BEWARE- PITY PARTY AHEAD:
I visited my doctor about a month ago and broke down into tears about where I was... mentally. Feeling really blue, stressed over the foster care system, completely feeling worthless because of my constant struggle with food addictions.
She looked at me sitting there wiping away my snot and tears and suggested a little help from Prozac.
I have thought about asking for help before, but always chickened out. Or, right before I went to the doctor, I would have a REALLY GOOD DAY and think that it was unnecessary.
There was no decision made right then and there. Actually, she gave me a couple of options and told me to go do some homework on them... which I did. Prozac it was. A low dose. Let me tell you- that first week it was as if I had more energy than an Olympic athlete and was completely full of joy. Man, now that I look back on that I can understand the "high" that addicts chase after. If I could feel like that all the time, I would never go off these meds.
Now it has been about a month.
I still feel pretty good. My anxiety takes on some different forms which I am learning how to deal with. I have more patience with the kids. I sleep well, I wake up pretty easily. My appetite USUALLY is lower (now that I am a week away from getting my period, it has gone up). Here is the kicker. I have NO sex drive. none. This is a major deal. If this doesn't go away, it may be breakup time with Prozac. I still feel LOVE for my wife. I still think she is sexy and love holding her and being close. I don't *feel* anything sexual. Even if I.. yanno.. tried to on my own. Nope. Nothing.
Outside of that- everything still keeps on rolling. Constant inundation by social workers, licensing workers, therapists. Court tomorrow, court Monday. Traci and I are going through the relicensing process which just means they tear our life apart with a toothpick. AGAIN. This happens every two years. Please let this be the last time we do this. I can't imagine these kids still being in the system for TWO MORE YEARS.
This wares on an adult. Imagine what the kids feel. Mr. Handsome's mom hasn't shown up for anything. Still a raging drug abuser, has new reports against her... hasn't seen him in over 6 months. But we were told yesterday that when we go to court tomorrow that it most likely will just be adjourned and rescheduled for after January of next year.
Beans mom has cancelled most visits, abandoned her for over 3 months, has no job, is not taking care of her mental health-- nothing. We were informed yesterday that at Beans court date on Monday- that the new judge is super soft on parents - especially if they are young - so the TPR might be overturned.
Okay. Now to get back to the positive.
I have an amazing wife who loves me and supports me through all of this. She makes me laugh and think and feel brave when dealing with all of the above mentioned crap.
I have two beautiful amazing children that are hilarious and smart and independent. Even if they are in our care for a short time- they have changed my life forever.
Friends.. man.. I have them. They rock my world completely.
Yes. When it comes down to it, life is good. Really good. These are speed bumps.