Wednesday, October 19, 2011

I get it.

I understand that I am the one who left, and that it is ME who is overcompensating when it comes to being "okay" with one another. I still don't regret my decision. I keep thinking that there is something wrong with me that I don't. We had a nice house and yard and great furniture and we worked well together. But that isn't what I needed.

In this overcompensation- I text her all the time... or email.. or whatever.. just to see if she is okay. Just to make small talk. She has never started a conversation, so, honestly.. I don't know why I kept it up. I stopped. She asked why I haven't spoken to her. I told her that I thought I would back off as I didn't want to be THAT ex. She told me that she would inform me if I needed to tone it down. I started again, with a little less fervor. I would text or email every once and awhile. Again, last night she asked ... why are you not saying much?

This time I responded "I am following your lead" she replied, "If you recall, I have never been a talker".

No. She hasn't.

She wants to meet me tonight to sign our "divorce" papers... well, domestic partnership. This doesn't upset me, but in the same breath it makes me sad. 6 years. 6 years that weren't horrible. 6 years of fine.

I want my next 6 years to be colorful. Twisty and turny and lovie. Full of shmoosh and belly laughs. I want to go if I want to go. I want to see the documentaries and have in depth conversations about them. I want to hold my soon to be foster babies close and not tuck them in on a whole different floor. I want to hug a lot and have friends drop in whenever they want. I want to have coffee made for visitors and deep conversations under blankets.

I don't want to worry if it is too late, too loud, too silly or too unconventional.

The crazy part? I KNOW that the next 6 years will be exactly what I want. As I wont settle for less.

Tonight may be a little uncomfortable. But tonight has to happen in order for me to move forward.


  1. It will be uncomfortable, and you will feel free. And you don't owe her anything. Checking in on her is not part of a breakup. Really. You can be friends later. Laaaater. For now, envision those next six years and smile big.

  2. I agree with the previous commenter! Later is a good time for friendship. I can't wait to watch you paint your life in full color!

  3. totally 100% a million bazillion agree. LATER is better. and sometimes, never, is an even better thing.