A layer of crud from two feet to the floor.

Never in one million years did I ever think I would have 2 one year olds.  I also never realized how much sticky messy crud can accumulate on everything from the floor up two feet.

Mr. Handsome (the name suits him perfectly) joined us over a month ago. He is sunshine in the form of a one year old curly haired Puerto Rican nugget of joy. Bean wasn't sure of what to make of him for the first few weeks. We battled with her constantly wanting to sit on him.. roll over him.. or just push him over. Yes, the first time she steamrolled him it was mildly entertaining.. the 19th.. not so much.

My beautiful wife and I have had our struggles parenting two babies. This is no easy task and I commend those who have done it and are doing it. Finding even 5 minutes of time that is JUST her and I has been a challenge.  I miss our time together. I know that things will never get back to "pre kiddo" but I do know that my love and desire for a life with her has not and will not change. I can appreciate the pre-kid stuff.. I love the during kid stuff.. and I look forward to when the kids are older and we can have conversations with them without hand gestures or sung words.

She is my person. I choose her.

This journey through foster care has tested us and taken us to our limits-- and then five minutes later-- we have experienced the most amazing high from our kids.

surviving a one year old.

Traci and I took Bean to the great up nort' this past weekend. Traci's friend, Sara, was kind enough to open her family "cottage" on one of 3124 lakes in northern Wisconsin. It was absolutely beautiful. They all were SO FREAKING NICE. That kind of nice that you just want to drink in -- in hopes that you will some how soak in some of it yourself. I am always trying to remember to be nicer to people. That is another story, though.

One thing I learned over this weekend: vacationing with a one year old really isn't a vacation. It is pretty much you walking behind the one year old making sure she doesn't stick her hand in a fire, eat a bug, fall off the cement stairs or go running down the dock full speed (happened. Wasn't cute with this fat mama chasing after her. Who knew 1 year olds could run cheetah speed?).

For Traci this location is very important. She spent many hours here with her bestie as they were growing up. You should see the joy in her eyes as we prepared to go, driving there and finally as we were able to drive up. She freely spoke about her memories and shared funny stories along with the rest of the group. It really was great.

Bean is amazing. She is a funny independent soul.  She has the attention span of a gnat. She loves to blow kisses, wave hi and bye and give hi-fives. She can shake her groove thang clap along to any song.

She blows my mind and I am completely in love with our daughter.

And on the 19th she will be getting a brother :)

I am in my cycle.

The one I revisit often.

Maybe even yearly.

The one where I look at my life and wonder what the eff I am doing.  How can I be happier? What job will I like and feel more productive in more than the one I have? Maybe I should think about redecorating. Lets go pick out new paint. How about hitting some estate sales for new SOMETHING.

I'm not depressed, I am not sad, I am not unhappy with my life. I just get to thinking about how short life is and why would I want to be/do/look the same for so long?

We got a call about a new kiddo that needs two mamas. Okay. They didn't go as far as saying THAT, but I could read it between the lines. We said yes. That was two weeks ago. We haven't heard anything since.

If there is one thing that this system is... it IS a mind fuck.

Now I have to go look at new hairstyles and send out my resume.

Who feeds a 1 year old chili?

BM does, of course. According to the case worker and the parenting aide, they both told her that chili wasn't the best idea for dinner. BM insisted she didn't have any other food in the house and fed it to her.

Bean's gift to us? Barf.

I had a meeting that evening and upon my arrival home I was informed that the chili vomit smelled like real adult vomit.

I'm not all that sorry I missed her puke transitioning from baby to adult.

Bean has started crying when I leave her at daycare.  Sometimes I feel like I am the mom that is always disappointing her. Hopefully someday I will be able to change that.

She is walking all over the stinking place and if we accidently leave the bathroom door open, she zooms in to put something in the toilet. She has an awesome toothy smile and adores music and books. She really hasn't said any words yet, but babbles endlessly.  I swear, I could listen to it all day long. She is hilarious, smart and beautiful.

In a few weeks she will have been with us for 1 whole year.

I want her hair.

Have you heard of Glennon Melton? She has written the book Carry on Warrior: Thoughts on Life Unarmed. She also is the blogger at Momastery.com - I want to say she is AMAZING and AWESOME and a freakin' ROCK STAR .. but what I like best about her is that she seems like just a random woman that might as well be living down on 124th St  She has over come some crazy crap in her life and she is finding herself working it all out while sharing her journey on her blog and in her book. She never claims to have it all together... not even for a moment. She could be the leader of the "sometimes I am awesome and sometimes I suck as a woman/mom/human" movement. But she does it all with a positive spin and idea that maybe this moment isn't exactly how we would like it but there is a new moment starting.. NOW.

And, man,  she has great hair.

After reading something she has written, I almost feel like I have a chance. No matter what people show outwardly, they all have challenges brewing inside. It is their choice if they want to share them with us. I wish more people would.. it might make the rest of us feel a tiny  bit more comfortable with the idea of sharing ours-- then we could all sit down and have a glass of wine and laugh about all the similarities we have between us... and realize that we are all warriors in this go-around.

1 has to be the new 3.

I swear this girl is on the cusp of being a teenager. Okayfine. She is only one. But MAN I have a feeling we are going to have our hands full with her.

Aren't kids all supposed to be like the kids on Family Ties? All polite and kind and don't have snot running down their faces all the time or throwing herself into a tantrum every time she gets her diaper changed or vomit in the cart at Costco- which we don't realize until everything was on the belt and the cashier put her hand in it? I could tell by her face she thought it was glorious.

Yes. Bean turned 1. We had a nice get together with people coming from near and far. The sun was out in Wisconsin and it was a perfect 70 degree day. Bean dug in that cake like we had been training for it- she rocked it ouuuut!

We have had a couple of court hearings since my last blog entry. I am not even going to go into detail about them as it would simply be details with no outcome. They were pretty much a waste of time. So, we simply move forward day by day loving this little girl as much as possible.

Chapter 23423... we are trying to figure out a way that Traci could go down to part time and we would open our home to more of a fostering situation than foster/adopt.

More on that to come.

I have to punch out and get home to my beautiful family  :)

What the WHAT?

Two days ago I wrote an email to the GAL and CC'd case workers and GAL social workers and licensing workers.... a very innocent "just so that we are all on the same page" email.. and "our 6 month hearing is in SIX DAYS.. get off your asses and come see this child" email...

The next morning I am "very busy working" and open my email... there is one there from the caseworker. It states that the TPR paperwork has been accepted by the DA and our first hearing is on the 29th.

*GASP!*

Through tears, and.. um.. while I am still "very  busy working"... I log onto facebook and message my friend that I met through fostering to ask her what the hell this is all about... and what does it mean?? She calls me immediately exclaiming "THIS IS A GOOD THING!!! YOU CAN BREATHE!!!" I break down in tears.

All I want to do is exhale.

All I want to do is to be done with all of this.

All I want to do is to get to an adoption day with Bean and for her to have our last name.

All I want is to call her my daughter...and know that statement is legal and binding.

I was talking to my mom about our exciting news and she stated "you are going to be a great mom!". I didn't correct her. I wanted to say Mom, I have been a mom for almost 2 years now. Just because my little boy was with me only temporarily, doesn't make me any less of a mom. I wont turn INTO a mom on adoption day. Granted, I may suck at it most days and her clothes sit in laundry baskets far too long- and I don't have one damn piece of homemade art with her hand print on it that morphs into a butterfly with some swoops of a sharpie marker. But I am her mom.. and together with Traci- we make a pretty good team of moms.

I know that this court date on the 29th is the first in a LONG LINE of court dates... and nothing is set in stone and WONT be until we are there on adoption day and get our first picture of Beans "forever family" with the judge. But I am pretty good at holding my breath and knocking on wood and through all of this I have found faith that good things DO happen.