Thursday, November 29, 2012

learning about yourself through fostering

As foster parents in this state, we have to take 23402 classes every two years.  After taking a handful of them, I am realizing how much stuff it would have been nice to know BEFORE fostering or during the time when Peanut Butter left. During class I tend to be "that person" who puts their hand up anytime the leader asks a question, rhetorical or not.

I practically feel the stares and eyerolls.  Oh - we are all stuck here for 3 hours- suck it up, buttercups. I always have something interesting or meaningful to say, anyways.

Half way during the classes that I have taken with Traci she has turned towards me and said "maybe we should get another kiddo".


We have been waffling for awhile. Kid no

These classes bring something out in us. I really think that is what they are meant for. Have some awesome hippy dippy all lovin' foster parents and leaders up in front of you telling everyone how awesome all their kids are and how they work with the parents and change laws and set people straight and make the kids 23043 times better, smarter, stronger than what they were when they came into their homes.

You can do it, too!!!

yesyesyesyes. Weeee CAN!

hold up.

No. We can't.

We are REALLY good parents of ONE child. We have discussed this.

.... and that is where we begin to question everything...

This last class was a doozy. We weighed pros and cons, we have emailed friends, case workers etc etc. Then last night Traci and I sat down at the kitchen table and talked. No emotions. Bean sleeping. Quiet.

We are really good parents to one kid.

The end.

If Peanut Butter comes into our lives.. then we will be really good parents to two (again) .. but that is the only situation.

With that decided we also have been having good talks about Peanut Butter and his BM.  We have been learning a lot about ourselves through this process. What we are capable of and what we WANT from this journey. To grow our family and to help kids.

We have decided to be "there" for Peanut Butter and his mom when they need us. We have decided to see him... if she will allow us to.  In my heart of hearts I know that she is doing a great job with him. Is it everything that WE would be doing with him? Probably not. Is she using a different parenting style than us? Probably. That doesn't mean she is a bad mom. Since she has had him she seems to be doing everything she is supposed to be doing AND staying up to date with everything that they ask her to do with her other kids. That is a big deal for a single mom.  I do need to give her credit for that, as I would probably be curled up somewhere.

I got an email from the CW today that she went to see PB and BM and she sent a picture of his first birthday for us. I am treating that as a sign.

I don't know if this is the RIGHT thing to do.. but right at this moment it feels like the right THING to do.  I think, because of what we were told by the agencies, we had ideas about BM in our heads that weren't as horrible as they actually were because wanted to KEEP PB. We wanted to make her out to be the worst person ever...

Was she?

Well... no. I don't think she IS the worst person ever. I was thinking about it the other day. She gave birth. Went home alone to an empty apartment that was all set up for her newborn... and the VERY NEXT DAY got up, took an hour long bus ride and came to his doctor appointment. I should have given her props right then and there instead of trying to figure out what she was doing wrong.

Could I have done that after having my child taken from my arms, had no family even visit me in the hospital and then had to take a transport bus home.. by myself? I don't know that I could have.

Now that we have another BM to compare her to... she did SO MUCH right.

So did we. 

Now maybe we can work together to (help) raise this boy to be the best he can be.

Maybe. Hopefully.


  1. Good god, you gotta warn people when you're gonna write a multiple kleenex post, woman.

    You folks are awesomeness.

  2. Wow, what a beautiful post. You and Traci are such amazing people.

  3. Woman, I am learning so much from you two. Seriously. Thank you for sharing this journey with us. I admire you both. And to take a step back and look at possible ways you could have handled something better takes a lot of insight. This is all going to work out for the best. I just know it.