PB update.

The horse costume has gone into retirement. People have wanted me to take a picture of him in it, but it actually makes me SO SAD to put it on him, I can't really find it in me to do that.

He had his 4 month check up today. BM didn't come.. she said her bus leaves too early. Do you know how many comments I wanted to make?

Oh. And his case worker was fired. The one that said that she  " just don't want to get involved." when I would go to her with some concerns. I am pretty sure THAT IS HER JOB.

I am not disappointed by this news.

Anyways.. he was a little trooper. He is just over 16 lbs and in the 75th percentile for height. We spoke with the doctor about some of his eating issues and things. Doc said, that because of where he is in his development, we can start introducing a bit of rice cereal into his formula. I was really kind of set back, as WIC pretty much makes you sign a dotted line in your blood that you will NEVER give a child anything prior to 6 months.
I am not sure if this is to prevent people from sharing a malt from Dairy Queen with your 2 month old... but when Dr. said that, in my head I questioned him. My mom was a WIC nurse, they are some smart people there. But, my doctor seems pretty darn with it, too :)  I am going to do what he says, but I also want to run it by my mom, cuz that is how I roll. I make most decisions after getting 32 peoples input.

Oh- and yesterdays visit was a big ol' tranny mess.. and PB came home HOURS early. BM had a tantrum, threw a stroller (thankfully without him in it) threw her coffee.. and had some not so nice things to say to the visitation worker. 

And home he came.

Have I mentioned lately how much I wish I had a crystal ball? Have I mentioned lately that in one month she may get him back. Barf.

Traci starts her foster care classes this weekend. She is from a little town up north. This is gonna blow her mind. LOL

Speaking of my mom (I was, wasn't I?). She sent an email today saying "We don't care if what you are doing is un-traditional or not, we love you and want you to be happy.. .NOW CALL US." I emailed her telling her I would call her tomorrow. I don't know what it is with my family and their god forsaken fear of phones. Or is it communication in general. Ah. Yeah.

Okay, I am finally going to put this computer down, say a prayer that PB in some miracle of miracles wont wake up tonight, and I am going to smoosh up next to my fiance. ahhaha. Fiance. I can't even say it without a horrible fake french accent.

ohemgeeeee

I HAVE THE INTERNET.

*EEEEP!*

I am sitting right here in my bed, my woman is sawing logs beside me, and I am READING BLOGS.

Maybe now I can get work done during the day instead of fake working and feeding my addiction.

Traci said to me as we were playing with PB... "Honey! When he goes to sleep, we can go in bed, I can sleep and you can stay up all night on Pinterest!"

She knows how to make me happy.

Family.

It is sad that my parents nor sisters really have said anything. My sisters at least sent a "yay." text.

My parents....silence.

I will give them their time. But I won't regret sharing with them, or the decision to marry her.

One simple question...

And the next second...

I'm getting married...

I love sitting on the couch with Traci at night. In the quiet we sit as I rub lotion on her hands and we talk about our day.

Two nights ago we were enjoying this time and we got on the topic of weddings. She asked if I would ever marry her. I said of course I would. She asked...so is that a yes? And I sort of looked at her. Then she pulled the box out of her pocket and asked one more time.

The moment was perfect. Just she and I. We hugged and kissed and cried.

Then the rush started ... Texting emailing... Phone calls.

People have been so kind and I think genuinely excited for us... I have burst into tears about 27 times thinking about how NICE everyone is.

Here is a picture of the ring... But it is what is in the background (if you can see it) that REALLY matters :)

Mama got some new shoes.

I needed some retail therapy the other day, so we packed up and headed to the mall. My dad has always been a big componant of retail therapy and he is actually the one to teach me about it. When I think about it, I laugh. He has taught me so much... I wish I would have listened to more.

Anyways- I looked at my ragg'd old shoes I was wearing and immediately headed to the shoe department at Boston Store.

I bought far too many for far too much.

Today I have a high version of a lesbian loafer on. Well structured. Black. Lesbian sheik. I have my boot cut dark jeans, a cute sweater, funky necklace, make up and my herrr is did.

The other day I actually put on some make up and Traci said to me... "honey, what are you doing different... your eyes look soft and there is black stuff on your eyelashes.... you look so pretty!" she is such an adorable butch. God I love her. That made me realize that I have gotten into "mommy mode" and a picture of me could have, at any time, been shown on a crappy daytime talk show with a black bar over my eyes as the "DON'T BE THIS WOMAN" example.

I function better when I feel better.

Side note: PB came home yesterday from his bio mom's visit dressed in a horse outfit. Granted, he was the cutest stinkin' horse around. Mane, tail, hooves and all. I ooh'd and aahh'd over him.. she was VERY proud. She said she thought that this was a good option for him to wear while it was too warm to wear his snow suit and not warm enough to just go with a light jacket.

Well.. okay.. she was thinking. A horse costume wouldn't have been my first choice...  but it is good that she was thinking about PB.

ooohhkkaaayyyy..

I called Traci with this "ohmygodthisisgoingtodrivemefuckingbattyandIAMOVERIT" and she, like she always does.. had a calm response. "She is mentally ill.. we don't know where she is coming from today".

I agree with that statement. But also, I don't.

She may have a mental illness... and I know she loves her babies.. but she wants custody. If she believes that I, somehow, have breastmilk for him... Uhhh.. there is something wrong there. Or.. if she had Peanut Butter in her care, and he was starving because she insisted on BF'ing him when she wasn't providing enough... because she believes that is the only route to go... again.. disconnection.

In other news: I get to go home and nap today. I need one. And then pray to the menstral Gods that I get my period istead of flip-flopping between eating everything in site (including another piece of red velvet cake) and bawling my eyes out because I just dropped my phone. Again.

Foster obsessed? (sorry- another rant)

Traci and I had a fantastic conversation the other night. Parents of any nature can relate to each other through their activities and experiences of their children. It is SO VERY DIFFERENT for parents of foster children or adoptive children. We still relate to the "hey how old was Johnny when he .. blahblahabla" .. but they will NEVER understand how it feels to be a glorified babysitter for someone else while the birth parent/s do or they don't get their shit together. They may or may not take 1 month to 5 years to do that. Possibly will or wont show up to visits. Can't even leave the state without permission- and trying to get a hold of someone FOR that permission takes weeks.... so no spur of the moment ANYTHING as not only do you need permission but you have to work around visitation schedules that change on, sometimes, a daily basis.

No. No one can relate to that except other parents who are going or have been through it.

No one can understand, either, the fear of creating a bond. Don't get me wrong.. I LOVE PB. ADORE him. I would NEVER allow anything bad to happen to him. But to think.. well.. we MIGHT have him past April.. we MIGHT not.... and he may get driven away in a car and I would never see him again.

I knew that all of this was part of foster care. But even when I was told about it, I didn't think it sounded THAT bad. Newsflash: it is. The whole system is so messed up.

I tried to reach out to BM again today. I wanted to know, even though I signed something stating I would never email or post photos of PB, that if she would like, I could email them to her... but only if she were comfortable with that... as I don't have much time to get photos developed and I think it is important to have her see that her son is well taken care of. I told her stories of things he has been up to and talked about how well he is doing in daycare, etc. I also told her when the next doctors appointment is- and the things that I would like to cover at the appointment. One thing I would like to discuss is when I would be able to put a little bit of rice cereal in PB's bottle. He just isn't getting full.. and he seems to have a bit of reflux.

I get this in return: DO NOT GIVE HIM CEREAL. HE IS TOO YOUNG AND WILL CHOKE AND DIE. GIVE HIM MY MILK ONLY.

*sigh*

My response: Thank you for your input.

Yes. I am so careless that I will let you son choke and die. I am not giving him steak, woman. I am asking the doctor about putting a teaspoon to a tablespoon of rice cereal in his milk. If he is hungry, I am not going to make him suffer, if it will help the reflux... and the doctor says it is fine, I will do it. And, BM... I DON'T HAVE ANY BREAST MILK. Where am I supposed to get it, the breast milk tree I have in my back yard?

She refuses to send any milk on visits...as she says it is too hard for her to carry it.   She refuses to send any home from her in home visit - as she says she doesn't trust the visitation facilitator to handle it correctly. Hey. BM. She is driving your son around the city and 45 minutes to see you. I think she will do okay with your breast milk.

When I try to talk to PB's caseworker about this.. she said "she doesn't want to get in the middle".

*blink*

Kinda your job.

I can COMPLETELY understand why foster families don't stay in the system. Yes. There is a TON of emotions you have to deal with... and there is a TOTALLY BROKEN SYSTEM you have to deal with too.

I think of all the kids who could benefit from homes like mine... and it makes me SO SAD to know that because of the kind of BS I have had to deal with- people like me are leaving foster care all the time.

My life is wonderful outside of this stress, it really is. I am sorry to my readers that I have been using this as a ranting tool.. I just need to get it off my chest, and again, no one REALLY gets it.

*exhale*

Back to work.