I understand that I am the one who left, and that it is ME who is overcompensating when it comes to being "okay" with one another. I still don't regret my decision. I keep thinking that there is something wrong with me that I don't. We had a nice house and yard and great furniture and we worked well together. But that isn't what I needed.
In this overcompensation- I text her all the time... or email.. or whatever.. just to see if she is okay. Just to make small talk. She has never started a conversation, so, honestly.. I don't know why I kept it up. I stopped. She asked why I haven't spoken to her. I told her that I thought I would back off as I didn't want to be THAT ex. She told me that she would inform me if I needed to tone it down. I started again, with a little less fervor. I would text or email every once and awhile. Again, last night she asked ... why are you not saying much?
This time I responded "I am following your lead" she replied, "If you recall, I have never been a talker".
No. She hasn't.
She wants to meet me tonight to sign our "divorce" papers... well, domestic partnership. This doesn't upset me, but in the same breath it makes me sad. 6 years. 6 years that weren't horrible. 6 years of fine.
I want my next 6 years to be colorful. Twisty and turny and lovie. Full of shmoosh and belly laughs. I want to go if I want to go. I want to see the documentaries and have in depth conversations about them. I want to hold my soon to be foster babies close and not tuck them in on a whole different floor. I want to hug a lot and have friends drop in whenever they want. I want to have coffee made for visitors and deep conversations under blankets.
I don't want to worry if it is too late, too loud, too silly or too unconventional.
The crazy part? I KNOW that the next 6 years will be exactly what I want. As I wont settle for less.
Tonight may be a little uncomfortable. But tonight has to happen in order for me to move forward.