Thursday, October 4, 2012

And Here we are.

In 24 hours, we will be moms to one 5 month old girl.

No longer will there be an 11 month old boy in the house that is taking 5 steps at a time on his own... until he gets SO excited he can't stop his legs from doing a little jig, as he falls over and screams in delight. There wont be any spitty open mouth kisses from a brown skin, curly haired nixnoox.

In 24 hours, we will  hand him off. 

I have no idea how Traci and I are going to be able to deal with this.

How does any foster parent deal with it?

He is supposed to stay. He is supposed to be part of this family. He isn't supposed to be raised by anyone else. I don't care if she gave birth to him. She isn't ready... but in the same breath she HAS to be ready. I don't want him to be pushed aside or go hungry.  She HAS to have changed. I won't accept anything else.

My brain flip flops. I know this has to happen. Traci and I have to move on with life, get ready for our wedding, raise this little Bean and get to know our new neighborhood.  I miss my girlfriend. Our apartment is about to fall in on itself from neglect, we have drive by kisses and hugs.. we have been simply surviving while wrapping ourselves in our protective barrier in order to somehow cushion this blow.

There is no cushioning, though. We are losing our son.


  1. *Tears*

    This is not the conclusion I had imagined or prayed for...I wish with all my heart things could be different. I will pray for PB and also his BM for her to get her act together.

    I'm also praying for you, Tracy and Bean. I can't fathom the pain you are feeling, I hope that you are able to feel more at peace with it all as time goes one. Sending love your way.

  2. Ditto what Mina said. I too will be believing BM has her act together to parent this wonderful little boy.