trying to move forward

I read on the blog of a woman who has adopted ELEVEN children (holy crap) about a story on how she was going to the court date of her dear friends who were adopting out of the US foster care system.  She said.. "and for anyone who has been part of foster care you know that it is not for the faint of heart....It is a marathon of emotions, a feat of physical stamina and an experience that changes a person forever."

She nailed it.

THAT is how I feel.

Saying goodbye to Peanut Butter was THE SINGLE MOST difficult thing I have done. He was our kid. I know that I have friends who are really trying to understand why I seem just a little "off".  I am trying to get back to being me. I think there are glimpses of "the old me" every now and again. I wish it was the old THINNER me..  but yanno.

There are people who just don't understand that this isn't a typical parenting gig. Not only are we parents to these kiddos that may or may not stay..  but then we have to figure out how to "co-parent" (for lack of a better word atm) with a mentally ill (or whatever the situation may be) parent. Then schedule our lives around caseworkers, classes, visits, nurses...

I am not going to go on about how challenging it is, just take my word for it. It is a challenge.

And on top of it I am dealing with my son leaving.

I just can't brush it off.

He is gone.

I have taken down his pictures from my office walls, I can't watch the videos anymore. It isn't because I don't love him. It is because I have to move on.  It isn't because I want to forget. It is because I have to be here-- in the present -- for my family.  My future wife and my little Bean need me.

He will ALWAYS be in my heart.

A short month after he left, I am already looking back and saying.. my God.. he was my LIFE.. how did I DO that...how am I still breathing after watching the car carrying him just drive away? In the same breath I am pretty damn proud of the mom I was to him. We had fun. Traci rocked it more than me.

She is having a difficult time with all of this. She is really struggling and I wish there was something I could do in order to help. I know it will take time, but I also want her to see how much we have still here. She said she is having a hard time bonding with Bean. I get it. But Bean and Peanut Butter are two different situations. Bean has no one. We are it. Her mom could NEVER care for her (knock on wood). 

I think it is funny.. or phunny...  In the foster care system, we have to take classes for EVERYTHING.. but I cannot find one class that would help with loss. We take care of these kids for sometimes YEARS and then they leave. We are just supposed to put our super woman cape of un emotionalness on and move forward.

I suppose I should really get back to work.

PS The house is coming together nicely. Traci and her bff, Sara, worked very hard at putting up the back splash in the kitchen..