Traci and I are going through the motions tonight... bath time.. pj time... sleepy time. I broke down and cried once. Traci wont show me her tears right now, but I know they are there.
This is the last time we do this with Peanut Butter.
Or is it?
I got a call from the CW today. They are going forward with court tomorrow. I don't understand why there is court if this has already all been decided.... and she didn't explain. Tomorrow is the day that he is supposed to go back to his mom.
Because of my phone calls and cage rattling, NOW the agency is trying to slow down everything. Too little too late? I suppose I am proud of myself for pushing back a bit. I am selfishly frustrated though as tomorrow is the date that we prepared our hearts for. We talked about what we were going to do.. take down his crib, give away his summer clothing etc. Now.. court is at 9:30am and before noon we MIGHT find out that he is staying "for a bit longer". As if "a bit longer" will make his BM "better" after she has been going through this now for 8 years with PB's siblings.....or if he goes home.
I feel like I am in the middle of some crazy dream. As I was drying him off from his bath and putting him in his pjs, I just kept picturing him as an itty bitty when we picked him up from the hospital... and watched him grow to the almost 11 month old kid who is starting to take steps on his own.
We are trying to find faith in all of this and guard our hearts at the same time.