I have a heart on.

For real. I do. It's Valentines people... GET WITH IT! I stinkin' LOVE this holiday. I think because there is so much glitter and everything is pink and red. We brought big pink and red cupcakes to PB's daycare teachers. They were scarfed up in a matter 3 min and they gave Traci the plate to bring home. Now I have a fear that they are starving and I want to make them a nice stew or something. I brought a big red velvet cake into work for the girls. They didn't scarf as much... but it was probably because they were each on their 8th bag of dip stick sugar things.. where you lick the stick and then you dip it in sugar. If I only had a nickel every time I did that. Hardy harhar.

Anywhoooo...

I feel like I have hit a brick wall with blogging. I want to share everything and not have fear. Show you pictures, tell you details... but I dare not.

In reality I am a big mess.

I am looking for another foster family to cling on to and to take residency under their wing. I feel as if the caseworkers and the agency in general are looking at me thinking... Get OVER it. Just DO WHAT YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO DO.

Side note...

I JUST got a call from daycare that PB has his two bottom teeth in. um. HE IS THREE MONTHS OLD. He has not complained or cried or anything. He has been his happy self!!!  I FREAKED on the phone. The teacher was laughing at my reaction.

HE IS OLD NOW. oi oi oi.

Hey peeps..

quick update for those who still check in...

• Traci is getting her foster license.. and moving in in March.
• Baby T is doing fantastic and besides his never ending cold, he is as cheerful as can be... GOD how I wish I could share pictures. You would wanna squeeze him TIGHT!
• I got a promotion at work.
• We are organizing everything in the apartment so we can say "yes!" to kiddo number 2.
• Prayers are being said multiple times a day that this trial in April will work to our benefit. 

I don't know if I mentioned this earlier. When I was in the hospital to pick up T, the nurse was showing me this paperwork I had to take to the doctors the next day.. all creepy and slow like... and saying... "all of these paaaapperrss have information about BIRTH MOM on them... sooooooo.... because you are walking through the hospital with them... I am going to put them in this envelope...soooooooo....(unsealed)"

I totally didn't get it THEN, but when I got home and explained what happened.. I was gonked on the head and told DUH.. she wants you to look at them. Well.. so i did... and then I took pictures of them. My theory was that if T would stay with us, I wanted to provide as much information about his mom that I could. I was looking over those pictures the other day and just thinking... LOOK at all of this... there is NO WAY that BM can take care of these kiddos. nope. NO WAY.  I hope that the judge and jury think the same thing.

Side note.. is it horrible for me to hope she falls off the deep end?

I sound like a horrible person, don't I?

UGH. I just want this kiddo to stay around, that's all.

wwwwHHHHHEEEEEeeee!!!!

Vegas kicked ASS. Honestly. How freaking lucky am I that I was able to GO, bring my girlfriend, and have EVERYTHING paid for?!?? Yeah, I am totally bragging.

I could go back for another week-- I didn't do NEARLY as much as I wanted to, and we did a LOT! My favorite thing? Traci and I jumped off the Stratosphere. Yeah. Its true. This short fatty with a humongous fear of heights took the leap. I would recommend it. I did it at night. It was AWESOME.

These aren't good pictures.. but they are proof. :)

On the baby front:

I love this little kiddo. My frustration with "the system" have come to a boil. BM is stating there is no reason that PB was removed from her care. Yeaaahh, BM, no reason. Not for him, his brothers and sister or the two "mystery kids" that you keep saying you had. Uh huh.

All kidding aside, it makes me nervous. I want PB around for a long time. Long. Forever long. What if there is some weirdo who thinks she is okay to take custody of him? I would worry about him every.single.day. She now wants me to call and meet with her brother for him to give me breast milk for the baby. Are you kidding me? No way in hell that I am going to meet with some dude who just happens to be the brother of the woman whose CHILD IS IN MY CARE. She doesn't work, she pumps milk and goes on the computers at the library. She can figure it out. Not to mention she hasn't gotten any to me in almost a month. Newsflash, BM: it takes more to be a mother than pumping milk.

So much more to the story. I get exhausted talking about it, though. I get  bitter when I talk about it too much. I know I am doing my job, and doing it well. He is ADORABLE and happy and ahead of the game. That is what matters.

Lets not go back there, k?

The little Peanut Butter is on the mend. The nurses were so kind to him while we were there and every single one of them commented on how freakin' cute he is. I wanted to feel proud.. But I have nothing to do with that lol. I did feel proud, though, when he would show off his smiles and giggles... That's me. I will take responsibility for his happiness :)

My girl was there too. You know she digs you and your foster son when she squeezes her almost 6ft frame on a 4 ft couch.

PB is out of daycare for a week. That flippin' germ house.

I need to get Internet. Blogging from.a phone is re-donk. My thumbs ache.

RSV

Here we sit in Children's Hospital and little peanut butter has RSV. This icky cold has progressed into something icky-er and I finally made the decision to bring him in last night. I did everything I could at home with the humidifiers, snot suckers, saline drops, etc. Then the wheezing started. Ugh. Poor little man.

He is in the best care possible here, though. Now if I could just catch a nap.

We will be here until tomorrow.

Amazing, really- this mom gig. Making these decisions for a little peanut that completely depends on me. As I sit in this room alone with him (Traci had to leave for work) I realize just how major this is. I realize this is just exactly where I want to be. That no one would ever want to spend 2 days in a hospital, but I am here because of this little guy, who I love... and I want to get better... because of that, I can't help love being here-- as if I didn't have him, I would never have had to set foot in this place.

Does that make sense?

I think he is drifting off.. now I am going to sit in the squeakiest chair this side of the Mississippi and drift off by his side.

Almost back to work..pics added :)

This little kiddo that is sleeping soundly just to my left is going to be 8 weeks old next week. TWO MONTHS. I can't believe how quickly time has flown by.

I am having a lot of internal struggles with what is going on with this peanut. I was told that he was going to be a low legal risk.. I am finding out that is different. BM is more involved than I can even explain. As a "true" foster parent, that is great..she SHOULD be involved and doing anything she can to get her baby back. As a possible adoptive parent,this is incredibly frustrating. This woman knows the in's and out's of the foster care system. She is appealing everything...and doing things like reporting me to her attorney for giving the baby a nook.


I am loving having this little man in my home. I hope he stays for a very long time.. perhaps forever. I had no idea that a birth parent could give me this much frustration. I would love it, as well, if the agency would give me straight answers... or at the very least, inform me of things as simple as court dates... and what they are for. Half of me is always on alert that they will show up at my door to take peanut back to his mom without any notice. That isn't fun.

Over all, the good out weighs the bad.

His first Christmas was wonderful... and he is doing great at night... next week he will start daycare.  I have met another foster couple who have a little boy the same age (a few days older) as mine, and they invited me over for a really great visit the other night. It was SO NICE to talk to other women who are having my same feelings!

I am dating a woman named Traci. I don't know how much I mentioned of her in the past. We knew each other in the 90's when I was dating Lisa. After Lisa's death, we lost touch... and then reconnected over facebook. I wish I had the words to put down exactly how I felt about her. We are building a beautiful story. I really feel like she was brought back into my life for a reason. It is strange for me to talk about this seeing as it has only been 6 months since my break up... but I am really beginning to see "me" come back. We laugh and have a wonderful time.. she TALKS to me.. imagine that!?!? She is beautiful and butch and tall and strong. This connection we have is everything that I have been searching for in the last 6 years.

It is interesting that once you leave a relationship and look back. I wasn't horribly unhappy with Mic. It was always a cool 72 degrees. Nothing spectacular. Nothing passionate. It was just how I thought life was going to be. Yanno.. fine.

Now I have Traci. The passion is back in my life. The excitement. The romance. I am loving every single moment. She is excited about ME. She is excited about possibly having a family together. She is excited about our story.

So.. life is good. It is exactly what I have always wanted.


Ok... I tried uploading pics from my phone and they were gigantor size... Let's see if this will work better..

As I dig in my pocket

And find a binkie, I realize I am a mom. Temporary or not, I am one. My dream is happening...and *I* did it. Me.

I am going to pat myself on the back for one moment...as in this insanity of case worker visits, classes, in home visits and then trying to have my own life on top of it....I realize that for the first time ever, I am doing EXACTLY what I want to be doing... And by the grace of God...I am doing a pretty good job.

On top of that, I am dating an amazing woman who adores me as much as I do her. Not to mention the friends that I have who have been in my corner this whole time.

I am blessed.



- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone