on his face. His giggle is infectious.  I wish I could share it with you all. Maybe someday.


Monday, June 11, 2012

eyes are widening..

With PB we have been lucky to get a couple of caseworkers that will give us information if talked to in the correct manner. Thankfully I have sales in my background and because of that understand how to communicate with different personality types. This has worked in my favor a few times.

I think in Bean's case, it is going to be a little bit more difficult. I have yet to meet her, and she is brand-spankin' new out of school. It sounds like she is completely overwhelmed, and doesn't know her right foot from left. But maybe that is the situation for most of the bureau.  Case in point... we have realized that I am only licensed for one child, Traci's license hasn't been completed yet.  How in the world do we have this little Bean in our home? It is crazy how similar both BM's stories (from what I know so far) are.  I think she is absolutely meant to be with us. 

Her eyes are widening. It is adorable. I don't think she got much attention in the group home that mom abandon her in. We aren't sure exactly how long she was there. I believe a number of weeks. You can already see her starting to change with the attention and love we have been able to shower on her.

I have made a promise to myself to not get so caught up in the mama drama. I have no control over it anyways. I don't want to miss a moment of these kiddos.  I am going to figure out how to use the dumb little video camera thing I have and we are going to fire it up. I am going to take 234283 pictures with a real camera and GET THEM DEVELOPED I will put them in books and frames love every moment of being a crafty mom.


Sunday, June 10, 2012

We did it!

We got through the first 24 hours as a family of four. The new little Bean did wonderful. We went to Pride, took some swoops around the grounds. I know we would have stayed longer if it wasn't 56874 degrees. That is weird about Pride in Milwaukee.. it is either hot enough to fry your face off, or you are wearing mittens. I prefer the mittens.

We went to my cousin's birthday party after the fest and the Bean was welcomed with open arms. It made me tear up for a moment. I underestimate my family. I need to stop that.

Today we are going to the Pride Parade and then back to the house to make it look less like an episode of Hoarders. I don't even want to THINK about the basement.

Between yesterday and today, I am finding it more apparent that people without kids tend to make distance with those that have kids.. I am missing some of my friends...and I wish Anne and Amy lived closer.  I guess this is my new life. I am happy about it. I just wish I had a larger community around me. Maybe it will happen with the new people I am meeting?

Okay. Time for a bath for Bean. She still smells like the group home.


Saturday, June 9, 2012

Suddenly a family of four

Two days ago Traci and I were sitting on the porch after a really crappy day. We were playing with PB and just trying to relax after the day. I looked at PB and thought to myself... maybe one is enough. Let's find out what happens to him first.. and if he doesn't stay with us, go back on a list.

Then we slept, then I went to work.. and then the phone call came. They have a baby. 2 months old. Mom is 17 and in foster care herself. AWOL all the time- was in a group home, now in Juvenile Detention. Prostitute.. no idea who the father is.

Of course we said bring her to us.

How could we not?

After 24 hours, I am warming up to this little squished face, chubby cheek soul.  She sure is different than PB, but wonderful all the same.

Oh. And she isn't 2 months. She is SIX WEEKS.

Traci is taking off a week, we will get daycare lined up for her, and she will be good to go!

Meanwhile.. the drama never stops with PB's BM.  She is always there.. in the background.. doing everything BUT the things she needs to do to get her kiddos back.  I can't say I am upset about this.

This weekend is Milwaukee's Pride weekend.. usually I would be in the middle of my 7th drink, running into people down at the lakefront.. doing some serious people watching and just acting a fool.

This year.. well.. a bit different. I just went and picked up our "limo" .. a double stroller. We are going to pack up the crew and head down to the lakefront just for a bit. It is hot out today. Maybe shop for a min.. see who we run into, and then head over to my cousins for a little birthday gathering.

People want to meet our new addition.. and I am excited to share her.

She needs lots of love. She has a lot of growing and thriving to do!

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

And then you get a glimpse.

Things have been the same with PB. He is growing like a weed, and Traci has taught him to fake cough. So he does this little cough and then laughs his head off.  This WILL bite her in the ass at some point.. I am sure of it.. but it will probably be funny then, too.

We all have been sick in the house with the stomach flu. BM didn't believe that he was sick- and now believes that, while he was recovering and went to a visit- we asked to only feed bland rice cereal... well.. we are DEMANDING and reported that to the visitation worker.

*eye roll*

It is all exausting.

So. Here is the gig. I was on the news yesterday. I did an interview for a program that we have going on at work. 

The interview went fine.. blah blah blah.. I could do crap like that in my sleep. I knew I wasn't going to look pretty-- I know I am a big girl. But when I saw the clip I was horrified. HORRIFIED. I felt like turning off my computer, going home, and locking myself in my room. My stomach sunk, I couldn't take my eyes off of myself. I looked like something on a TLC "before" show... where they have to get a special car to get the person to the gastric  bypass doctor and he doesn't even know if he can DO the surgery because the person is so gigantic. Yes. THAT is what I looked like.

Yesterday was hard. SO HARD. I cannot believe I have allowed myself to get this large.

So. As much as I wanted to wallow in my sorrows, order a pizza and cry all night... Traci dragged my sorry ass out for a 4 mile walk (and now I have blisters on my toes). Then I contacted my old personal trainer, and we are meeting today. 

Shit stops now. I am a mom. I am going to be getting married. I want to be alive.

I have all this damn shake mix... LOL


Here goes nothing.

Wednesday, April 18, 2012

Diet. That one that started weeks ago? The one I have to restart.

I bought diet shake mix. It will work. I know it will. I did it for one week, and I felt FANTASTIC. Since then, life has happened.. I haven't gone to the grocery store. And I need a hand held shaky thing that I manually shake for lunches. As in this office - a blender cannot be found.

What made me sad:

The second box of it was delivered yesterday.

Do you know how far behind that makes me and my fat ass? FAR. I should have the 1st box gone. Uh. not quite.

I foresee a trip to Target this weekend to find that shaky hand held cup whatcha ma-callit.


I am madly in love with my girl. It goes beyond everything that I could possibly write in this blog. Big words are not common coming out of my mouth. For instance, I was going to say.. big words aren't my forte, but then I had to look up forte... so see.. it just isn't natural.

Anyways.. even if I could write down all of those big words describing how happy I am in my life right now.. they wouldn't do it justice.

Even with all of the foster care bitching .. I feel so lucky that I even have the opportunity to bitch about it. As, if I were still living my previous life, I don't know if it would have come to be.
Traci and I TALK. We visit churches, we both want a family, we love traditions, we know that life can be completely NUTS.. but we sit down together every night and have dinner together. Even if it is take out. At night we fall asleep in our snuggly double bed, holding hands. smooshed up against one another.

I believe in love again. I believe in mutual respect.

My previous life was nothing to complain about, but it lacked so much. Nothing that was expensive or hard to find or rare. It lacked the simple... the everyday passion. The passion that can even be found by shoving mail and notes and crap out of the way to sit down at the dining room table and talk about our day.

I have the love that I have always wanted. The love that I would see other people share and wish that, in my previous life.. I could just at least get a sample of. Now here I am. Living my dream. God is good. His plan may not always be the easiest to see.. but that is what faith is, right? Knowing we are going through the puddles of mud in order to get to the sunny shores.

Ah yes. I am a lucky girl. I am proud to be one.


Tuesday, April 17, 2012

As much as I don't want to share this information....

Man.. Kids really DO take a lot of time... of course in a wonderful way. Even not so wonderful ways.. but I wont complain about those, because I am blessed with this little nugget of joy that is giggling in his crib right before he falls asleep... ON HIS OWN.


The trial. BM was given 90 days. 90 days to accomplish a list of things that if you or I were given them... we would have them done in about 7 days.

Apparently this list in BM's world means that, if accomplished, she has the right to get PB back.


You read that correctly. She gets him back.

A list with things like... "work well with case workers" on it.

WTF?!?!?! How does THAT prove she will be a stable mother?  Be nice. Smile. Comb your hair. If you do those things. BOOM. You have proven you are a fit mom and can raise your children.

Traci and I are really struggling with this information.  There are things that are getting me through this. I have probably mentioned them a million times here, but I will again. BM could be a really HORRIFIC person, and honestly- she isn't. She has some mental issues... that if she would just DO something about, could probably be overcome. She isn't a crack whore. She isn't abusive. She isn't a LOT of things. So, if a kiddo had to go back to a mom... I have to be make it okay in my brain that BM isn't a whole lot of things that are far worse than what she is.

On the bright side... apparently this list is very similar to the one that she has had since PB was detained. She hasn't done it in 5 months. Will she do it in 90 days? I don't know.

I got word today that she is going for VISITS with the two older kids... that have been in foster care for 6 years.. and haven't seen her in 2 years. Yes. Some asswipe of a judge ordered visits. These poor kids. HOW is that best for them? They need stability. They need a forever family.

My head spins when I think of it. I went into the urgent care last night and was diagnosed with bronchitis. Today I was supposed to be sleeping all day. Instead I dealt with caseworkers ALL DAY.
Not cool.. I knew that "the system" was fucked.. but MAN it is effed BAD.

Traci and I have talked it over. We want to adopt. That is our goal. I have never had as much stress as I have had while dealing with "the system'. So- we are going to get another bed, get some information on some older kiddos... probably under older I mean that they REALLY don't have to be newborns. So.. onward we go with that.

I found a foster parent support group. It was nice to get out with Traci and get some information and fellowship EXACTLY when we needed it. Everyone has a story and on the scale of stories.. ours is far from a horror story.  I need to be very careful about who I vent to. There is always someone living a more difficult situation than I am.

In other news. Traci is my freakin' super hero. I have been SICK AS HELL and she has taken care of me, the house and PB. She hasn't complained once... I love her. I can't wait to get married and show her off as my wife :)

Okay. Now I am going to scour craigslist for a convertible crib/toddler bed.... and move forward knowing I cannot change the situation with PB I can only have faith that I have given him everything I could have.

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

feeling a bit out of it.

I have been working a home and garden expo for the last week and a half, and, as has been happening constantly over the last 5 months.. I have picked up something.  My throat is on fire, I have blown brain matter out of my sinuses... I am a hot mess.

Yesterday the "you had no right to take my babies" trial started for BM.

I think. I am waiting patiently to hear what is happening from our NEW ROCKING CASE WORKER. And I am NOT kidding you. So far she is clearly the MVP.

I have to take another swig of this magic codeine. I love it better than Riesling.

Saturday, March 24, 2012

Next week

In the midst of working non stop at an expo, I will be speaking with the new case worker.. and will have a meeting with the GAL.  I have a feeling I will be finding out lots of new information. I will keep you updated on what kind of information.

PB was wonderful today-- even with snot dripping out of his nose and sleep deprived... he and I sang songs and he laughed... it was a wonderful laugh. The kind that isn't baby and on the verge of big boy. It was a wonderful moment... I was sitting on the couch and he was standing as I held him facing towards me. I swayed him back and fourth as I sang "You Are My Sunshine".  He laughed and laughed.. it was perfect.

Now I am going to put my feet up and take these dumb clothes off and get into an old lady moo moo.
And if you think I don't have an old lady moo moo you are wrong. I love it and I call it my moomzy.

Wednesday, March 21, 2012

Brudda's court

Was postponed yet ANOTHER month.

There is so much more,  but I am just too exhausted to re-hash it all.

PB is sleeping.. I am going to, too.

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Court for a sibling

Tomorrow starts the court proceedings for PB's brother (Brudda) who has been in foster care for 5 years... this is attempt #2 at being TPR'd (termination of parental rights).  The last court proceeding was delayed.

Last Thursday I picked PB up from a visit. Bio mom comes out with the kids and the facilitation worker. It hit me like a ton of bricks... this could be the last time that Brudda gets to see PB and his bio mom. I wanted to cry right there. What could he be thinking? Does he even know? Is BM upset? Does she think that this TPR wont be granted and he will return home with her? She then had Brudda give PB a kiss just like she does at every visit. I wanted to swoop down and give Brudda a big hug and kiss and tell him that if something happens, I will contact his new parents and I will make SURE that he sees PB and they know they are brothers.

Don't worry... I didn't.

But I *WILL* ask the new caseworker if this is allowable... because I think that is SO important.

On a different note.. wedding plans are coming together.. we have a photographer. Now to lose 231829 pounds so I will let the photographer take pictures of me.

Monday, March 12, 2012

I have to remember

In this world of foster care that I need to ease up a bit on BM.

Today in our communication notebook, I stated that PB has a cold and is congested. It seems like we have been battling this same cold ... with easier moments than others... since January when he had RSV. 

She apparently didn't like the outfit I sent him in (um. it was adorable) so, she put on shoes that were too small, a short sleeve onesie and a sweatshirt that was two sizes too small... all brown. He looked like a mini UPS driver... anyways.. she sent the clothes and blanket and coat I sent him in back in a plastic bag with a note ripped out of a notebook that says:

"use vicks plug-ins and sit in a bathroom with a steamy shower... thatll help"

I am not sure why these notes of hers  make me roll my eyes and slap my forehead. I think maybe because I don't like it when people don't think I am smart enough to figure things like that out.

What I really need to do is look at this from her perspective. Someone else is raising her child. A child that she didn't give up on her own.. that was taken from her. If she SHOULD have custody of him or not, isn't really what I am talking about. What I am saying is that she loves him and wants to take care of him on her own. I would be telling the people that had my baby the same things.

But then I would also want to KNOW everything about what my baby is doing... and she has never asked.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

PB update.

The horse costume has gone into retirement. People have wanted me to take a picture of him in it, but it actually makes me SO SAD to put it on him, I can't really find it in me to do that.

He had his 4 month check up today. BM didn't come.. she said her bus leaves too early. Do you know how many comments I wanted to make?

Oh. And his case worker was fired. The one that said that she  " just don't want to get involved." when I would go to her with some concerns. I am pretty sure THAT IS HER JOB.

I am not disappointed by this news.

Anyways.. he was a little trooper. He is just over 16 lbs and in the 75th percentile for height. We spoke with the doctor about some of his eating issues and things. Doc said, that because of where he is in his development, we can start introducing a bit of rice cereal into his formula. I was really kind of set back, as WIC pretty much makes you sign a dotted line in your blood that you will NEVER give a child anything prior to 6 months.
I am not sure if this is to prevent people from sharing a malt from Dairy Queen with your 2 month old... but when Dr. said that, in my head I questioned him. My mom was a WIC nurse, they are some smart people there. But, my doctor seems pretty darn with it, too :)  I am going to do what he says, but I also want to run it by my mom, cuz that is how I roll. I make most decisions after getting 32 peoples input.

Oh- and yesterdays visit was a big ol' tranny mess.. and PB came home HOURS early. BM had a tantrum, threw a stroller (thankfully without him in it) threw her coffee.. and had some not so nice things to say to the visitation worker. 

And home he came.

Have I mentioned lately how much I wish I had a crystal ball? Have I mentioned lately that in one month she may get him back. Barf.

Traci starts her foster care classes this weekend. She is from a little town up north. This is gonna blow her mind. LOL

Speaking of my mom (I was, wasn't I?). She sent an email today saying "We don't care if what you are doing is un-traditional or not, we love you and want you to be happy.. .NOW CALL US." I emailed her telling her I would call her tomorrow. I don't know what it is with my family and their god forsaken fear of phones. Or is it communication in general. Ah. Yeah.

Okay, I am finally going to put this computer down, say a prayer that PB in some miracle of miracles wont wake up tonight, and I am going to smoosh up next to my fiance. ahhaha. Fiance. I can't even say it without a horrible fake french accent.




I am sitting right here in my bed, my woman is sawing logs beside me, and I am READING BLOGS.

Maybe now I can get work done during the day instead of fake working and feeding my addiction.

Traci said to me as we were playing with PB... "Honey! When he goes to sleep, we can go in bed, I can sleep and you can stay up all night on Pinterest!"

She knows how to make me happy.

Monday, March 5, 2012


It is sad that my parents nor sisters really have said anything. My sisters at least sent a "yay." text.

My parents....silence.

I will give them their time. But I won't regret sharing with them, or the decision to marry her.

Saturday, March 3, 2012

One simple question...

And the next second...

I'm getting married...

I love sitting on the couch with Traci at night. In the quiet we sit as I rub lotion on her hands and we talk about our day.

Two nights ago we were enjoying this time and we got on the topic of weddings. She asked if I would ever marry her. I said of course I would. She is that a yes? And I sort of looked at her. Then she pulled the box out of her pocket and asked one more time.

The moment was perfect. Just she and I. We hugged and kissed and cried.

Then the rush started ... Texting emailing... Phone calls.

People have been so kind and I think genuinely excited for us... I have burst into tears about 27 times thinking about how NICE everyone is.

Here is a picture of the ring... But it is what is in the background (if you can see it) that REALLY matters :)

Thursday, February 23, 2012

Mama got some new shoes.

I needed some retail therapy the other day, so we packed up and headed to the mall. My dad has always been a big componant of retail therapy and he is actually the one to teach me about it. When I think about it, I laugh. He has taught me so much... I wish I would have listened to more.

Anyways- I looked at my ragg'd old shoes I was wearing and immediately headed to the shoe department at Boston Store.

I bought far too many for far too much.

Today I have a high version of a lesbian loafer on. Well structured. Black. Lesbian sheik. I have my boot cut dark jeans, a cute sweater, funky necklace, make up and my herrr is did.

The other day I actually put on some make up and Traci said to me... "honey, what are you doing different... your eyes look soft and there is black stuff on your eyelashes.... you look so pretty!" she is such an adorable butch. God I love her. That made me realize that I have gotten into "mommy mode" and a picture of me could have, at any time, been shown on a crappy daytime talk show with a black bar over my eyes as the "DON'T BE THIS WOMAN" example.

I function better when I feel better.

Side note: PB came home yesterday from his bio mom's visit dressed in a horse outfit. Granted, he was the cutest stinkin' horse around. Mane, tail, hooves and all. I ooh'd and aahh'd over him.. she was VERY proud. She said she thought that this was a good option for him to wear while it was too warm to wear his snow suit and not warm enough to just go with a light jacket.

Well.. okay.. she was thinking. A horse costume wouldn't have been my first choice...  but it is good that she was thinking about PB.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012


I called Traci with this "ohmygodthisisgoingtodrivemefuckingbattyandIAMOVERIT" and she, like she always does.. had a calm response. "She is mentally ill.. we don't know where she is coming from today".

I agree with that statement. But also, I don't.

She may have a mental illness... and I know she loves her babies.. but she wants custody. If she believes that I, somehow, have breastmilk for him... Uhhh.. there is something wrong there. Or.. if she had Peanut Butter in her care, and he was starving because she insisted on BF'ing him when she wasn't providing enough... because she believes that is the only route to go... again.. disconnection.

In other news: I get to go home and nap today. I need one. And then pray to the menstral Gods that I get my period istead of flip-flopping between eating everything in site (including another piece of red velvet cake) and bawling my eyes out because I just dropped my phone. Again.

Foster obsessed? (sorry- another rant)

Traci and I had a fantastic conversation the other night. Parents of any nature can relate to each other through their activities and experiences of their children. It is SO VERY DIFFERENT for parents of foster children or adoptive children. We still relate to the "hey how old was Johnny when he .. blahblahabla" .. but they will NEVER understand how it feels to be a glorified babysitter for someone else while the birth parent/s do or they don't get their shit together. They may or may not take 1 month to 5 years to do that. Possibly will or wont show up to visits. Can't even leave the state without permission- and trying to get a hold of someone FOR that permission takes weeks.... so no spur of the moment ANYTHING as not only do you need permission but you have to work around visitation schedules that change on, sometimes, a daily basis.

No. No one can relate to that except other parents who are going or have been through it.

No one can understand, either, the fear of creating a bond. Don't get me wrong.. I LOVE PB. ADORE him. I would NEVER allow anything bad to happen to him. But to think.. well.. we MIGHT have him past April.. we MIGHT not.... and he may get driven away in a car and I would never see him again.

I knew that all of this was part of foster care. But even when I was told about it, I didn't think it sounded THAT bad. Newsflash: it is. The whole system is so messed up.

I tried to reach out to BM again today. I wanted to know, even though I signed something stating I would never email or post photos of PB, that if she would like, I could email them to her... but only if she were comfortable with that... as I don't have much time to get photos developed and I think it is important to have her see that her son is well taken care of. I told her stories of things he has been up to and talked about how well he is doing in daycare, etc. I also told her when the next doctors appointment is- and the things that I would like to cover at the appointment. One thing I would like to discuss is when I would be able to put a little bit of rice cereal in PB's bottle. He just isn't getting full.. and he seems to have a bit of reflux.



My response: Thank you for your input.

Yes. I am so careless that I will let you son choke and die. I am not giving him steak, woman. I am asking the doctor about putting a teaspoon to a tablespoon of rice cereal in his milk. If he is hungry, I am not going to make him suffer, if it will help the reflux... and the doctor says it is fine, I will do it. And, BM... I DON'T HAVE ANY BREAST MILK. Where am I supposed to get it, the breast milk tree I have in my back yard?

She refuses to send any milk on she says it is too hard for her to carry it.   She refuses to send any home from her in home visit - as she says she doesn't trust the visitation facilitator to handle it correctly. Hey. BM. She is driving your son around the city and 45 minutes to see you. I think she will do okay with your breast milk.

When I try to talk to PB's caseworker about this.. she said "she doesn't want to get in the middle".


Kinda your job.

I can COMPLETELY understand why foster families don't stay in the system. Yes. There is a TON of emotions you have to deal with... and there is a TOTALLY BROKEN SYSTEM you have to deal with too.

I think of all the kids who could benefit from homes like mine... and it makes me SO SAD to know that because of the kind of BS I have had to deal with- people like me are leaving foster care all the time.

My life is wonderful outside of this stress, it really is. I am sorry to my readers that I have been using this as a ranting tool.. I just need to get it off my chest, and again, no one REALLY gets it.


Back to work.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

I have a heart on.

For real. I do. It's Valentines people... GET WITH IT! I stinkin' LOVE this holiday. I think because there is so much glitter and everything is pink and red. We brought big pink and red cupcakes to PB's daycare teachers. They were scarfed up in a matter 3 min and they gave Traci the plate to bring home. Now I have a fear that they are starving and I want to make them a nice stew or something. I brought a big red velvet cake into work for the girls. They didn't scarf as much... but it was probably because they were each on their 8th bag of dip stick sugar things.. where you lick the stick and then you dip it in sugar. If I only had a nickel every time I did that. Hardy harhar.


I feel like I have hit a brick wall with blogging. I want to share everything and not have fear. Show you pictures, tell you details... but I dare not.

In reality I am a big mess.

I am looking for another foster family to cling on to and to take residency under their wing. I feel as if the caseworkers and the agency in general are looking at me thinking... Get OVER it. Just DO WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO.

Side note...

I JUST got a call from daycare that PB has his two bottom teeth in. um. HE IS THREE MONTHS OLD. He has not complained or cried or anything. He has been his happy self!!!  I FREAKED on the phone. The teacher was laughing at my reaction.

HE IS OLD NOW. oi oi oi.

Monday, February 6, 2012

Hey peeps..

quick update for those who still check in...

  • Traci is getting her foster license.. and moving in in March.
  • Baby T is doing fantastic and besides his never ending cold, he is as cheerful as can be... GOD how I wish I could share pictures. You would wanna squeeze him TIGHT!
  • I got a promotion at work.
  • We are organizing everything in the apartment so we can say "yes!" to kiddo number 2.
  • Prayers are being said multiple times a day that this trial in April will work to our benefit. 
I don't know if I mentioned this earlier. When I was in the hospital to pick up T, the nurse was showing me this paperwork I had to take to the doctors the next day.. all creepy and slow like... and saying... "all of these paaaapperrss have information about BIRTH MOM on them... sooooooo.... because you are walking through the hospital with them... I am going to put them in this envelope...soooooooo....(unsealed)"

I totally didn't get it THEN, but when I got home and explained what happened.. I was gonked on the head and told DUH.. she wants you to look at them. Well.. so i did... and then I took pictures of them. My theory was that if T would stay with us, I wanted to provide as much information about his mom that I could. I was looking over those pictures the other day and just thinking... LOOK at all of this... there is NO WAY that BM can take care of these kiddos. nope. NO WAY.  I hope that the judge and jury think the same thing.

Side note.. is it horrible for me to hope she falls off the deep end?

I sound like a horrible person, don't I?

UGH. I just want this kiddo to stay around, that's all.

Monday, January 23, 2012


Vegas kicked ASS. Honestly. How freaking lucky am I that I was able to GO, bring my girlfriend, and have EVERYTHING paid for?!?? Yeah, I am totally bragging.

I could go back for another week-- I didn't do NEARLY as much as I wanted to, and we did a LOT! My favorite thing? Traci and I jumped off the Stratosphere. Yeah. Its true. This short fatty with a humongous fear of heights took the leap. I would recommend it. I did it at night. It was AWESOME.

These aren't good pictures.. but they are proof. :)

On the baby front:

I love this little kiddo. My frustration with "the system" have come to a boil. BM is stating there is no reason that PB was removed from her care. Yeaaahh, BM, no reason. Not for him, his brothers and sister or the two "mystery kids" that you keep saying you had. Uh huh.

All kidding aside, it makes me nervous. I want PB around for a long time. Long. Forever long. What if there is some weirdo who thinks she is okay to take custody of him? I would worry about him She now wants me to call and meet with her brother for him to give me breast milk for the baby. Are you kidding me? No way in hell that I am going to meet with some dude who just happens to be the brother of the woman whose CHILD IS IN MY CARE. She doesn't work, she pumps milk and goes on the computers at the library. She can figure it out. Not to mention she hasn't gotten any to me in almost a month. Newsflash, BM: it takes more to be a mother than pumping milk.

So much more to the story. I get exhausted talking about it, though. I get  bitter when I talk about it too much. I know I am doing my job, and doing it well. He is ADORABLE and happy and ahead of the game. That is what matters.

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Lets not go back there, k?

The little Peanut Butter is on the mend. The nurses were so kind to him while we were there and every single one of them commented on how freakin' cute he is. I wanted to feel proud.. But I have nothing to do with that lol. I did feel proud, though, when he would show off his smiles and giggles... That's me. I will take responsibility for his happiness :)

My girl was there too. You know she digs you and your foster son when she squeezes her almost 6ft frame on a 4 ft couch.

PB is out of daycare for a week. That flippin' germ house.

I need to get Internet. Blogging from.a phone is re-donk. My thumbs ache.

Sunday, January 8, 2012


Here we sit in Children's Hospital and little peanut butter has RSV. This icky cold has progressed into something icky-er and I finally made the decision to bring him in last night. I did everything I could at home with the humidifiers, snot suckers, saline drops, etc. Then the wheezing started. Ugh. Poor little man.

He is in the best care possible here, though. Now if I could just catch a nap.

We will be here until tomorrow.

Amazing, really- this mom gig. Making these decisions for a little peanut that completely depends on me. As I sit in this room alone with him (Traci had to leave for work) I realize just how major this is. I realize this is just exactly where I want to be. That no one would ever want to spend 2 days in a hospital, but I am here because of this little guy, who I love... and I want to get better... because of that, I can't help love being here-- as if I didn't have him, I would never have had to set foot in this place.

Does that make sense?

I think he is drifting off.. now I am going to sit in the squeakiest chair this side of the Mississippi and drift off by his side.